Welcome to...

I Also Do Birthday Parties!

2008-02-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

Quick! Before its gone. Or I guess you could always scroll down...
Brief backstory; remember that King of Kong docu-awesome I was raving about? Well if you saw it (which I still highly recommend) then you'll recognize the Twin Galaxies name. For the uninitiated, its pretty much the authority on game scores.
Long story short, they've given me a chance to be their (one of) game reviewers. Woohoo!
So, in the spirit of self-promotyion, click below and let me know what you think. (or email them raving about their new reviewer). Either way ...

CLICK HERE

Down with the Anti-Valentinites

2008-02-15T07:39:00.001-08:00

To the Anti-Valentinites (aka the people who can't hear about Valentine's without pissing all over it),

Look, I get it; Valentine's Day is commercial. It's hyped. It's a hallmark occasion designed to blah blah blah blah, blech (chokes, dies).
Well you know what? That's all true. V-Day is a rouse - A gimmick. It's pure evil distilled into $30 chocolates, 600% flower mark-ups and ad campaigns aimed at convincing me that I'm going to be sleeping on the futon unless I endow her with blood diamonds and salon gift certificates (which, by the way are now available at Chatters Salons across Canada...huzzah!)

And damned if I look forward to it every year.

Sure, I know that February 14th is a sales booster wrapped in cheesey sentiment, but you know what else is? Christmas. Yeah...I went there Christians. I don't see anyone saying 'I love Christ all year, why should I have to prove it?" or "Christ and I are cool, we don't need a cheap card to say it."

No, you don't...but isn't it nice just to do it anyways? Isn't it nice to have that one day to plan ahead and make an extra effort? Look - life gets in the way of romance - and anyone who claims different either doesn't work or has a really good dealer. Personally, it would be great if I had the energy to wine and dine MJ every day (and night...badoom ching!), but the reality is that some days we both come home with just enough energy to heat up some chicken and pass out by 10. We have loads of fun, sure, but Valentine's has always been the motivating factor to step it up a notch - even if that notch is simply a greasy/delicious fondu, some beer, a couple nice cards and watching Return to Fat Camp on MTV (amazing show btw).

How the crap can that be bad?

And then there's the 'single' argument - the: "but I'm single and Valentine's Day makes me feel worse. Woe is me, waaaaa." Ok, I get that. I've been there. Valentine's Day can kick someone around who's already down, so you know what? Treat yourself? Call a friend or try calling it something else...like... I don't know....Thursday.

Hey, I get a little jealous when my Jewish friends get presents 7 days a year, but I'm not going to shout out against Hanukkah. I might mispell it, but I'll never hold it against people. Ok, I lied, I don't know many Jewish people

What I'm getting at (albeit slowly) is that you don't have to like Valentine's Day. You don't even have to recognize Valentine's Day. Just, you know, shut up about it.

With Love-

Matt

Cool Kids Watch: King of Kong

2008-02-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Do yourself a favor and rent/download this movie: King of Kong. No, not the Jack Black action comedy from a couple years back, but the extraordinary documentary of classic gamer culture and the insanely interesting story about one man's obsessive quest to break the top score on Donkey Kong.

In a nutshell, the movie follows the plight of one Steve Wiebe - a quiet family man who takes to playing Donkey Kong after being let go from his job and soon finds himself in a quest to knock Billy Mitchell off his throne as 'That Guy Who Has the Top Score In A Centuries Old Videogame'. Unfortunately for Wiebe, Billy Mitchell also has an obsession with being 'that guy' and pulls out some pretty shady tactics to stop Steve Wiebe (or at least discredit him).

Billy Mitchell (Narcissist - hot sauce baron ... seriously)

Of course, its much more than a battle of the nerds and, in fact, the directors have pretty much owned up to playing up some of Billy Mitchell's asshole-ness. All said, its an amazing story and one which actually manages to infuse heart into a story about breaking videogame scores.

(Steve Wiebe ... likely autistic ... school teacher)

I'm probably not describing this well, but you'll understand my love for this documentary once you see it for yourself. And make sure to watch until the very end lest you miss the best part.

The Little Things

2008-02-04T11:08:00.001-08:00

So it's been one of those weeks:

Not necessarily bad, yet not necessarily great. kind of 'Borscht' in a way. Typing this post has itself been a lesson in patience what with the letters 'c,h,f and w' on my keyboard now just deciding to get off their lazy asses and put in an hour of work.

So while my hand-me-down office equipment (err...home equipment, yeah...home home equipment) is working, I thought I'd share with you the little pleasures in my life. No, not the obvious things like videogames, fiances, guinea pigs and pure china white cocaine, but the daily things that always seem to provide an odd yet profound source of entertainment and calm.

Things like....

Glad Sandwich Bags
Meat goes in, seal goes shut and as I gently push down on this inflated utopia, the hiss of escaping air fills the kitchen. It's almost Zen like really; a sense that I have accomplished 'freshness' or fullfilled my manly duty of preserving meat for future consumption.

Stapling
Ahh stapling. Cli-clunk. Ahh. Back in grade 2, I was one of the kids who managed to staple his index finger to a mother's day card and ever since then I've held a deep respect for such a subtle yet strong device. Maybe it's also because stapling means I'm filing - which means I'm done something - which then means I have more time to phone in another blog post. Or maybe this newly discovered passion is my mind's last desperate attempt to pull something of meaning from an otherwise cold and heartles 9 to 5 experience. Or maybe its cause its red...and I like. Cli-clunk. teehee.

Real Estate Porn
If somebody ever told me I'd actually watch tv programming about people buying and selling houses, I'd have probably slapped them in public and later planted incriminating pictures of young boys on their computer right before phoning the local media.

Actually, that reminds me of funny story ... but maybe now's not appropriate.

I pin this guilty pleasure on wish fullfillment; a way to live through people who actually have the finances and wherewithall to purchase a place to live. Being in Red Deer, the most we'd afford is a hovel next to the 7-11 and even then we'd have to sublet the refridgerator box to a middle income family. I'm rambling. I like home shows - end of story.

Cheese
Any and all. At any time. Cheese on salad. Cheese on Steak. Cheese on friggin cheese in a cheese parfay surrounded by cheesey bread. I picture heaven as a city built on a foundation of deliciously peelable pillars and invigorated with the occasional parmasan storm. And for dinner? Salmon. Because I also like salmon.

Puppies
Of the sweater variety.

Getting back a Twoonie as Change
I have a videogame fund. Get over it. I also have laundry to do so any loonie or quarter I get back is immediately considered laundry money whereas twoonies are open game. Just this last weekend I asked for a Wendy's cashier to trade two loonies for a twoonie. She had to get her manager's permission to re-open the till. Was it worth it? For me? No. She had no twoonies - BUT it taught her a valuable lesson about change management.

You. Reading This.
Really. When someone mentions offhand that they read my blog I feel pity followed by tremendous love followed by committment issues and me avoiding your instant messages. But please, continue to read. If not for me...but the children.

The conclusion of obviously lame blogs.
Fin.

Back, Biznatches!

2008-01-21T13:47:00.001-08:00

WELCOME all to the relaunch post. Kitchen on the left, bathrooms on the third and fourth levels. If you're smoking, please use the porch, yadda yadda yadda.

I wish I had something to give you, but all I can offer is a blog, an enjoyable waste of your time and my undying love*

Oh - and this:

(not pictured: dignity)

If you're new to this blog, I suggest reading posts from a month or so ago. I don't know why, I just wanted to give you something to do.

If you're a regular, well, welcome back and please continue to drop by with cryptic and/or passive aggressive comments.

Now, on to business. When I first started this back in '05, I made it a personal goal not to turn this into an online diary. That said, I should mention the new job, new fiance and new guinea pig (not in order of importance, i swear. Baby, I swear!).

So yeah: a brief rundown is as follows:

a) I'm getting hitched November 9th (and if you have to ask 'with whom' then sadly we haven't kept in touch, have we? My fault as well. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you like that)

b) I started a new gig as Advertising/Marketing Coordinator with Chatters Canada (yes, that is a hair care and beauty supply chain and no my marriage is not a front to keep my parents happy)

c) We are indeed the proud parents of Dexter the Guinea Pig (pictures to come). By the way, did you know that Guinea Pig's eat their own poo straight from the source? No? Join the club.

So there's that; life. And now for something completely random:

THINGS I'M LEARNING WHILE PLANNING A WEDDING

The Word 'Wedding' Immediately Increases Prices 20%-40%

This unwritten yet unwaivering rule applies to any and all things wedding. Food, photography, even chair covers. Though, to be fair, I can't see a practical use for chair covers other than a wedding. Indeed, once a service suppliers knows you're shopping for a wedding, you might as well proceed straight to the, uh, rear attack: "Bottle of water? $1.10. A bottle of water for your wedding? Well sir, that will be $4.50 a bottle or 10 for $60.00. This does not include shipping and said 'l'eau de Wedding' can only be consumed between 2 - 4 hours following reception. Oh my, you wanted those on a Saturday? Let me get you another quote."

Pre-Ceremony Drinks Will Most Likely Be Non-Alcoholic

Moreso, 1/2 of the people going down to the aisle believes I should be completely sober when saying 'I Do' (hint, it's not me). Now, I've tried explaining that one tequila shot with the boys before forever closing a 26 year chapter of my life is not only tradition, but law, I'm also told that it only takes one shot of tequila to become 'Silly over-apologetic Matt'. The jury is still out on this, though as I understand it the decision will be made for me. Huzzah!

(Me: 1 shot)

Cakes Can be Made with Cardboard

I crap you not. To keep costs down, one can order another tier of cake made out of cardboard and covered with icing. This leads me to a serious consideration as to how many times this 'faux' cake had been eaten after an entire evening of open bar. If I were to hazzard a guess (Which is really the extent of all my research) I'd say this is at least a 75% occurance. At least. Thankfully, MJ is working on a 100% real cake because, well, we're crazy like that.

Oh - and the Cake is a Lie (if you get this, I love you)

Wedding Shows Are All About the Same Damn Thing

Somewhere someone at Slice TV is rinsing off from a swim in their vault of gold coins on a mound and trying to mix the words 'Wedding, Bride, Rich, Poor, Wed and S.O.S' into another pseudo reality spectacle. Don't get me wrong, these are usually fairly entertaining, but lose the fancy graphics and 'is he gay' co-host and they're pretty much all the same.

I Can No Longer Visit The Local Brothel

This one falls into the 'I kind of thought, but hoped it wasn't true category'. See apparantly indiscriminant sex with female sex trade workers during an engagement is frowned up in most circles (namely the Bradford-Ancic circle). There may or may not be a small consideration made for bachelor parties, but in the meantime its a no go for 'Red Deer Hose' (they aren't terrific spellers out here, but damn if they don't have gumption).

It Gets Better As It The Big Day Approaches

Sure does. Stress, long distance planning and financial considerations aside, I look forward to the big event more and more each day.

Fin

So...welcome back. This is what I do when I have zero ideas. Imagine the fun when I plan in advance! Hopefully I can keep this going for a stretch. Your support is always welcome.

*My love may have physical limit. see dealer for details. offer expires Jan 23

Hot Rod - Cool Beans

2007-11-20T08:22:00.001-08:00

I don't expect you to understand the context. Only that this scene from Hot Rod has been playing at the Anford household in rotation for the last week (last enjoyed while Pwning Noobs with Steve). Enjoy!

Big News

2007-11-09T09:45:00.001-08:00

I finally beat the 5th level of Halo 3 on Legendary.

Oh - and I got engaged!

PSYCHE!

Since the photos from our amazing Disney Vacation are in the process of sitting in a camera waiting until we find a way to print digitals, I offer this accurate representation of how the event went down:

Yes - those are real fireworks as the question was popped at Epcot centre on the balcony of the Teppanyaki Japanese Restaurant. It was an amazing moment filled with a host of emotions from pure bliss to punch drunk love and 'holy sweet jesus I'm getting married'.

Suffice to say, wedding planning now occurs on a daily basis and will likely continue to do so until next November.

Me = very happy. Me = amazingly lucky. Me = taking donations.

Halo 3: Protips!

2007-10-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.

Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.

So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.

Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'

Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!

Winner #2: Darren!

2007-10-05T13:07:00.001-07:00

See?? Don't you wish you entered now? Our final winner is none other than Darren S. When asked how he'd like to be portrayed, he simply sent me a picture of him before a 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. The Skull and Bones is my nod to his extraordinary movie pirating skills.
NAPTA Forever!

Winner #1 Steve!

2007-10-04T11:24:00.001-07:00

Presenting: Winner numero Uno: Steve from Mississauga (last name witheld due to pending gambling allegations).
Steve is almost usually studying for something on his way to become a psychogermawhatchamacallitologist - so he requested that I depict him as a lifetime student.
For you, buddy - aces up your sleeves and all...

Goodbye Little Buddy (Meatwad Dec 2005 - Sept 2007)

2007-10-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

A moment of silence for the coolest, calmest and downright cutest hamster ever.

Last friday night, our little friend passed away quietly and quickly in the presense of MJ and Myself.

In retrospect, it was the best we could have hoped for. Meatwad had contracted pneumonia and despite our positive thinking, extra lovin' and well wishes, we just couldn't pull her through. Finally, and while in the comfort of a blanket between us, she let go and we had the honor of being there and holding her as she did.

It's funny how attached you get to the smallest of things without thinking. Yeah, she's a hamster and yes she may not have been on her way to curing cancer, but over the past two years she became a honorary third member in our little Alberta family.

She was a constant source of amusement. A unpredictable ball of fuzz that continued to surprise us in her action, reactions and unmistakable character. Yes, she had character. Everyone who met the little gal knew that while she may not have been the most intelligent creature on earth, she was certainly one that broke the mold.

It's hard to describe, so I won't. Needless to say she wasn't just a hamster, she was Meatwad - and we'll miss the crap out of her.

On a slightly humorous/surreal note, she also led us on a bit of an adventure after her death. We decided that it would be best to bury her that night and in a local favorite park. Unfortunately for us, it was midnight, it was raining and the only tools at our disposal were a hammer, a keychain flashlight, shoebox and duct tape.

You can imagine how odd it was when a car passed by and found me walking into the woods with a hammer and roll of duct tape. We quickly decided to find a more isolated location and began what would turn out to be an hours worth of digging. (And they make it look so easy on TV).

Long story short, if you're ever in Red Deer, MJ and I would be more than happy to walk you by the rock which now marks the spot of our late best friend.

Contest Winners

2007-10-02T08:05:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately the contest is a bit marred by other events (see above), but there are still winners to be announced and, damnit, I'm going to announce them.
In a tie: Darren S and Steve H

I ask both of these fine blog-reading folks to email me within the next day or two and put in their requests for how they'd like to be drawn (if any). I.e Darren - you can be a pirate. Steve - you can be the Cuban president.

Whatever your hearts can dream...let me know...

Keep Em Coming!

2007-09-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

The entries, I mean. Keep em coming! And if you don't know what I mean, head down a post and check out the contest.

Also, and if you really can't stand wading through a year of immensely entertaining posts, you could always copy the answers posted in the comment section by someone who obviously has complete disregard for policies and procedures. Still, they may not be right. (And I'm hoping they aren't so I don't have to commit myself to drawing a 'giant package').

Shudder.

In the meantime, kiddies, thought I'd rant a bit about Nintendo.

Now, to begin, you have to know that I pretty much grew up on Nintendo. I was the generation that called it 'Super Mario BrAs' because I didn't know 'Bros.' was a short form of 'Brothers'. Tecmo Superbowl was my afternoon activity and Super Smash Brothers was the only way Steve and I could decide who would do the essential work in our lovely downtown apartment (i.e dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry, feeding the hamster).

*I should note that because of Steve's uncanny ability to find the most cheapest moves in any game (I'm looking at you fan abuser), my wins were few and far between. Which is why, when I look back on things, I probably got into RPG's and other single player outings.*

In any case, what I'm saying is that I was a Nintendo fanboy before the word 'fanboy' crapped itself into the Videogame Lexicon. So you have to believe me when I say that it pains me now to fire a shot against the big N.

But I will. Because someone has to. And there's literally nothing left to do at work.

p.s: A note to Newcap readers - I'm kidding.

So here it is. Nintendo - you've become a dick (See picture above of your negligent-pop-culture whoring). Seriously, you've grown far, far FAR too self-important for your own good and its time to knock you down a peg.

Now, here's where I should be launching into a tirade. And that was the plan until I realized that I posted a similar entry like this at 1up.com. And no, you didn't know it existed because no one read it. So I thought I'd share it with you today:

It begins:

Dear Nintendo,

I've had it up to here with the whole Nintendo Superiority complex, And by 'here', I mean 'mid-neck level' - so while not 'extremely annoyed', I'm not beyond punching the next Nintendo Fanboy in the throat for talking about how Wii sports changed the way we play games. And this is my main problem. It seems like every Wii automatically comes with a soapbox and inflated sense of what it means to be a TRUE GAMER (insert reverb and heroic music).Time magazine even featured the damn thing as if it were the cure for Cancer. People, can we look at this from beyond sales stats and extremely inflated word of mouth? It's a controller for craps sake. Granted, being able to faithfully reproduce physical movements in a virtual medium is a cool trick, it's certainly nowhere near the leaps and bounds in innovation seen elsewhere in the industry. I'm talking about innovations in online play, storytelling, gameplay mechanics, length, audio and graphics. And yes, graphics matter.

Put aside your snobdom for a second and look at this rationally. Better graphics equal better immersion. And I don't care how cool it is to shoot soldiers by flicking your wrist, if they look like jagged zombies, I'm going to switch systems in a flash.

(Whoa! It's like I'm in a REAL game!)

This, in a nutshell, is why I opted for an XBOX 360 instead of a Wii; substance - something beyond mini games and shoehorned controls. I want polish, a sense of epic production values and something new. Good god something new! Sure, for some people it may be fun waiting for those 2 or 3 Zelda/Metroid/Mario titles to show up every 2 years or so, but for me it's like waiting in the cheap theatre for some umpteenth sequel when I could be in the new megaplex watching something new.

Ok, bad analogy.

Here's the deal, my Wii friends have been defending the system since they got it. But what are they playing now? Virtual console games and old gamecube titles. Does that make sense? I thought this system was supposed to be a revolution? So why is there such a heavy emphasis on downloading games you could have easily emulated or bought in the last 2 decades? Oh - I know...because aside from the superb first party franchises, all that's left are 3rd party ports, mini game retreads and disney movie adaptations.

THIS is why Nintendo is dominating the market? What are they putting in the punch??Now just so I'm clear - I don't hate Nintendo. I really do WANT to want the Wii, but I don't want to do it because the sales are at a record high and I'm a giant game hating technophobe if I don't. Motion sensing does not an innovate game make. It's so many other things and, quite frankly, Nintendo just isn't delivering on their promise. Now, if you'll excuse me, Oblivion calls.

100th Post Spectacular!

2007-09-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yes. 100 posts. Roughly a 1:10 ratio of readers to posts, but an achievement all the same!
Huzzah!
So what to do at 100 posts? Hold the very first contest of course! Merely by searching back through past posts (face it, you have nothing better to do), you can win a chance to see your cartoon image front and centre on the SomethingBradford screen!
'What's that' you say?! A FREE Matt-made picture? Of ME? Yes...it's true and all you have to do is correctly answer 5 of the 6 questions below to qualify. Oh - and you have to comment. No emails. No random mentions in the hall. Down and dirty commenting.

So here we go!

1- What is my official Pimp Name? (Hint: 2006)
2- Recite 3 lines from 'Ode to Dick Superman'
3- Name at least 1 game I wrote a review for: (Bonus points if you use the word 'visionary', 'best' or 'unbelievably entertaining' in reference to review.
4-When did Meatwad make her comic Debut?
5-Who won in the Great Jack Bauer Vs. Die Hard Guy battle?
6-Who officiated over my parents' wedding vow renewal?

Good luck and god speed. I'll give you a day or so.

*UPDATE: Its been brought to my attention that posting your answers in the comment section would be pretty stupid considering all one would have to do is wait for the first person to answer. Therefore, please email all answers instead to matto2000@hotmail.com.
Still...you can comment...if you want.

Mocha in

2007-09-14T08:04:00.001-07:00

I know I'm totally going to be the father who shows pictures of his kids about 20 million times a day.
Everyone will be at their desks and I'll come in the room and they'll turn to each other and say 'shit, I bet he has new pictures. Damnit Bradford!'
So on that note - more hamster business. I couldn't NOT post this .... right?

*Update: This isn't Meatwad nor is it me. Come on, like I'd use heart flash wipes in a video. Puhleeease*

*Update 2: apparantly by attempting to edit this post, I erased the video. If you were really interested, look up 'Mocha' and 'Hamster' on Youtube.

Metazoa Ludens

2007-09-14T08:03:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a dream about taking Meatwad outside to play amongst the grass, rocks and dirt. It was cute.
Then I saw this and nearly shat.
Nearly.
I'm hoping this can be scaled down, developed and marketed for a reasonable price in Meatwad's lifetime because, damn, mixing videogames AND meatwad? A dream come true.

AB Post Clarification

2007-09-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Just to clarify a few questions brought to me by various readers.

i) It did not take that long to find the pictures of the ads. Thus, I was not 'looking for male ads on the internet' for longer than, say, 3 minutes.

ii) No, that last picture is not of me.

iii) I have just now deleted both pictures from my hard-drive at work.

iv) I'm not sure if 'hard-drive' is hyphonated.

v) Not so much an answer, but an edit. So as to ensure that people don't get the wrong idea about this blog, I'm attaching the following picture.

Wanted: My Abs

2007-09-10T13:18:00.001-07:00

LOST: 1 Set of Rockin' Ads

(Artist Representation)

REWARD: Negotiable
LAST SEEN: Sometime around Summer of 2000 - near the Ryerson Pub and/or the Young Street Pizza Pizza.
Likely in hiding with 'Innocence', 'Youth' and 'Care-free Summer days of Life'
DETAILS: Infrequent trips to the gym and half assed, self-made dieting programs have failed to locate my abs. Please, if you have seen my abs, or recall being impressed by them in the past (even remotely), contact Marijana Ancic immediately to confirm their existance and, more importantly, that there is still a chance of their return.

COMPUTER AGED RECREATION:

(again, artist representation. Though closer)

CONTACT: Me. But leave a message. I'll probably be playing videogames.

Hellooooooooooo

2007-09-07T09:51:00.001-07:00

Holy Crap! I have a blog...
Is what I realized this morning when dear Mama said she'd read it last week. And then I thought 'Holy Crap, I haven't written anything in a month' followed by 'I wonder if everyone on the Island is actually dead' because I was catching up on lost season 3.
ANYWAYS
So here's my question to you: Who still reads this crap? If YOU do, please leave a quick comment.
Sure, ideally I should blog for the love of blogging (and I really do enjoy it), but the addition of a ladyfriend and XBOX360 in my life means that there's more pulls on my free time.
Long story short, leave a message after the beep...

beep.

Athabasca Photo Fest '07

2007-08-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Aunt Martha's Fist made their debut at the Athabasca Fringe Festival. Here are the photos.

You'll notice Jan (the talented photographer) is in crutches towards the end. Lesson of the weekend: don't cannonball in 1 foot high water.

Have fun looking - we certainly had fun performing.

And for all pictures (not just MJ and I and whomever was next to us) and troupe info (book us at your party!) visit http://www.welkeplace.com/

First up: Rehearsal at the farm. (Not pictured: me getting violated by the electric fence). Performance pictures will be posted later.

New Review!

2007-07-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

For those who care, I occasionally write Video Game reviews for the fun peeps at Canoe.ca's Wham! Gaming.

THIS IS THE LATEST

It's no Mark Twain, but if you want to kill a few seconds and have a read, let me know what you think.

Someday, I'd like to do this for money. In the mean time, free games certainly don't hurt. (P.S If anyone actually owns The Bigs on XBOX360, let me know and we'll have a game).

Hip Hop Kids

2007-07-24T07:36:00.001-07:00

Who'd have thunk that one of my favorite comedians this year would have been Justin Timberlake. Not me, that's who.
But here I am linking to yet another SNL sketch (from the same christmas special) that I can't help but love.
To me, there's a few different types of SNL sketches: the really long political ones, the character pieces and the insanely goofy stuff they leave until the end in case they need something to cut.
Well...let's just say, I'm glad they didn't cut this one....although I can see why they may have been a littly iffy about showing it.
So enjoy. It took me a little while to find it. Here's hoping NBC doesn't arrest my sketch embedding ass.

Tough As Nails Showdown

2007-07-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

Look - I'm not saying Jack Baeur may have lost his title as king bad ass, all I'm saying is that after watching the latest Die Hard last night, I'm pretty sure John McCain could give him a run for his money.

But, instead of just speculating, I thought it would be best to perform a purely scientific comparison between the two.

Catch Phrases

Jack: Damnit.

John: Yippee Kayeh Mutherfucker (sp?)

Winner: Jack. From a pure quantity over quality angle, Jack's been known to make ample use of his trademark 'damnit' 10 times per scene (i.e "Damnit Chloe, I need those Satellites", "Damnit Bill, I need access." or "Damnit, my man-purse is missing." Then there's John who only occasionally mutters his just before delivering the final cumuppins to his nemisis. One could argue that this refined use make's John's a little more poignant, but since the catchphrase in its entirety was not heard in the last movie, I must unfortunately announce the first disqualification. Hence: Jack wins. Damnit!

Personality

Jack: While 'depressingly stoic' technically counts a personality, it's likely that Jack is often 'mistakenly' left out of a majority of CTU social functions.

John: Sure, he's an asshole, but he's an asshole with a heart and shucks, that's what counts.

Winner: John. Sure fighting terrorists is a little hard on the soul, but where Jack scampers around like a stressed-out hamster, John has a little more fun with his danger.

Attire

Jack: Man-purse

John: Whatever he was wearing before shit went down.

Winner: John. True, I'm a man-purse fan myself, but if we're really gunning for badass here, it's best to leave the nail clippers at home.

Ability to down helicopters

Jack: Proficient with helicopter shooting abilities, yes.

John: Uses cars as projectiles because, quote 'I was out of bullets'

Winner: John. Shooting down helicopters is sooo 2002. Using a police car as a cannon? That's the future, my friends.

Ability with Computers

Jack: Excellent. Nary a terrorist, renegade political leader or hard drive can escape Jack's PDA skills.

John: "I'm not too good with this computer shit". Nuff said.

Winner: Jack. An unfair category? Maybe. But considering the technological requirements of today's heros, John should be taking it onto himself to at least enroll in a couple college courses. He's a timex in a digital age. Hah! I made that one up. Actually, no I didn't. It's in the movie.

The 'Walk it Off Factor'

Jack: Once thought impervious to pain, Jack Baeur has indeed shown signs of 'hurting' and or 'sadness' on occasion. Of course, these are few and far between and usually always following 24 hours of beatings, deaths, car crashes, drug addictions, starvation, exhaustion and sexual frustration.

John: More likely to laugh than show pain after getting shot, John has a scary ability to survive the most dangerous of situation and be found bouncing along like he just woke up from a nap in the next scene.

Winner: Jack. Although both have displayed an amazing ability to recover from the most dangerous stunts, Jack has had a few rougher days than John and is still not injured in the slightest or bat shit insane. Then there's the whole 'saving the United States immediately following his 3 year imprisonment in a Chinese torture camp' that gives him the edge needed to take the category.

Luck with the Ladies

Jack: Sketchy at best. Jack has had a few romantic interests, but few have a) survived or b) not fallen into a coma. In all, Jack is most likely to be using his PDA for less noble activities after-hours.

John: Also sketchy. Spends a little too much time saving his ex's ass than getting some of his own. Except in the last movie; nary a boob to be seen.

Winner: Tie. Sure, Jack's snuck a kiss or two in CTU hallways, but neither's track record is anything spectacular. I guess that's the whole 'tortured hero' thing for you.

Conclusion: An unintentional tie. Seriously - I was hoping to convince myself that Jack was still the man, but doing the tally I see that he has truly met his match.

Oh, wait! 1 more category:

Hair

Jack: Neatly coiffed.

John: None.

Winner. Jack.

Thatta boy Jack!!

What Were They Thinking: Episode 1

2007-07-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

I like saying 'Episode 1' because it implies that I will be keeping this up (a) and 'b' it kind of kicks me in the ass to do so.That said - it's time for the first installment of 'Inside the Mind' the time when I look at promotional posters and ask "Hey Matt, What do you think they're thinking?"

First up Cuba Gooding Junior:

"Just to confirm...we're sure Eddie Murphay wasn't your first choice right? Hey, any of you guys remember when I won that Oscar? You know I can act right? No? No problem. Hey, if you have any friends, please tell them I'm available if, you know, they have a movie or something. No biggy."

Second up: Billy Corgan

"Hey guys, this is broody right? I mean, this it what the kids are into. Zeitgeist? Sure they'll get it. No, I don't really know what it means. Oh. It means that? So being out of the scene for years probably makes this album name sound completely contradictory. Bummer. Hmm. I Got it. Hank, can I borrow your neon cross? I totally want to make a vague christian reference. Kids like angst right? God I hope I'm still relevant."

Third:

"Damnit. The dryer. I turned off the dryer right? Think, Optimus, Think. Took out the clothes, shut the door and then ... shit. I hope Bumblebee signed those apartment insurance papers. Note to self: take out chicken."

"What do you mean the title of this movie is a crack at my career? You name me one time I ever played an 'no silly business rough-around-the-edges cop' forced to take on an extrodinary situation and I'll...what's that? You can name ten off the top of your head? Oh. Look, let's shoot this so I start filming that new movie where I play a rugged cop who has to ... shit!"

Oritz: "I'm so going to mangle the shit out of you.

Shamrock: "Not before I tear your ass up in front of the world.

Oritz: "Hey, is that Kalvin Klein?"

Shamrock: "Smells good eh?"

Oritz: "Yeah, it does. Walmart?"

Shamrock: "London Drugs."

Oritz: "I have to there tonight to pick up Sleep-E-Z for Nancy, maybe I'll pick some up."

Shamrock: "Good idea. I love you."

Oritz: "What?"

Shamrock: "I love ... the game. I love this sport. Is what I meant.

Oritz: "...good."

Well that's all for today...please send requests to matto2000@hotmail.com

Damnit Blogger!

2007-07-13T13:21:00.001-07:00

Damn you Blogger. Won't let me add pictures of my own eh? EH? Well I'll show you.
Yeah.
Uh....please come back. Blog is under repair. I'd have a picture of a guy in a hardhat working on a computer, but yeah...assholes.

Back From the Easy

2007-07-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from my adventures in the East.
Yes, a week with the ole parents did wonders and I'm ready to take on life with a fresh new outlook and a full reserve of wide-eyed determination.
Yeah.
In a nutshell, I learned the following during my vacation:

-Things change, situations change, relationships change, but people - not so much. Maybe at the surface level, yes, but no big surprises and I couldn't be happier.
- Transformers is fan-freakin-tastic
- Fantastic Four - not so much
- Sleeman Original Draft is a good beer
- I've gotten worse at Poker
- Likewise Super Smash Brothers (f**ing fan)
- Absense does make the heart grow fonder
- My parent's definition of 'chilly' is largely exaggerated
- Niagara Falls gets better with age
- And so does a relationship with good friends and family. Awwww.

When I get back into the swing of things, I'll have some fancy entries. In the meantime, I'm absolutley loving the 'Cloverfield' movie trailer. I'd link to it, but it's pretty hard to find a copy now that hasn't been taken down. Do yourself a favor and look -

Mika Brzezinski of MNSBC rips Paris report

2007-06-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

Thank you jeebus. Finally someone on a major news network with enough integrity to stop the madness. Look, I know it's all about the bottom line, but opting to put Paris on the top of the headlines for sashaying (sp?) out of jail just speaks to a massive mix-up in priorities. What next? "Thousands Dies In MudSlide. Says Hotel Heiress: That's Not Hot. Her Story Pg.2".
Ridiculous.
Now, whether or not this lady will be raked over the coals by the powers above her is another thing altogether and the cynic in me says she'll have to make an apology or something very soon.
In the meantime - you get my 'Matt's Favorite Lady Who I Never Heard of Before Award'. Be honored, it's not like I just make these things up.

P.S Did you notice I managed to get the video and blog in the SAME POST? I'm evolving people. Please send your sponsorships asap.

P.S.S: Thanks to Phil for putting me on to this video.

The Digital Line

2007-06-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Poppa Bradford and I have this re-occuring debate on censorship. His point is that we can't impose censorship on some things and not others. It just doesn't work. Doing so, says wise ole pops, allows for personal biases, politics, religion and trends to enter the equation. That is, how does one judge what can or cannot be consumed by our culture and how did they get to be the one to decide?

All in all, his answer is simple; no censorship.

And, hell, that scares me.

I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but I'm holding out for a middle ground that appeals to free speech and the need to keep society at least somewhat accountable for its goings on.

Take the recent ban on Manhunt 2 for instance (you had to know this was leading back to videogames).

In a nutshell, Britain has altogether banned the game from distribution on the grounds of it's graphic portrayal of murder. In the game (as far as I can tell, as I've only played the first and the second is now mired in controversy), you play a man who is rewarded for each of his human kills. The bloodier and more depraved, the better.

In the Wii version, one would (as of press time) use the controller to mimic stabbings and throat cuttings. Nice huh?

Obviously, the reactionary video game crowd is all in a frenzy over this 'absurd attack on free speech' and I can somewhat see their point. 'Torture-porn' is the newest craze at the box office and there are television shows depicting the exact same thing.

Herein the issue becomes the degree of influence. In this case, the medium calls on the player to assume the role of murderer and, in turn, work towards a goal of murdering human beings in order to progress.

So, ok, dirty stuff--but nothing that hasn't been done before...right? Maybe. With graphics nearing picture perfect quality, the argument can be made that Manhunt 2 is the most 'real' portrayal of murder. This is bloody, gritty and each face and cut wound has been rendered in beautiful 1080p.

Then there's this....where is the line? If gamers are arguing for free speech and the right to perform whatever acts a developer can dream up, at what point do our moral compasses point to censorship? Will the same videogame martyrs defend a game that allows one to become a pedophile? What about a child muderer? Because, hey, it's just a videogame...right?

See...it's a question of how far we're willing to fly the free speech banner. Personally, I'd like think that everyone could handle a totally non-censored culture, but there are depraved sickos out there and we are influenced by media so there has to be a degree of social responsibility for the acts in which we participate.

Eventually, one game would come along that would test our patience, and I fear that if Manhunt 2 isn't that game, that we can all expect something much much worse to truly test where we stand.

Now, maybe the states have got it right by imposing an 'Adults Only' ban on the game. Then again, what defines an adult? Age? If so, then we disregard the fact that some adults are about as immature and ill-equipped as twelve year olds.

It's a muddy muddy situation. And before we go fighting for the right to murder, I think we have to put our own soapboxes aside and look at this not as 'The Man against Videogames' but 'Where We'll Draw the Line' - because if you ask me...if we aren't drawing the line here, where will it be drawn?

Oh! And One More

2007-06-19T19:40:00.001-07:00

Got some good viewing suggestions in response to the blog - including one from Steve 'I Pee Myself To Compensate For Townhouse Heat' Howard (long story).
That is - Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares
Actually, he said 'Hell's Kitchen', but the one I wanted to mention was this gem of a reality show that basically sheds the whole 'competition' aspect and just goes for straight cursing and beligerance.
Now, imagine if you will, watching a show about an angry drunk hobo who goes into restaurants and proceeds to verbally sodomize everyone in the kitchen. Now, imagine that this drunk hobo is actually a world famous chef who might actually have some good points and that's the basic premise.
A standard scene involves our good chef waxing poetic about the state of a restaurant and then cutting to him cursing like a drunk uncle in the back. i.e

Exterior: The Bradford Bed and Breakfast.
Ramsey (V.O): This quaint homage to old school simplicities benefits from a nice location. I really don't see a problem there...its inside the kitchen where the true modern horrors await me...
CUT TO: KITCHEN
RAMSEY and the HEAD CHEF discuss strategy
Ramsey: You stupid talentless f*ing whore. I've tasted hairy cock sacks that have more taste than this f*ing shite. You deserve to f*ing die you piece of lard ass scab cocker.

Yeah. It's hella fun to watch and I suggest you do as well. Thanks to Steve for reminding me. Also, to donate to Steve's cause, please visit http://www.adultbedwetting.org/

(UPDATE!!: Sweet mother of god do not click that link. What started as a joke has caused me a sleepless night)

TV To Waste Summer By

2007-06-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Since all I seem to do lately is bitch and moan about celebrities and Hip-Hop, I thought I'd return to my roots and talk a little 'tube (That's TV for hip kids).

Now that most shows have finished up for a season, there's a tendancy to get outside and enjoy the fresh open air...sure....if you're a nerd.

True lazy bastards know that Summer is the penultimate time to catch up on the TV you missed or never bothered watch.

And if I may suggest...

THE WIRE

HBO's answer to derivitate crime dramas. Each season focuses one case and follows it through from the little threads to full out raids. As a plus, half of the Wire focuses on the 'other half' aka the gang bangers and urban drug czars who are in the ole cat and mouse game with a rag tag team of drug enforcers.

It takes a while to clue in to the all the lingo and police politics, but those who follow through the entire 12 episode arc, will feel satisfied with the journey. One of those 'oh shit, the episodes over? Well I guess I have time to watch the next one' shows. (tm).

VERONICA MARS

Sadly, Veronica Mars has officially been cancelled - thankfully not before finishing out their third season. I'll have to let you know if its a good wrap-up as I've yet to see/download it, but from what I can tell you, this is simply one of the most fun shows to watch. Mayhaps I've written about this before, but I repeat - if you like smart, funny and dark, this is the show to beat. Of course, like every show that doesn't cater to poop and sex jokes, this didn't get the following it needed or deserved. Rather, it developed a nice base of rabid fans who are now sending Mars Bars to TV execs in a Jericho-ish effort to revive the season. And for good cause. Each season follows a Buffy-like Veronica Mars and her P.I Father through one giant mystery cut up with a host of equally enjoyed and original storylines. Written with a pop-culture flare and definitely for those who dig serials, Veronica Mars is smart TV fun.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Hands down one of the funniest comedies to be axed from the FOX Network in favor of shitty shitty realty programming. Loaded with self-references, inside jokes, sarcasm and downright odd brilliance, Arrested Development follws the downfall of the affluent Bluth family and the subsequent bedlam that ensues...or something. Either way, you have to really watch each episode about 10 times to get every single joke, sight gag and deeply embedded reference. Think the absurd coincidental storytelling of Seinfeld with some of the strangest but funniest writing you've seen. Oh, did I mention I'm a fan? Favorite character: GOB. You'll see.

NIP TUCK

Granted, I'm just barely 7 episodes into the first season, but there's something special about this drama about two 'friends' who run a plastic surgery ... uh, store? What's great about Nip Tuck is that just when it seems to be cliche, it surprises you with great character twists and shocking directions. You'll have to get used to watching some fairly brutal surgery, but you'll also be treated to supermodel-breasts...which are in turn ruined by the fact that you saw them being put in...therefore the point of the show I suspect. Either way, I hasten to call Nip Tuck 'fun', but it's definitely one of those shows that stays with you long after you even want it to.

The War At Home

Not since Married With Children has the middle class life been so expertly-

Ah, just kidding, this show sucks magnificent balls. Please do not watch.

Free Paris! Free Paris

2007-06-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Somehow I'm opposed to everything Nancy Grace has to say. It's like her shrill holier-than-thou voice broadcasts some weird signal which scrambles my logic centres and just generally puts me in polar opposition from anything she rallies against.
She could have a show devoted to saving the whales and that night I'd be chowing down on flipper.
Yeah, it's that bad.
So when she began her crusade against Paris Hilton, I couldn't help but take the opposite view.
That is - is this really justice?
I mean...let's set aside our natural prejudice for famous people who have no right to be famous and let's look at this from a human point of view. In the beginning, I wanted her to hang. I wanted her to not only serve the full 43 days, but I wanted full updates on how much she is suffering...and I don't think I'm alone.
But is this natural? Is the desire to see people suffer justified....ever? Granted, driving drunk is about the stupidest thing anyone can do and she deserves her kummupins of some sort, but punishing her doubly for the ineptitude of one sheriff seems a little out of place.
I mean, she was let out of jail, what was she supposed to do? What would anyone do?
"Sorry, I believe I am being wrongfully released, please keep me here?"
No. That's ludicrous. She got a break - yeah, but how the hell is it her fault that she was released early? This was a foul up on the prison end, not hers, but we're a bloodthirsty bunch and we just have to beat her back into submission at the slightest sign that our mob justice wasn't satisfied.
Look - I'm no Paris fan. In fact, I was waiting for something like this to knock her down a peg. That said, it's already been noted that 2 to 3 days is a normal sentance for her offense and I'm afraid this swift punishment to her early release is more of a political move than a fair one.
We love when celebrities screw up, and we always cry bloody murder when they get away with it. All I'm saying is that we should be careful not to shift our vision of justice the entire opposite way just because we love seeing talentless pointless celebrities burn. We're better than that...right?
I say let her serve 20 days, let her have her breakdown and when she gets released, instead of following her every move waiting for her to screw up again, let's just ignore her. Maybe that's true celebrity justice.
As for Nancy Grace, well, I'll just have to learn to not care.

Rihanna - Umbrella

2007-06-01T08:22:00.001-07:00

Post 80 (Feat. Rant)

2007-06-01T07:33:00.001-07:00

(Note: The Above Video should have been in this post, but I've given up on trying to figure out how to do so. Anyone?)

Admittidly, I'm not the biggest hip-hop/R&B/gansta life music fan. In fact, after watching a direct music video feed at a club in Vancouver last week I was ready to rant about downright lazy the whole damn genre had become. I mean, take away the music (which is what happens in a noisy club) and all you see for 30 odd minutes is a parade of 'rough street smart' guys mugging for a camera in the middle of a street while underdressed 18 year old street walkers cleaned his car(s). Oh, and don't forget the rainfalls of money (which, for all of Alberta's shitty weather patterns I have yet to see).

Anyways - long story short, the genre wasn't impressing me. And it wasn't just the videos, it was the songs...the same damn sentiment time and time again "It was rough, I'm rough, now I'm screwing supermodels and selling million dollar albums. Also - I can't eat much because I have coated my teeth in metal".

BUT THE REAL point of this post is because I actually started to like a few artists here and there...mainly female artists who brought at least something resembling structure, harmony and thought to the music.S o imagine my suprise when I download this Rihanna song only to be treated to this right off the top (edit: see Above)

I'm sorry...did I download a podcast? Was the song that hard to understand thematically that Jay-Z had to come out and explain it to me?

Then I realized this is one of the reasons why I've avoided hip-hop: because of self-promoting nonsense like this. How many times have I had a reasonably fun/good Hip Hop song interrupted by the producer or some remotely famous artist doing his own interpretation right in the middle of the damn song?

It's like they record these guys singing in the shower to the song and then mix together both tracks for one crazy cool final product. No! You don't see Ozzy Osborne suddenly appearing in a Rob Zombie video yelling 'Sharon! Sharon!' - why? Because Rob Zombie can stand by himself - just like Rihanna can do her own shit without having to be molded once more into 'Rap Female Bot 3000' while her master parades around her.

And its not just Rihanna...in my limited Hip Hop history knowledge, I can recall a good number of songs which were great by themselves but just had to feature 'So and So' to validate being in the industry. Stop it. Let the woman sing, damnit! Save the macho parading for your own stuff and let the genre evolve! It's like watching some drunk uncle show up to his niece's battle of the bands and take over the stage.

So that's that. I propose a band on the word 'Feat.' in a music title. If you are too lazy to do your own stuff, don't shoehorn yourself into another artist's stuff just because you happen to a) think everyone was just dying to find out where you'd pop up next b) were in the studio that day or c) you think that doing any work on the album automatically buys you a free ticket to talk over the main tracks.

Thanks - Matt (Feat. Dirty Bizzle B)

2 Years With the Croatian Sensation

2007-05-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well today's the big landmark - 2 years dating MJ. 1 Year and a bit in Peace River and nearly a year living together.
For those counting that's 2 freakin' years. 2! But great years they've been and (although cliche) things keep getting better.
So since I'm sure she doesn't read this anyways (ok, she says she does, but like everyone else, never comments) I thought I'd detail how we met in a totally biased retelling.

Flashback 2 years ago.
The scene: Moon Saloon, Peace River.
Imagine that one bar in the shitty part of town where you'd only go to if everything else had a line up and/or they had cheap beer. Now imagine the patrons peeing on cop cars outside and you've got a good idea of Peace River's number 1 (and only) club.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's reverse to 6 hours earlier.
It was friday - and as with every friday, us cheap writers had made a tradition of heading to the only buffet in town. It was a Chinese Buffet, but looking back, it was pretty much 5 different ways of cooking chicken and the option of rice or salad. In any case, I had invited MJ (the cute new news lady) out to our tradition and, lo and behold, she actually joined us.

Buoyed by this mini-success I promptly made like a man and told another girl that I 'liked her' and if she could suss out the situation that night at the going away party for one of our writers. You know, what girls do best.

Yep - I was that smooth.
Fast forward a few hours and we were finishing up a meal while I was making painful conversation about MJ's cell phone and how the little cartoon at the beginning was kind of cute. It was my 'A' game to be sure, but she bit and when it came time to move locations she made it quite obvious that she was at least willing to give me a chance:

Me: I don't know if I'm going out tonight.
Her: No, you're going out tonight. And you're driving me.

Jackpot! In an effort to help a good cause, my good buddies Trent and Heather lent me their car for the occasion and I was able to give MJ the first of many rides. Ba-doom-ching!

Once we arrived at the moon saloon, the girl I had confessed to about MJ wasted no time in dragging her to the washroom for a girls talking following which I bought a few drinks and coerced her into dancing for a couple slow country songs. She accepted and the night ran its natural course (which for the moon saloon ment 80+ guys went home sexually frustrated while the 2 or 3 actual females passed out behind the air conditioner out back).

At about 2am, it was decided that I would be driving a boat load of drunk people home - MJ included (though not drunk as others as she had to work in 3 hours). Thanks to some creative mapping, she was the last person I'd drop off and while we wouldn't end the night with a kiss (that was the next day) we did simultaneously ask each other out. I'd like to think I made the initial 'would you...' but she'll tell you different.

Flash forward 2 years and here we are. And to you, MJ, if you actually read this - thanks for everything and for everything still to come.

Shrekked Off

2007-05-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

And open letter to Shrek's Marketing Team: Stop. Seriously...put the CGI down.
Though I haven't sat down with the numbers, I'm fairly sure that the number of animated Shrek commercials equals - nay exceeds - the actual amount of animation for the movie. I can't turn a channel now without seeing Donkey and Shrek whore themselves out for something else.
And an overweight shit-eating ogre as the mascot for healthy eating at McDonalds? Huh?
Look - marketing is fine - business is business, but Shrek was a franchise that catered to a more jaded / sarcastic audience who had their fill of machine made movies and enjoyed the slanted take on the genre.
Now, its become THAT VERY GENRE. Shrek 3 looks to me like nothing more than a toy/M&M/videogame/happy meal selling vehicle.
I have fond memories of the first Shrek. I took my mom to it for Mother's Day. We laughed. It was new. Fresh.
Now...this:

Shrek's dignity brought to you by the New 2008 Ford Escape

Link Lot Special Edition

2007-05-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

Many people ask me: "Matt, how do you do it? How do you blog twice, nay, nearly 3 times a week?"
A daunting task, I know. And like a magician, I can't give away my secrets, but I can tell you that much of the process relies on extreme web savvy and a knack for finding inspiration in the smallest of internet pearls.
That and I'm this damned computer far too much.

Now, In a very special Link post, I thought I'd paste the 7 ten sites that are currently doing the best job at keeping me busy and/or distracted. I did this before, so I apologize for the overlap (if there's any). Either way, If you've read this blog before and remotely like what I have to say, I'm sure you'll enjoy these suggestions:

In no order:
Kotaku: Recently one of Jack Thompson's latest targets, this gaming blog is a fairly comprehensive round up of all things videogame - without the inflated reviews and finely tuned marketing.
The Consumerist: Remember those 60 minute exposes where they bring in a truck for repairs and secretly videotape the mechanics screwing over the customer? This site is kind of like that...except smarter and more about how not to be screwed over.
Gametap: In the 'Where Were You My Whole Life' comes this gem of a site. For a small price, you can play about 800 games; some new, some old, some classic. It's like a full library of games at your fingertips without the pesky illegal downloading business.
This American Life: A nice light podcast about, well, life. Sounds frou frou, I know, but its appeal to the zeitgeist of the everyday man is instant. Awesome - I finally used the word zeitgeist. And probably wrong. Anyways, I believe that they're charging for current podcasts, but older ones can be streamed for free. And given that there's nearly 3 years of archives, I'm sure you'll find a few to keep you busy.
Press the Action Button: I rarely read videogame reviews anymore (except my own on canoe.ca ...PLUG PLUG), but I've always loved reading bad ones. Here, they attack a few gaming legends and usually with good cause. Are they just trying to be hip and counter-culture? Maybe. Do they ramble a bit? Maybe. Are they the most interesting reviews to read lately? Definitely.
Funny or Die: Like digg for comedy sketches. Current favorites include anything by 'Human Giant' and Will Ferrill's (no, I'm not going to bother spellchecking that) 'Landlord'.
Kitty Cannon: Still the game of choice for NewCap radio's crack creative team. Also how we determine who gets water.

And so...that's that. Have fun and let them know who sent you.

TV Shopping

2007-05-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

I know, I know - in a world of global warming, prolonge wars, rampant racism and worldwide famine, the least of my worries should be television shopping.
But here we are.
I remember about 6 years ago getting the 'new TV' itch, counting up my hard earned Roger's Video money and purchasing a 27" behemoth. At that time, my only options were base color, size and whether or not I wanted to include some crappy factory reject VCR.
Easy. Simple. Cheap.
Now - not so much.
A funny thing happens when you have to spend a lot of money in a short amount of time...you get used it. So - after moving expenses, plane tickets and new clothes I've now got a new tv on the brain and about a zillion or so options to wade through.
Plasma, LCD, Projection, DLP, LLD, Super VCD, LOL, Mononeucleotic HD Scan Progressive Plexi-form Neuromax 3000, etc.
Try asking a best buy employee which one is best and, low and behold, it's the $1800 model they just got in last week. Lo and behold - I don't have 1800 to spend and no one has yet to convince me that I SHOULD spend nearly 2 grand on a product most admit WILL FAIL in 5 years.
Seriously, its like the designed each new tv with one feature that will blow out, fade or rip in 5 years time. Damn you consumers! Damn you for buying into this and making my enjoyment of big screen videogaming that much more expensive and complicated.
Add on the fact that I'll have to subscribe to an HD service,purchase HD cables and replace my internal organs with HD-ready parts, what was once a simple quest for a bigger picture has become and entire living room renovation.
Sigh.
Though I guess if this was the only thing I could think to bitch about, things could be a lot worse.
In the meantime - opinions? Suggestions? Donations?

Meatwad's Opus

2007-05-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

Presenting the world premier of Meatwad's first publishing.

aka: We put her on my laptop keyboard and below is what turned out:

Uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewwwwwccccccccccccccccccccccc

cccccccccccccarrrr-p[yve

From what I can gather, she hit the 'paste' button which, unless I don't know my shortcuts, required a stretch of one leg on Control and a paw on V.

Also - if you look closley, it looks like she's typed 'A Neeeeewww Carrrr!" which would suggest that she's been chanelling bob barker or she's vaguely referencing the need to be spayed or neutered.

Or I could be reading too much into this.

HOLY CRAP - An Entry!

2007-05-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

Is what I assume you're saying. If, of course, you're still reading this.
Normally, I'd shy away from journal-esque blogging, but I feel I should at least try to explain my absense.

It pretty much comes down to cold cuts and landlords.

A few weeks back, MJ and I decided on homemade subs for dinner. We bought a pack of cold cuts and had ourselves a regular old sub party (not one of those trendy modern ones). Looking back, I think it was the turkey that had me spewing liquids from every opening in my body for three straight days. I can't be certain, and it could have even been some freak strain of ebola, but the turkey was the only thing I ate and she didn't so my brilliant powers of deduction came to this conclusion.

I don't remember much of those few days. I remember the hospital and watching home reno shows on TLC. I also remember MJ taking care of me. And, oh yeah, the vomitting.

I've since recovered following a couple weeks of quesy stomachs and weird rashes. Too much information?

As for the 'landlord' thing - our ex-apartment owners decided to hop on board the condo train and sell our places. We had a little while to find something, but we didn't want to compete for that elusize 0.0007% vacancy rate in Red Deer so we promptly pounded down the doors of anyone still renting.

Luckily, we found something and we're living there now. And hence...the food poisoning and move drained any sanity and desire to blog from my poor drug ravaged body.

Cool? I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?

Still Alive

2007-04-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I said it, I did it!
Thanks to the following for saying hello:

Steve 'Shitty Mic' Howard from Oakville
Tara 'I Can't Understand Bradford When He's Drunk' Towers from, uh, Toronto?
Carl 'Mini-thunder from Down Under' Pervis from Australia
Kelly 'Sick as a Horse' Thompson from Red Deer
Paul 'Future Employer' L from Toronto

And the few people who gave me notice verbally. Blogs are fun, I hope to have something new in the next couple days...if, of course, you're still around.

Online Poker, A Plea to Readers and News

2007-04-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Alright - 72 posts later and I think its about time we did a round up.
Please, if you're reading this, take two seconds to fill out a quick comment with your name and location. I'll post them all (the whole 3 or 4 of them) in a couple days. Just want to get an idea of who's reading and where.

e.g., for readers out East, maybe I should talk, uh, Blue Jays.
For westerners, I'll just type slower.

And....go....!

Calling all poker players. The first Official Bradford-Howard Invitational Online Poker Tournament kicked off last Friday. It was a gruelling match between Steve 'My Microphone is a Piece of Crap' Howard and Matt 'I Can't Play in Real Life, why the Hell Do I Think I Can on the Internet' Bradford.

After some stunning back and forth action, it was Steve who poked out ahead with a $10 lead before heading into the public tables where the Bradford-Howard tag team took on some of the net's best....and lost.

Matt was first to lose his 30$ investment. Little is known of Steve.

Graeme, Boston Todd, Mike, Shea and Ricky sent their regrets. I will have nicknames for them if and when they decide to step up to the big boys.

If you wish to play, please send an email to mirbradford@hotmail.com

Oh - and we may have found an apartment. That, and my anus hurts from the proposed rent.

Eviction, 10 Year old Waiters and Micheal Jackson Cyborgs

2007-03-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Crazy couple of days...

For one, MJ and I were brutally run over by the great wheels of Red Deer's economy.
Last night we received a notice that our apartments were going to converted into condos. We're suppose to attend a meeting tonight to discuss 'any and all of our questions' though I'm pretty sure all of the answers will pretty much come down to them repeatedly violating us with eviction papers.
Sigh - and it was such a nice place.
I'm no stranger to moving. I've moved 4 times in the last two years. The first couple times were fun but the last was a trainwreck of happy-fun incidents (broke a U-Haul, lost a car, almost killed 2 girls on bikes, etc.).
I would love to be able to buy a house out here. That said, I'd also love to come into work in a hovercar. I don't think either is financially doable at this point in time.
Facts are facts - Alberta is a hot province and property owners can get more money selling than they can renting. Who cares if that means 200 people now have to fight for the 5 available apartments in Red Deer...that's just business. I don't hate capitalism, only when it works against me.

What's more, we were seated to lunch today by a 10 year old. None of this 'looks young' crap, I'm talking bonefide 'just starting to grow hair in weird places' 10 year old employee.
At first I thought the main server had just left their son at the stand, but when he started working the debit machine I knew I was witnessing the beginning of the end.
Suffice to say, Red Deer is pooched. We're rich, but we're pooched because the very same oil industry that's making us rich is also scooping up all the jobs and increasing the cost of living into copywriter-unfriendly levels. I even heard talk of reducing the minimum working age to 12 in bars. IN BARS, people. I don't even think they have job interviews here, I just think you show up, submit yourself to a pulse check and then they hand you a security pass.
Oh - and Micheal Jackson is building a 50 foot robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes at oncoming planes in the Nevada Dessert as a promo for a show wherein audience members can control on stage Cyborgs.
This is a sign of the apocolypse right?

BloodRayne and Links! Glorious Links

2007-03-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

MJ and I rented BloodRayne on Saturday. To clarify - our intention was to get a nice big ole bottle of wine and rent the crappiest movie we could find.
Success!
I thought about doing a review but I think this movie would be best enjoyed with very little prep. Suffice to say, it features Meat Loaf as a prostitute eating vampire, Michelle Rodriguez in her trademark 'pissed off' role, bloody monks, a plot only a fanboy could love and lots of 'WTF' moments.

Oh, and FYI: Be afraid.

Secondly, wasn't really going to do links, but I thought these few warranted a peak.
A little while back, I wrote a small post about how the MMO masses in gaming could be put to better use than making Porncraft or, well, whatever it is they do for 40+ hours a week.
Turns out, someone's actually doing something.
To be fair, gamers aren't really doing anything themselves, but ingenious scientists are calling on PS3 owners to help them solve cancer.
Obviously, its more complicated than that and you can read about it HERE
Otherwise, Steve Colbert does a nice job HERE
And to round-off the three....Superman across the world! (funny stuff)

More Requests and Bad Jokes

2007-03-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Don't panic.

I know the blog has been updated 3 times in a row but i assure you its still me and I haven't been replaced by some evil, more efficient, twin.

Steve (long time reader/ Guy I'll most likely be stuck in a room with at the retirement home) requested Grey's Anatomy for a 12 line review. Again, I'll have to consult my sources (Marijana), but this will/maybe happen. I'm still trying to do Gilmore girls, but my ear starts to bleed after, like, 15 minutes of listening to the dialogue.

For those unaquainted with Gilmore Girls, it goes something like this:

Mom: Hey, we have cheese.
Daughter: Cheese?
Mom: Cheese.
Daughter: What kind of cheese? Brie? Monteray Jack? Chedder? Mozzerella? Marble?
Mom: Marble.
Daughter: Good marble? Bad Marble?
Mom: Marble, Marble. What does it matter?
Daughter: Marble matters, mom. Marble matters.

etc. etc for the next 15 minutes.

Otherwise, I'm being whisked away to Edmonton for business (way less important than that sounds) so to make up for my short vacation, I leave you with a few of the best jokes I've heard recently - family friendly!

What bees give milk?
Boo-bees!

Why shouldn't you have a bath with a Pokemon?
He might Peek-at-chu!

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Har har! Good times.

69...teehee

2007-03-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day? Crazy! ... yet necessary.
Submitter Darren S (last name witheld for security reasons) sent me this awesome clip with the following:
"Either the best televison show pilot ever or the worst. You decide."

Yup...I already love it and you may (or may not) as well after watching the premier episode of HEAT VISION AND JACK (reverb, reverb, reverb).

Oh - and I've been asked to give a 12 line synopsis of Gilmore Girls...to which I'll have to do some research. Stay Tuned!

Oh Part#2 - This is technically the 69th post. hehehee. I will be going to the Sex Show next weekend and plan on doing a product review for the occasion. Well...no, I was going anyways.

Abridged Television, Episode 1

2007-03-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

(update: bonus blog mention to anyone who can tell me why Blogger changes formatting just for the hell of it)

Keeping up with the latest in TV-land can be a chore. I mean, what between working, eating, bathing and trying to not be a lazy bastard, it can be tough to find the sit-down time required to keep up with everything the boob-tube has to offer.
Relax - I'm here to help.
For the TV viewer on the Go, I present: Your Favorite Shows in 12 Lines part one.

24
GRAPHIC: A digital clock ticks
Terrorist: Finally, the American dogs will pay!
Jack: Drop the gun!
Jack's Superior: Jack, this is highly against protocol.
Jack: There's no other option!
Another option presents itself. 24 in fact.
Jack: Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!
Special Guest from earlier Season: Jack - I'll help you.
Jack: Sure, wait - aren't you working for the Ackhmed Ab'SalemGaresh?
Special Guest/Mole: Die American Pig!
Jack: Drop the gun!
SFX: A digital Clock ticks

Lost
A plane crashes, the remaining survivors scramble to make sense of their new surroundings. In the distance, a monster.
Jack: Crap! A Monster.
Hurley: And numbers! Mysterious numbers.
Locke: And the hatch!
Charlie: Oh! And that French Lady
Sun: Don't forget about the others
Desmond: Plus I think I can read the future
Mr.Ecko: I was an interesting character, right? Right?? WTF?
Jack: Ok - everyone just relax. We'll get to the bottom of this...

The most popular characters are kidnapped.

Remaining Cast: Does anyone know what this shit is about?

Smallville
Clark: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny
Lex: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny...yet not enough to avoid continually being involved in every single Smallville Conspiracy
Lex's Dad: That's my boy!
Lana: Wah Wah - I hate pretty much everyone and everything. Also - I miss my parents.
Chloe: Anyone need anything looked up?
Lois: Hmmm how best can I get into a skimpy outfit today?
Meteor Freak of the Week: Wah Wah I want REVENGE
Clark's Dad: Baaaaarrrrghh. (He dies).
Suddenly realizing that all he's done for 6 seasons is bitch and moan, Clark forms the early Justice League.
The cast continues to bitch and moan.

And for old time sake...

X-Files
Mulder: I believe in Aliens
Scully: I do not.
Mulder: Have you seen my sister?
Mudler is abducted. Scully gets pregnant. Repeat for 5 seasons.
Mulder: Now I really believe in Aliens.
Scully: You know, I kind of do too. Plus, you know that platonic relationship we swore we'd never violate?
Mulder: Yeah...?
They violate.
Smoking Man: *coughs* I hate you both.
Mulder: Trust No 1
Mulder and Scully get replaced by the Termintor and some Goth Chick.

Ok...so just a few. Btw, I take requests...

While It Lasts

2007-03-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

While It's still there, my third review is up and ready. Have a look by clicking HERE
Or you could also try HERE
And, if all else fails, you could also click HERE

Quick apology to Mr.Steve Howard. In the past, I've tried to fit in a word of his choosing into the reviews. This time my trigger finger sent away the final draft before I had a chance add 'Jiggy'.
For this, I am deeply ashamed.

Oh, and for those who have yet to see my new cartoon, well, check out the post below.

Meatwad Makes Her Debut

2007-03-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

First a new banner and now a new comic - I know...crazy...but true!

I introduce the first in a series of 'Meatwad' cartoons. It took me a while to get the dumbfounded Meatwad look just right, so please be kind.

Anyways, click the above image for full sized hamster goodness.

New Look

2007-03-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

You may notice the fancy banner at the top of the page.
To answer your question: no, that's not my handiwork.
The credit must go to George from Toronto - a good friend and great with the ole photoshop. I promised to plug George, but I do so gladly because the end product is grrreat. If you wish to put George to work for you, email ndbuddy@hotmail.com.
Just don't mention 'No doubt' and or anything Gwen Stefani related or else you'll never hear the end of it.

Otherwise - does anyone know how to get rid of the actual header? It took me too long just to get the dang picture up.

This In No Time For Joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub

2007-03-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

A bit of a hybrid post as I do have one great link to share and then a rant on Videogame Stores (which fits in well with the whole 'I'm a giant geek' theme).

First though, the link to a superb SNL sketch: SNL BUSINESS MEETING
Secondly - my new favorite music video (for all the wrong reasons)

To be fair, I hadn't actually seen any of these until someone pointed it out. And by someone I meant www.pointlesswasteoftime.com. And that's not a plug, because he's doing fine.

Thirdly- I thought I'd share with you my new character sheet for a new TV Sitcom I'm pitching. Actually, its a thinly veiled rant on franchise Videogame Stores *ahemebgamesahem*. I've been on both sides of the cash machine, so I'll try to be fair...

For your consideration...

"PLAYED OUT":
A Wacky Expose on the Lives of Video Game Employees

THE STORE MANAGER: Bo Knowsall!
Does Bo know games? You bet your obsolete Dreamcast he does! In fact, he knows games so well he the hot shot behind the counter who'll be the first to make any customer feel like a total douchebag for asking any game related question! Didn't pre-order? You don't want Bo to find out! Douchebagoramma! Just 25 and on his way to an apartment all for himself, Bo is king of the ring! Ladies look out!

THE TOKEN HOT EMPLOYEE: Vicky Von Outtaplace!
Who knows how an attractive girl wound up at an EB Games store, but you won't find Bo and the others complaining! No siree! Vicky's got a fiery attitude and a head for all things Sims and Sims related! Whether she's marking up a used game well beyond its value or locking away the pre-orders, you won't care how much she screws you on trade-in value, just as long as she smiles! Teehee! Oh Vicky!

THE JADED GAMER EMPLOYEE! Derrek Obscuro!
Ack! Mainstream games are for the sheep! Fresh from his job as sour faced music store employee, Derrek is ready to make you feel like cheap corporate whore for buying anything that doesn't have big eyed anime pre-teens! Grumble grumble Derrek - I guess we'll never be as game savvy as you!

THE EXPERT EMPLOYEE! Jack HotShot
Man - don't you hate customers who know nothing about games? Jack does! Whether he's putting a mother in her place or trash talking clueless customers behind the XBOX display, Jack's the man to go for everything game related. Keep on keepin' on Jack! Booyeah!

THE FANBOY REGULAR - Clarence Gimmeajobplease
Just because he doesn't work there, doesn't mean he can't tell you what a piece of shit PS3 and PSP are! When not making sweet sweet love to all Nintendo related products, you'll find the Fanboy settling in at the front desk for a fun filled 8-hour shift of talking to anyone who will listen! Hey, did you hear about Clarence's take on the latest BSG cliffhanger? You will! And did you hear about how Clarence totally traded in his Mario Party 7 only to find out that he also gave up his gamecube microphone! Boy howdy, you'll hear about that too! Better line up, friend, because Clarence has this counter covered! Huzzah!

THE CREEPY COMIC RELIEF: Carl Onparole
He doesn't really know games, but that doesn't stop Carl from shuffling around and staring at Vicky's boobs. Once a month, he might buy an old Madden game - but only if its on sale! Uh-oh!

THE SHADY EXECUTIVE: Dr. NicklenDime
Who's the mysterious voice behind the phone at demands all employees shove useless warranties down customer's throats! It's crazy Dr. NicklenDime! Keep an eye on your wallet and never, ever, suggest going to Wal Mart.

I'll be auditioning roles after I finish the script. Please send headshots to matto2000@hotmail.com.

Ghostrider Review (more or less)

2007-03-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

Sometime between now and last wednesday I saw Ghostrider. The goal was to see Zodiac, but with my mind on autopilot and with MJ all misses "wa wa I worked 16 hours today, then I cleaned the apartment, then I picked returned your movies now I'm so tired" we decided on something shorter and less demanding on our poor fragile psyches.

Turns out Ghostrider was just the trick.

So I thought I'd try my hand at a quick review. But to make it special, I'll review Ghostrider as its target demographic: 7-9 year olds.

Ghostrider
By Matthew Bradford

Hi, my name is matthew and I saw Ghostrider. Ghostrider stars that man from the car movie with the thieves. It also has a girl and an old guy from tv. There was this totally cool part in the beginning where ghost rider was, like, jumping over busses and he falls and then he tries jumping over helicopters and lives and then tries driving down the highway to find this girl almost gets smashed by another bus. Then he signed autographs. Then ghostrider remembers why he can't die, because some guy said 'I'll save your dad if you sign this'. Ghostrider then pricked his finger and the guy was like 'hahaha' and then ghostrider's dad is saved from the flu but dies anyways.

The graphics in the beginning sucked. Ghostrider looked old and that girl's boobs were soooooo fake or something like Bobby's sisters boobs.

Anyways so some other guy with a white face shows up at a biker bar and the biker is all "you can't come in" and whiteghostface is totally "yeah? yes I can, stupid" and then he totally drains the guy of like blood and bones and then he does the rest to everyone else in the bar because I guess he wanted to have a drink but not have to worry about the noise.

Then ghostrider has date but misses it. Whitefaceghostman calls on his friends who are all like 'I'm air" , "I'm water" , "I'm dust or wind" and then one guy is sand which I guess is earth.

They go to a railroad station to find a scroll and ghostrider shows up. Except now he's on fire and looks like my brother's computer game. He has a whip and he beats them. He's very strong and he makes the sand guy turn into glass because he's so hot. But not, like, gay hot. Me and wendy from Ms.Mitzgibbens class are going out so I didn't mean that.

Then ghostrider is totally busted and he beats up prison guys except one kid. He also points a lot at people and makes them stare into their own souls or something. I never read the comic.

I don't know what happened in the next bit because Joey got us kicked out by being such a tool. When we snuck back in he was killing the wind guy with fancy fire CGI so I guess those guys were dead.

Then they showed this totally cool part from the videogame. Or it could have been the movie. Anyways, ghostrider is totally in whitefaceguysface with a big gun and thatwhitefaceguy is like 'you can destroy me, I have the souls of tons of mexicans'. But he does. I dont know how, but the movie goes pretty quick so i didnt find out.

Then ghostrider ditches the girl because he wants to be a hero.

The End.

Things to Do When You're Dead (In Red Deer)

2007-03-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

Boy-howdy its been a fun week. Between the fever sweats, headaches, hacked up lungs and mouth breathing I don't know where the time has gone. Wooowweee.
If I've learned anything in these past few snot-fueled days, its been a) nothing truly washes down the taste of buckley's b) insomnia does not make daytime television better and c) I'm a giant baby when I'm sick.
Actually, mostly c.
Now that I can finally eat solids and dress myself without passing out (which are, oddly enough, entry levels skills for working on-air), its high time I actually did something with this blog.

...but not now.

No...now is for more Buffy re-runs, doritoes and (fingers crossed) the girlfriend coming home with Tim Hortons.

Until then, stay tuned. Big things ahead, I promise.

Link Lot #4 - Children of Links

2007-02-27T09:39:00.000-08:00

Because I have non-posting guilt, here's a few links that might make up for lack of content (based on the assumption that what I post is considered content).

1 - Mikey at 'My Boy the Girl' passed along this uber rad Jean Claude Van Damme article. Even if you're aren't a fan of splits, renegade cops or shady martial arts tournaments, this still makes for a hilarious read: CLICK ME!

2 - Then there's this semi-cool collection of pictures. Some guy made cities out of playing cards ... and I thought Phil was obsessive about building his giant risk board (more on that at 'Dream Country' - see blog links). Anyways, this reminds me of that Simpsons spoof about the CGI Movie 'Cards'. CLICK ME, FOO!

3 - And proof that SNL can be genius - Brohans.com (I'll pretend I know them) compiled a list of classic mock commercials. Most are a little dated, but they include two of my favorites - Dissing your Dog and Schmitt's Gay. They don't have that one about robot insurance for old people though. Shame. DROP THE GUN AND CLICK ME NOW!

4- Finally - I'm a little late on this one - George Takei speaking out against Tim Hardaway's anti-gay ramblings. Hilarious. MAKE IT SO!

The Public Execution of Britney Spears

2007-02-23T09:33:00.001-08:00

Rant Levels = high
So Britney shaved her head. Call in the national guard.
In case you haven't seen Craig Ferguson's take on the over-exposed Britney, do yourself a favor and click on this nicely colored link HERE.
Essentially, its more about his own experience, but he's also calling for a moritorium on all Britney bashing - and I couldn't agree more. Folks, the media is killing this poor girl and as long as we keep jumping at every piece of bullshit Britney news, they won't stop until she's completey bat-shit insane.
In case you're wondering, I am 100% genuine here. I honestly feel bad for the ex-pop princess. And to demonstrate why, I ask you to clear your mind and live a couple years in the life of Britney Spears.

Year 1-3 (rough estimate) you're a bazillionaire media darling. You're also young and so you trust the media moguls and PR people when they say that they can make you even bigger if you just let them make the most out of your good looks and great voice. They convince you to let them shape your image - your style - your sex appeal. So you agree and soon, as promised, everyone in the world loves you. The cameras love you, the talkshows love you, your fans love you - it's the dream come true. Everything you are is what the media wanted you to be - and it's worked. They've pumped you up because you are a hot brand and after selling a majillion (new number) records, you can't help but believe your own hype.

Year 4: Things are good. But lo and behold you learn the hard way that everyone loves a loser as much as they love a winner and soon all that media attention takes a turn. Soon, the media wants to hate you because it sells more paper. Overnight, your successes are trumped by your every single mistake - mistakes that normal people make every day, but are suddenly the BIGGEST FUCK-UPS ever according to the very same media outlets who once put you on a pedastal. Soon you can't fart in public without Entertainment Tonight calling you a dirty whore.

Year 5-ish: After being under a microscope for years and having ever failed singer call you a fake, you say 'fuck it. If they hate me, I'll lay low. I'll get married, live the normal life'. Simple, right? Not by a long shot. Because now the trendy thing to do is showcase every mis-step you take. All the sexually frustrated old men who once found you attractive are now so easger to tear down whomever you pick as a mate. In this case, the guy you pick is a little rough around the edges. You know this, but you also plough through because you know him better than everyone. Still - for the next couple years you wake up to the newspapers, magazines and tv reminding you what a douchebag he is. You try to avoid them, but it's useless...you know his every move and how everyone hates him. Everyone wants you to fail - and if that means tearing up your marriage, so be it.

Year 6: So you dump him. You shake off the bad press. But by now, you're like 'fuck it - they don't want me to be popular, they don't want me to be happily married, they don't want me to be a good mom - I'm starting to go a little crazy - I need to let off some steam.'
Nope - sorry. You want to have some fun? Guess what - you're a dirty , vagina-flashing whore now. Why? Well...it sells ad time on ET and the public absolutely loves watching you spiral downhill.

Year 7: You shave your head. Anything for attention at this point will help. You've also cracked a little under the strain of a billion eyes - all telling you what a dirty, talentless tramp you are. You drink more because what else is there to do? You've resigned yourself to the fact that nothing you will ever do again will be cast in a positive light - so why try?

And....scene.

I won't say she hasn't made her mistakes, but I dare you to stay sane after the barrage of horrible press. I was never a huge Britney fan, but what I'm seeing these days feels more like a public execution than entertainment news.
Leave it alone. Let her be. There's bigger fish to fry out there - people who need to be scrutinized.
When and if Britney goes too far, it will be on our heads, people. And you know what? She'll be a saint. If Britney were to go tomorrow, she'd be the 'Fallen Angel' we all loved. Because tributes get ratings, too.

Why I'd Never Survive Starfleet Command

2007-02-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Nerd Levels = High

It's a statistical fact that a repeat Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG for the hipsters) plays roughly 300 times a day in 65 languages.

Without even trying, I've watched the entire series again. Or almost. In any case, I've sat down to enough repeats to realize that never ever would I make a good officer aboard the Enterprise.

And here's why.

1 - THE HOLODECK
You're kidding me right? The ability to live out my most fantastic/erotic dreams at my beck and call and I'm suppose to maintain the coupling relays on the warp core? I can't count the amount of times I'd fake sick just to some extra time in the 'Playboy Mansion Program 36Y69'. Oh, and don't forget about bathroom breaks. I barely have the will power to avoid casinos, let alone 3D physical manifestations of my most inner desires. I'd be begging to borrow holodeck time from everyone - so much so that I'd become 'that guy' who's just nice to the lieutenants because he wants more holo-minutes. Nevermind that I wouldn't do any work - that's obvious - I'm talking about full blown addiction that'd eat up sickbay resources and eventually lead to the Enterprise returning home just to drop my sorry ass off.

2 - DEANNA TROI

Hot, yes, but useless. This is a woman who can read the thoughts of an alien diplomat through a viewscreen over a million miles away but can rarely figure out who's possessed or who's planning a bloody coup. Odds are Riker would catch me rolling my eyes one time too many and send me packing. I can't stand useless aliens and my contempt would, in time, get the best of me.

3- KLINGONS

I have a tendancy to be a smart ass and from what I've gathered, Klingons rarely understand sarcasm. They also want to fight about everything. I'm not saying ALL Klingons are bad, I've just witnessed my fair share of emotionally stunted 'ridge heads' to know that I wouldn't work well in a Klingon friendly environment. This prejudice also extends to Ferengi, Green Women, Psychopathic Androids and amorphous red balls of energy.

4 - JARGON

Unless there's a course in Starfleet Bullshittery, I'd be as useless as Deanna Troi (see above). Seriously - everyone would be in the battleroom throwing out suggestions and I'd be the guy slowly eating his bagel hoping not to be asked.

Picard: Geordi? Any suggestions?
Geordi: We could try dumping the trans-fuel conduit. That would create a momentary solarus field - conceivably allowing our sensors extra range.
Picard: Interesting...Data?
Data: From what I've gathered, sir, the static-flux capacitator would provide coupling charge to enact such a maneuver.
Picard: Matthew?
Me: Uh....hey, anyone not using their holo deck minutes?

5- Strange Yet Boring Worlds

Oh...la dee dah...anyone eden-esque world where everyone talks with British accents. It would get to a point where I wouldn't even volunteer for away missions.

6- The Transporter
Nevermind the philosphical arguments about whether we have souls - I'm thinking about all the screw-ups that have been transporter related. Folks - this MUST be a perfected technology with even the slightest incident resulting in immediate non-use. Plus, I'd have to make sure never to piss of the engineer...which I'd likely do if he's Klingon.

7 - The Prime Directive

Oh...here's a great idea. Spend bazillions building starships so we can just hover above worlds twiddling our thumbs. What's the point? We're human beings - sticking our noses in our people's business is our greatest talent. I just wouldn't see the point. Also - I'd make a point of raising a stink whenever a commanding officer blatantly breaks the prime directive...which pretty much includes everytime it comes into question.

Alas - the future may be bright, but my role in it is very uncertain. Now as for being a Slider, Stargater, Intergalactic Bounty Hunter...there may be some promise.

Published on the Interweb Part#2 (And an Apology to Phil)

2007-02-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

Whoohoo! The second review is up and ready for the masses. While I didn't enjoy the game as much as Death Jr. 2, writing the review was a little more fun.

Check it out if you have a moment: http://wham.canoe.ca/handhelds/2007/02/13/3606856-ca.html

The gallery is of another game entirely, so it might have to be taken down and re-posted, so if it's not up, please hang up and try again.

As an aside, the canoe people = good people. And while that's a bit of ass kissing, it's also the truth. It's nice to be doing the freelance thing for a group of people who have a genuine interest in the industry. They're also fun - and that helps.

Also - apologies to Phil. Phil parked in my parking spot this month. It's the employee of the month parking spot and I now remember saying that he could use it. Of course, me being a jerk made a big deal - thus leading Phil to relocate to his less than ideal spot at the back of the lot.

I feel horrible. Now, I extend an open invitation to Phil to use my parking spot whenever I am carless.

Hockey Feedback Fantastico!

2007-02-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

Oh, fun...debate!
Who'd have thunk that the ole Hockey Rant would have stirred such feedback? Then again, it is hockey and well, we are obsessed. Oops, there I go again.
First of all, thanks to everyone who weighed in. I got some great emails and some equally entertaining comments - almost all of them intimating that I equated a non-love of hockey to being gay.
So first things first - this is not my belief - merely a reaction I've received personally when telling people I'm not that into hockey. Not from everyone, mind you, but at least from some. So it was a personal experience. More so, its a horrible stereotype and I'm sorry to have used it. Point of fact - I happen to think all guys who skate for 18 minutes a night get paid millions are gay. Kidding. kidding. Put down the torches.

Secondly, and most importantly, I do no hate hockey. I could care less, but I do not hate it. Nor would I pin canada's general apathy for all things non-hockey on the NHL. My sincerest (well, somewhat sincere) apologies if that came across.

Look, hockey's popular - and barring intense global warming, it will likely stay that way. What I am asking is to let loose our fanatical grasp on the game and expand our horizons. Just imagine what could be achieved if Canadians got behind other facets of Canadian culture with equal support and passion. Think of how much more we could contribute to the world if we stood behind our other talented exports as much as we do hockey.

I'm also concerned with the way we're portraying ourselves to the world. Hockey's dominance in all media and culture constantly re-enforces the stereotype that we're all beer swilling hockey watching hosiers who aren't so much engaged in world affairs as we are with the latest match between so-and-so and 'that team from the city I grew up in, therefore they're like family'.

It goes without saying that Canada has much more to offer than great stick handlers, and that's really my main fear; that if we don't start sharing our passion for the game with our other assets and talents, that we'll miss out on the attention we could be receiving from other equally important cultural highlights.

So how do we do this? That's a great question....

Pike87oil makes a great point about taking the fight for local arts and talent straight to the local and federal powers-that-be. I couldn't agree more. Sure he may not work for the best station in Red Deer, but its a valid point none-the- less. He also advocates getting out and actually showing support for local theatre or sports or, hell, whatever. I say - do it! Not only will you be shoving me off my soapbox, but you never know - you just may like what you see.
(p.s in my defense sir pikey, I've recently suffered through a local production of Scrooge - and had the chance to take the stage in a few productions up north. So I'm doing what I can, honest. Next stop, puppetry of the penis.)

And that's really all I'm saying - turn off the hockey - just try it. Watch little Mosque in the Prairie, Corner gas, Bill Strombo-whatshisface - get out to local theatres or comedy clubs - support other sports - get behind upcoming Canadian entertainers before they're forced to go American to become famous - likewise get interested in what Canada's doing on other fronts (i.e medical - did you know we might be the ones with the cure for cancer but since it's so dirt cheap to produce and sell, it won't make a profit and thus is having trouble getting picked up by big Pharma companies?).

In general - let's crack this Canadian egg open and release the love for everything we do.

On a less serious note, I didn't mean to say that those who loves hockey ignore their family, rob from the poor and/or eat babies. That said, if you had a choice between gold tickets at the Stanley Cup and your son/daughter/puppy's graduation, which would you choose?
If you had to think about this...well....I'm just saying...

So to recap - people who don't like hockey aren't gay. Hockey is not evil and Canada would do well to spread that riot-inducing mania elsewhere...for once.

Anyways - keep the feedback coming!

One Small Step for Matt, One Giant Leap for Mattkind

2007-02-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

I often imagine what the world would be like if everyone lived like me. Then I think - who would vacuum? And then I get scared.
For those wondering just how much of a leech they are to humanity, check out:
Your Ecological Footprint

Myself, it would take 6.8 earths to accomodate everyone living my lifestyle. There would also be about 11 trillion PS2's in circulation and manditory fondu dinners every monday, wednesday and friday.
Oh, and of course Jack Bauer would be president of the USPEWU (United Six Point Eight World Union).
Marijana would then be first lady - or the Secretary of Gettin' it On! Booyeah!
Me? I'd probably end up on the USPEWU payroll somehow.

Damn - there I go being creepy again.

How the Puck is Killing the Canuck

2007-02-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Man, we love our hockey don't we?

I mean...really love our hockey.

I mean - given the choice between disbanding the NHL and sacrificing our first born children, most Canadians would probably spending a good 10 minutes weighing their options.

Remember last year's playoffs? If you lived in Alberta I'm sure you do. Better yet, I'm confident that 3 Million Ontarians could have been killed in Canada's largest terrorist attack and that would be relegated on page 2, right after the front page spread about last night's game and right before the 5 page special Edmonton Oiler's pullout section.

Oh, and the riots...lest we forget the riots.

Do you know who benefitted from the NHL strike. Wives. And Children. I shit you not, there was an actual baby boom because hockey nuts had nothing better to do than pay attention to their families.

Relax - I'm not arguing that all hockey fans are violent or neglectfull - that's just the megafans. But hell, it seems that all I see are the mega-fans. You're either a hockey fan or people are wondering if you like to kiss boys.

P.S: I don't really care for the game and I'm very happy kissing my girl.

Long-winded rambling short: Canada is addicted to Hockey - so much so that I'm gonna come right out and say it - Hockey is killing us. Slowly, maybe, but killing us.

Killing us how? Well... culturally. You'd be remiss to think that we're very much different from the states. Our Television, movies, clothes, food, music - a huge chunk of everything we consume culturally (and, I guess physically) is American, but we cling to hockey above all else - like this one sport is the only thing that defines us.

Imagine if this same focus was given to improving our arts - improving our music or just generally retaining some of our top talent so that they don't have to go to the states just to get noticed. Sure, we're really good at staking claim in a Canadian once they've become big down south, but we'll be damned to give them to time of day(or funding) beforehand unless they know how to handle a stick.

And no, I'm not making this up. On a local level, I had a client who was trying to drum up support for Central Alberta's top figure skaters but wasn't making any headway because it had nothing to do with hockey and people were just, well, uninterested.

Mind you, that IS figure skating - so maybe it's a bad example.

Suffice to say - we're loosing good people because we just don't give a damn. I don't have the numbers, and I'd be happy to back down if someone did, but from talking to people for the freelance work, its a big problem.

An exaggeration? Probably. And I know Hockey isnt the problem - it's a great game and it brings us together. So what am I whining about? I guess it's that hockey isn't the only thing we can proud of, but we're running the risk of letting it overshadow everything else we have to offer.

So what can we do? Hells if I know. I'm open to suggestions. I'm certainly not calling for a mass arena burning. And hockey will never go away, nor do I want it too. I'm just saying we should broaden our horizons a bit before we go too overboard.

Life on Speed

2007-02-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should reconsider that title.
Meh.
First of all - thanks for all those who came out of hiding to leave a comment. Especially Ontarians who seem to be in a 1 month delay.
Secondly, It's been a craptacularly busy week - which unfortunately means less writing for fun and more writing for 'the man'.
That said, there's always enough time for Links!

1- Very funny video. Interesting to start, hilarious at the end. SPIDERS ON DRUGS
2- Not a link, but a picture - if you can look at this following picture and not feel anything, then you, good sir, have no soul.

In a semi-related update - we've had to tape the front entrance to meatwad's cage after her great escape a couple months ago. Now she's wailing away on the door to no avail - one day hoping for freedom when, unbeknownst to her, outside forces have made it impossible to ever escape. Thank you, meatwad, for teaching me a little about life and a whole lot about love. sniff.

The Missing Fact

2007-02-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Fact 51 - Apparantly I don't follow through when I promise 51 facts.

51st Post Extravaganza!

2007-02-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

This was my favorite 'celebration' image from google. Go Italy!

Sigh. 51 posts later and it just feels like yesterday that I was setting this ole Blogger up. Since then, readership has gone up nearly 400% (from my mom to 4 other people). Oh the memories.

To say I borrowed the following idea would be misleading. I outright stole it.
But it's fun, so I thought you wouldn't mind.

So without further rambling - 51 Random Thoughts/Facts/Half-Truths about Me

1 - I was born on November 15th 1981 to Rob and Deanna with an egg head. Those professionals at the hospital squished my head with forceps and I was in rough shape for a couple days. Since then, my head feels like the moon - craters and all.
2- My middle names are Ian and Robert - both my grandfathers
3- When I was very young, I got stuck behind the coke machine at the local convenience store. Since then, I've learned to just walk away.
4- In the fickle discussion on abortion, I am pro choice.
5- In the fickle discussion on potato chips - I'm a salt and vinegar man (sometimes combined with smokey barbecue)
6- I swear I saw a UFO on my 11th Halloween.
7- I had a dog for approxiamately 5 months. His name was Max. My parents got him for me while i was still in gradeschool after years of subtle hinting. Seems I liked the idea of a dog and not so much the work that came with it. I've since tried harder with all my pets.
8 - On that subject, my first Hamster, Budster, is buried behind the pool at my parent's house. I promised to buy him a shrub - a promise my Dad continues to remind me about. I'm a horrible, horrible person.
9 - Three hamsters have graced my life - Budster, Frodo and Meatwad. Budster died 2 times. The first time, my mom tapped his chest and gave him mini-cpr. He lived for 2 hours more.
10 - My favorite meal is fondu - nothing compares. Nothing
11 - My favorite beer is Kokanee and Stilmore. Price heavily affects this decision (which is why my favorite beer was the dollar stuff in highschool)
12 - The first time I ever got drunk was when I was 16 and it was on Mike's Hard Lemonade. Of course, I felt guilty and mom and pop soon found out (coming home in a new shirt probably tipped them off).
13- I was on to Rammstein before anyone else.
14-I have a lucky toque that's been with me multiple times in Vegas, on the highest mountain in Europe, the back alleys of Amsterdam and the shady burroughs of High River. I have yet to wash this toque so I can only assume that I'm carrying a gazillion strains of the bird flu virus. Or something.
15- I'm a video game enthusiast - but moreso I'm a videogame industry enthusiast.
16- I currently freelancing for trade magazines concerning everything from relocation issues, to nursing, trucking and ontario's construction industry. Go ahead - ask me about the trade shortage. I dare you.
17- I've begun writing again for videogame websites. For free. But free games!
18 - My first job ever was delivering papers. Followed by delivering flyers. Then McDonalds's, Subway for a week (they didn't pay me), Tim Hortons, Microplay, IGA, A&W, Roger's Video, NIght shift at a retirement home, landscaper, some telephone survey place, Nelvana, children's television researcher, Waiter at the Firehall, Sam the Record Man, Camp Director at the YMCA, Video Instructor at Imagination Works Day Camp - and a few others that lasted a month.
19 - I hate olives
20 - Marijana believes I look like Dean Cain with my classes. I've been told this by other sources.
21 - I have never appeared in 'Lois and Clark'
22 - Last year I played Tito, a 40 year old Italian Opera Singer in the Peace River Player's production of 'Lend Me a Tenor' (produced by Mr. Chris Black)
23 - I will be attending the Athabasca Fringe Festival with Mr.Black and two other folks in our newly formed comedy troupe.
24- My degree is a Bachelor of Radio and Television Arts from Ryerson University
25- During this 4 year stint, I had the opportunity to write for Ed the Sock (he guest hosted a project of ours). I say that, but Ed chose to instead bash me as part of his gag. I am still in therapy.
26 - I have a growing dislike for comedy that relies on vulgarity. It's been done to death and nothing surprises me anymore.
27 - I can't watch really gory movies anymore.
28 - I have too many favorite movies to mention. It used to be just one - the Matrix - until they slaughtered the franchise. I had all the action figures. Sigh.
29 - My favorite TV Shows are 24, Heroes, Lost, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, the Apprentice, the Office, Arrested Development and, just recently, Buffy and the Wire.
30 - I read about 5 books at a time - right now they are Stardust (thanks Darren), Shadow of the Hegemon, Haunted (Chuck Paliniuk), Cell (Stephen King) and the Art of Meditation. Ironically, I have zero time or patience to continue reading the latter.
31 - I have never killed anyone. But I've thought of it - and i'm pretty sure I could get away with it.
32 - I believe the US is going crazy and that I better start learning the American Anthem for when they decide that they want our water.
33 - I believe that people are too polarized about the war in Iraq and that for any real progress to happen, we have to get down off our soapboxes and really take a look at what's going on.
34 - I vote PC, but last year I voted independent because PC scared me.
35 - I hate the word 'retarded' on so many levels. It's a nasty nasty word.
36 - I believe that there is a HUGE double standard when it comes to racial sensitivity. I can watch a black comedian say 'nigger' until he's blue in the face and be heralded as a genius, and yet similar uses in comedy by white comedians bring on accusations of bigotry and hate. Yes, there is a difference - but we cannot villify a word if its also become so overused and accepted in all forms of culture (music, tv, film, etc). Instead, I say get rid of it. It's a horrible word with a horrible past and all it does is break us off into little angry cliques.
37 - I believe that to say you are tolerant of homosexuality is akin to saying 'yeah, they're there, I guess I'll accept them'. People need to just 'be' with homosexuality. It's real, it's here and its a fact - not something that has to be voted in or adopted into culture.
38 - That said, I am happily moved in and in a serious relationship with the Croatian Sensation - Marijana. Sorry guys.
39 - I love talk radio more than music.
40 - I once wanted to be a detective. Then I wanted to be an actor. Now I want to be a husband and dad with a good writing job.
41 - I am not a dad. I think. I should write some people. Ha! Just kidding MJ! (tugs collar)
42 - I think Canadians are too wrapped up in Hockey. WAY too wrapped up in hockey. I mean - there could be a nuclear war and our angle in all our news would be how the NHL games were delayed. I think too many talented people are forced to head state side for money/fame just because they don't pick up a hockey stick. Screw it - I'm writing a post about this.
43 - On the same subject - I think Canada has to find a better identity than 'we're not the States'. We have a great Country with great people - but we eat, sleep, watch, listen and play in American culture too much to take the high road and call ourselves different. Argue all you want, but take a good luck at what makes up your day and ask yourself how much of that would exist without the states.
44 - I play devil's advocate too much and i know it. Though, my dad's a better devil's advocate than me.
45 - I'm an only child and was never that rebellious.
46 - My parents are still married and are an inspiration
47 - I just realized I have many more things to say
48 - I miss my friends back home but know that when I see them again and it will be like I never left.
49 - The smell of popcorn makes it hard for me to breathe
50 - And .... uhhh .... I can shoot air out of the corner of my eyeball.

Man - that took too long. Thanks for staying!

50th Post Spectacular Prelude

2007-01-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

Get ready for it kids, it's gonna be big!
It's also going to be an idea directly ripped off from attenion whore (see side link).
Oh, and it'll technically be the 51st Post. Damnit.

Just a few thoughts:
a) By my own fault, my 24 mini-obsession has become well known. And a bit creepy. Here's an unofficial declaration that I will consciously try to limit the Jack Bauer mentions. Actually, screw that, this is MY friggin blog.
b) Did you know that it is now more financially viable to farm gold for World Of Warcraft than it is to farm rice? Now you know...and now you're as scared for the future as I am.
c) I see that many people are visiting. Say hello! And to the few who comment, thank you for filling that need for commenting in my life. I will remember you.

Otherwise, stay tuned for the not-so-original 51st Post Extravaganza!

My Dream Wedding

2007-01-26T07:26:00.000-08:00

Couldn't help but posting these (albeit they're tiny since I'm not paying extra to get them ordered).

Ma and Pa Bradford made their trip to and renewed their vows via the memphis man himself. Yes, Elvis (re) married my parents. Yup - still fun after all these years. I can only hope to repeat this years later (if Elvis is still alive).

Even better - I wonder if Jack Bauer will be marrying people in the future. That'd be awesome - imagine: 24 minutes to get married. A fake explosion. Satellite imagery for photos. A bunch of desks in the corner with computer genuises coordinating the entire ceremony. And just in the middle of me saying my vows Jack Bauer would smash into the church and take a hostage (preferrably a younger family member) and threatens to shoot them if I don't tell him where *insert terrorist* is hiding. Then said terrorist will pop out of a secret nook in the altar and run down the aisle. Jack would pull one of his patended superman karate moves and kill the guy in one jaw-breaking kick to the face.

We'd all applaud. I'd finish my vows.

Sniff....weddings are such beautiful things.

Oh - one last with ma and pa. Look closely! Congratulations!

Conscious...just barely

2007-01-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sweet jebus I'm tired.
I don't want mean to bitch and moan, but man I could use a nap.
It's my fault. MJ started her new morning shift which has her going to bed at 9pm and waking at 3:30am. So instead of going to bed earlier (so as to offset the 3:30am alarm wake-up), I'm doing nothing different. Which...apparantly, isn't working.
Long story short...I'm here...but just barely. That last cup of ass (.25$ office coffee) helped, but otherwise I'm in a daze.
Oh...and that wasn't a typo. We have to pay for coffee at our office. Tweedle-facking-dee.
So - thanks for coming - I'll drop a few links for your time. And yeah, I'll attempt to make them non-game related. Maybe.

The first is a nifty companion to watching 24. It's one guy's opinion (Aaron, methinks), but still a nice nod to the series: Check it out - Character Countdown

The second is an amazingly nifty/uber nerdy recreation of Star Wars using hands. I'm pretty sure that's not the only thing these people re-create using their hands. ZING!
Check it out: Hand Wars

And finally, for mr. Anonymous who complained about lack of 'space' coverage - cool images from space! See them by clicking this fancy link

That's it. Go home!

World of Warcraft and the Cure for Cancer

2007-01-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

Slowly and surely, WoW is taking over the world. I'm reminded of that Star Trek episode where everyone returns from a planet wearing this weird eye-thing that allowed them to play some kind of "disc in pipe" game 24/7. Of course, this meant zero productivity around the Enterprise and it took do-gooder Wesley to play the ultimate buzz-kill and disconnect the crew. Jerk.

Anyways - I'm reminded of this because 0.1% percent of the human population plays WoW. That's not that much when you consider that 2% of the population probably also rented The Devil Wears Prada, but that's a sizeable chunk of human beings regardless.

So I got to thinking - how can society make use of that untapped potential? WoW has already proven that someone will spend an entire year of his life to acquire some digital moose-horns or to get virtual laid - so why not use that same blind devotion for good?

What if, to become some kind of grand overlord +89 Fire Elf (or something), you needed to cure cancer? Provide a workable solution to world hunger? Raise money for the United Way? Hell - these people are paying a little penny to subscribe, what if they could buy a virtual donation pin. Everyone knows that Level 70 Orc Priestess Chicks dig guys who donate. Am I wrong?

It seems to me that our best shot of collaborting is happening right now in the dungeons and villages of WoW. Obsessed or not, these 8+ million players LOVE goals and LOVE parading their success. I say - use it!

The revolution begins! Press start.

Published on the Interweb!

2007-01-17T07:07:00.001-08:00

It's true - and it took virtually zero bribes to make it happen!
Thanks to the fine folks at Canoe's Wham! Gaming (yes, that was a plug), I've been given a chance to flex my video game journalism muscle(s?).
For how long, who knows, but I'm told another game is in the mail, so here's hoping for a repeat performance.
Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.

Anyways, you can read the review here: http://wham.canoe.ca/
Or, for a more direct approach: Click Here

For Your Linking Pleasure...

2007-01-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

Two really interesting links to highlight today - one really important and one just kind of funny (in a doctors killing thousands of people kind of way).

First up - I'll let the article speak for itself, but I'm always overjoyed when someone actually plays a controversial game before simply caving to public opinion. In this case, Clive Thompson over at Wired sat down with the uber touchy Columbine RPG and , well, you'll see.
As a quick rundown: the Columbine RPG follows the events of the Columbine massacre, putting the player in control of the pyschotic Erik and co. A knee-jerk reaction would be reactions of disgust at even the thought of such a game, but it's evident by now that it wasn't created to entertain, but to make a point.
Since its release, the game has been nominated (and subsequently banned) for an award and generally shot down for its apparant poor taste.
Anyways - have a read and make up your own mind. I'd just like to put it out there (again) that the gaming public eats up war simulations and other games based on atrocities, so why exactly are people crying outrage at this?
http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,72491-0.html

Secondly, and less serious (well...I guess not really) is this little ditty about doctor's killing people with bad writing. And I thought I was the only one! Ba-doom ching!
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1578074,00.html

That's all for now folks.

A 24 Preview, Small Furry Things and MJ's New Shift

2007-01-14T15:10:00.001-08:00

I had a few things to run though and zero desire to separate them into individual posts.

1) 24. Fox had a stroke of genius and released the first 4 episodes of the new season before it even aired. Needless say, I smacked down my 10 bucks faster than you can say 'PUT DOWN THE GUN!' .
For those of you less fortunate who still have to 'wait for cable tv', I won't spoil too much. Suffice to say, Chloe re-positions a satellite against orders (yay me!), a crap load of people die, Jack tears out a jugular with his bare teeth, thwarts a terrorist attack and changes clothes two times....in the first two episodes! Yes, it did move. Sorry MJ.

2) A funny story - two nights ago, Marijana awoke to something small and furry crawling across her legs. Later, she would say that she thought it was me (for other reasons than the obvious), but it turns out our hamster Meatwad had not only escaped, but had survived the fall from the cage, the trip through the kitchen and the climb into bed. We weren't angry - we were impressed. We also felt horrible for putting her back after all the effort it must have took. Of course, being a hamster, it couldn't really show us its pure hatred, but we hope she understood.

3) MJ begins her shift as morning anchor at her station. You can listen to her every hour on the hour from 5am - 12 Noon. That is ... if you live in Red Deer. Otherwise, I'll see about getting her to type up transcripts.

24: The Drinking Game

2007-01-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

Admittidly, I was a little late climbing aboard the 24 train. I hopped on two seasons in and after 2 week's of DVD marathons I was not only addicted, but I was madly in man-love with Jack Bauer.

Last year, Marijana came across my hidden Jack Bauer magazines and downloaded movies. It was an awkward conversation, but now she's learning to accept - nay - foster my obsession with the man who doesn't sleep. Ever. Not even for like 15 minutes in a car.

So, in celebration of season 6 (starting this weekend on Fox, check your local listings), it's time to break out the spiced rum and fruit juice (and/or manly beer) and play along...

Take 1 Drink Everytime Jack Bauer disobeys a direct order

Take 1 Drink Everytime he's forgiven by superiors mere hours later

Take 2 Drinks Everytime Chloe begrudginly re-aligns a satellite or hacks into a protected database for Jack (thereby disobeying a direct order)

Take a long sip Everytime a hard drive is recovered that must immediately be cracked only to discover that it has been heavily encrypted and will therefore be unbreakable until minutes before the information on said hard drive is needed.

Take 1 Shot Everytime Chloe groans, frowns, pouts or otherwise shows disdain

Take an Entire Drink Everytime the CTU head-honcho dies or is replaced

Take a tiny tiny sip For every person (terrorist or otherwise) who gets shot

Take a hard shot Everytime you ask yourself: "Doesn't anyone sleep, eat or crap in this organization??"

Drink straight from the bottle Everytime Jack says something to the effect of "DROP YOUR GUN, DROP THE GODDAMN GUN!"

Take a cold drink Everytime Jack's emo daughter Kim is shoe-horned in for a guest appearance.

Shotgun a Beer Everytime a major character bites it

Chug Everytime Jack has to make a hard moral decision that will, ultimately, benefit the many while sacrificing the few because, man, that's what it takes in the real world. Conviction! You can't limp in to a terrorist negotiation, you have to seize power right from the start and show those motherfuckers that you aint fucking you around - and if that means beheading a witness? Well...shit...then that's what has to happen. It's life, man - and life's unfair. You think Jack wants to keep saving your sorry asses? No...but he has to. He has to for his wife, Kim and all the people that have died so you can walk down the street without fear of suitcase bombs and radiation. So just back off, man! Back off! You want a hero? He's right in front of you and he's begging you to PUT THE GUN DOWN!

Enjoy responsibly.

An Open Letter to Sirius Satellite Radio

2007-01-08T13:28:00.001-08:00

Dear Sirius Satellite Radio.

Vagina. Cock. Titties. See? I can be uncensored too. Kind of fun, eh? In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and insert those three words every second sentance in case you forgot how 'uncensored' and trendy I am.
Shit. Fuck. Cock. Man I'm like the Flavor Flave of white guys!
Anyways, just writing to say hello. I'm not actually paying for your service yet as I received it free for 6 months, but believe me when I say that I'll be lining up to pay money once my free preview is over. What was that again? 150$ set up and 15 bucks a month? Sign me up! Hey - when are you packaging air? Can I get on the short list?
Anus. Nipples.
You know one of the main things I hated about regular radio? The lack of discussion on blowjobs and anal sex. So imagine my surprise when these VERY issues were being discussed on virtually every channel (save for the Disney Channel). What's more, no matter which of your 'speciality' channels I'm on, I can always rely that the discussion will inevitably turn to sex and/or blantant homophobia and racism. Suggestion: perhaps you could better market yourselves as 'Howard Stern Sirius Radio: 200 Channels of Everyone trying to be Howard Stern'. Maybe that title's too long? Just a thought.
Quick question - why place the absolutely crude adult humor one channel away from the family humor? I'll answer that - because you guys are genius.
Cock. Poo. Herpes.
I do have one problem though. I seem to be getting unwanted interference At various 'breaks', I will hear commercials or 60 second long promos instead of non-stop laughery and today's #1 hits. Perhaps I should buy an upgrade? I'm totally down with commercial free radio - of course, as long as there aren't any pre-recorded sponsor-paid advertisements. Which they're aren't....right? Must be a hardware thing.
Oh - and your songs are stuck on loop. Again - might be my system.
Otherwise, guys, keep up the good work. Before you I just downloaded podcasts for free. Now I can listen to them on an always-changing schedule.
It's a brave new world.
Siriusly.

I (heart) you,
Matt Bradford

Link Lot #3 Bride of Linkzilla

2007-01-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

Upcoming posts include a review of Sirius Radio (hint: includes needless swear words and repetitive references to blow jobs) and TV Chicks That Could Kick My Ass.
In the meantime, please enjoy the following:

First up - more proof that mother nature is a stone cold bitch. Also, why I'll never again have a snail as a pet...or zombie maggots (A good blog to boot).
http://michaelcastellon.blogspot.com/2007/01/parasitc-worms-attack-snails-create.html

Second up - a whack-load of old system games you can play right in your browser. Not to be used during work ... of course.
http://www.game-oldies.com/games-boxes-NES-m.htm

Third up - Hiro from Heroes (arguably the best character on the show) on Jay Leno. Special points for the Dick in a Box reference.
http://www.fangasm.com/01television/heroes/heroes-masi-oka-from-leno.php

And finally - a collection of mini (and true) ghost stories for the paranormal geek - on the go!
http://paranormal.about.com/library/blstories06.htm

Marketing - Bradford Stylz

2007-01-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

I just noticed that someone came to my blog after searching for the 'Bradford Exchange' on google. Whether he (quite possibly she) stayed long enough to realize their horrible, horrible mistake, I don't know.
But it did give me an idea.
In the spirit of viral/bad marketing, I'm planting the following popular search phrases with hopes of luring unsuspecting webizens:

Porn. Teens. Hot. Lost theories. 911 Conspiracies. Bush. Brittney Spears' nethers. Paris Hilton. Cute puppies. Kittens. Free kittens. How to cook kittens. Dieting. Top 10 of 2007. Worst 10 of 2007. Mel Gibson. Iraq. XBOX360. PS3 sucks. Wii. More Porn. Schoolgirls. Family guy. Grey's Anatomy. The. Earth. Random. Hockey. Baseball. Curling. Golf. Cookies. Superman. Batman. Spiderman 3. Heroes. 24. New Trailer. Teaser trailer. Busty porn. Resolutions. Misguided Blogs. Love. Hate. Apathy. More porn than you can download.

I think that covers it...let the flood begin!

Is 'Dick In the Box' the new 'Cowbell'?

2007-01-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

A fleeting flash of genius or the next great quotable SNL skit?

Well, with both my parents and my grandparents singing 'Dick in a Box' last week, I'm inclined to think the latter. Since posting the link (and subsequently emailing it on a whim to random contacts), it seems that Dick Fever has spread like wild fire.

Wait...let me explain.

If you haven't seen SNL Mock-video, scroll down a couple entries and thank me later.

If you have, then you may know what I mean when I say that this little gem may very well be the new 'Cowbell' sketch. No, I'm serious. I feel like I'm backstabbing an old friend but damnit, it just might be true.

(ps: If you haven't seen the cowbell sketch, well friend, its been good but I think we should see other people.)

But how can I be so sure? Well...I can't. But here's a purely unscientific comparison:

Mock Factor

Cowbell: Took a shot at my Dad's kind of music

DIAB: Took a shot at my Mom's type of music.

Winner: Dick in a Box (sorry mom)

Use of SNL Actors

Cowbell: Self defacing comic genius Will Ferrill (sp?)

DIAB: Up and coming guy ... you know - he did that funny Lettuce Short.

Winner: Cowbell

Use of Celebrity

Cowbell: Christopher Walkin's stop/start acting style has always been accidently entertaining. Add to that a few pauses and offstage glances and you have classic Walkin.

DIAB: Dirty Popper Justin Timberlake taking on his own genre of music? Priceless. Sporting a pimp-stache? Pricelesser. Yeah, I went there.

Winner: Tie

Best Usage of a Dick in a carrying Compartment

Cowbell: N/A

DIAB: Abundent

Winner: Dick in a Box

Clearly, science comes through. And while I've always been a gigantic supporter of Cowbell, I can't avoid the simple facts.

So sing with me now....step 1, cut a hole in the box....

2007: A Year In Preview

2007-01-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

Well...its good to be back. I'm full of family home cooking and rest and ready to roll for another year.
Stay tuned in the next few days for PhotoRama 2007, a multi-part expose of the last three months as captured by my handy collection of disposable cameras.
Also stay tuned for more "Matt and MJ" restaurant reviews and a special tribute to my new favorite SNL sketch of all time.
Until then, a brief rundown of thanks to the following:

Mom and Dad: For another great Christmas, copious amounts of free alcohol, more food than I could ever hope to process this month and making home feel like I haven't left. Save for the million or so birds.
Marijana: For making Red Deer a great place to come back to and for my new Bowie Bear.
Steve and Maree: For helping me shop last minute, for the super-classy Egyptian art and Steve, for winning more money than me at the casino and letting me get away with not pitching in for gas. Oh - and for being an awesome friend.
Mike, Megan and the Dinner Crew: In the category of awesome friends, special thanks to Mike, Megan and other attendants at last thursdays dinner. This thanks also includes thanks for the Hookah pipe and episodes of Arrested Development.
Shea, Ricky, Larry and Smitty: For taking my money - Larry especially for introducing a game that has nothing to do with strategy and left me broke in a matter of minutes. Damn you Post. DAMN YOU.
Shawn and George: For lunch and a quick visit. Always great seeing you guys.
The Folks at the Office: For covering my work (at least, so I'm assuming).
All the Rest Reading This: For coming back! Tell your friends!

Well...I promise something good to read shortly. Until then, Happy 2007.

Matt

This is the End My Friends

2006-12-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

...of 2006 anyways.
That is, unless I do have enough spare time to do a post over the holidays, this will likely be my last post until 2007.
I'm also attempting to shop tonight and there's a very good chance I may end up mangled in a parkling lot, underneath a shopping cart or in a jail cell. Bets anyone?
Anyways - to those I'm seeing in Ontario - I can't wait.
To those I leave behind in Alberta - see you soon.
To each and everyone - all the best and thanks tons for dropping by.
See you in the New Year...or, if I get bored, about a couple days from now.

A Present From Me to You

2006-12-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

Please....enjoy

Matt'sChristmasPresenttoYou

On a Better Note

2006-12-18T07:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
So you read the blog eh? Yeah...look, I didn't want to leave things on a sour note. Yeah, it may appear as though have a thing against Christmas shopping - but I'm also edgy about pretty much all other days of shopping (minus free shopping), so lets just mark it all down as a general distaste for crowds.
How's the misses? Still rocking?
Either way, I'm hoping you still drop by. And, in the spirit of covering my ass, I thought I'd post the Twelve Things I Love About Christmas.
If this doesn't work, I'll just leave the regular envelope by the cookies. Jerk.

The Snow: I've always been a winter person. Maybe I was a black bear in a previous life (see past post). Either way, seeing the ole white outside almost always gets me in the season. I suggested to MJ that we make a snowman outside our lawn with the sign: Will Give Snowjob for Food. She's down with it. Look for him in January.
The Random Bands: Apparantly there are stockades of people with instruments hidden in a bunker somewhere who reveal themselves around this time and use every public space to play. And as a closet classical music listener, I like to secretly hum along.
That Random Nice Guy: You know... him.
Stockings: Pretty much the best part of Christmas. Stockings are great because they consist of everything you have to buy for yourself but HATE buying for yourself (deoderant, socks, jock itch powder, bubble gum, etc.)
Tequila: Because all Bradford holidays are marked with tequila shots. It's just that some Bradford friends can't always handle that tradition and pass out at 9pm *ahemSTEVEahem*
Cards from Random People You Haven't Talked to All Year: pretty self-explanitory
A Sudden Slowdown of work: I'm probably jinxing myself with this one.
TV Christmas Specials: Especially because they're now being made by creators who are jaded with the uber sweet Christmas specials of years past. See Office.
Christmas Lights: Cheap and stimulating.
Gifts: Yeah - so I still like gifts but not the actual shopping for them. I never promised to be consistent.
Time Off: With most of the Bradford clan a few thousand kilometres away, Christmas affords me a couple days at least to remind them what I look like. And to also remind them that I work with radio so when I pass around the hat, I don't get any attitude.
Christmas Dinner: Despite the one time Momma Bradford left the cooking pins in (also a time she hates being reminded of), Christmas dinners are pretty much the penultimate dinners.

Thanks big guy,
(heart) Matt

The Joys of Christmas Consumerism

2006-12-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

That's it. I'm done - outstanding Christmas shopping be damned. If I do manage to break through the gathering hordes this year, it will be the last time I do. Next year, everyone I know better be happy with things I find on ebay and/or homemade devices I can fashion together with items from my apartment.

They say (well, someone said) that 1 out of 4 men leave shopping until the very last minute. The same source (again - I forget) also says that 1 out of 6 men would also like to do away with Christmas Shopping all together. And really, can you friggin' blame them?

Sure our evolutionary history may dictate that males are the hunter gatherers (relax, it's science)- but I assure you this genetic pre-disposition wouldn't have lasted long if there were Wal-Marts back in prehistoric times. I can guarantee you that if they were, males would have developed the art of gift certificates long before modern man.

Frig. I hate christmas shopping. So, as a public service, I offer these gentle reminders:

A Shopping Carts Is NOT Personal Luggage: They are also not portable cribs, battering rams or place holders. This is one instance where the name does not beget it's ultimate purpose. Yes, they are carts for shopping - but its purposes should be limited to food and/or large items. Malls are crowded enough without having to play frogger everytime one wishes to cross an aisle, head to the washroom or line up for chinese food.

There are other people in the immediate area: And yes, they would like to also shop in this are too ... if that's alright with you. No? Going to be here awhile? Please, let me step over your seven children and your collection of bags. Fancy that, we bumped into one another! Oops! I'm very sorry to have invaded your personal space - which apparantly now encompasses the entire stationary section of Hallmark.

We're Not Happy to Be Here Either: This one goes to you, sour-faced 16 year employee who was called in to work extra shifts at Sears. Believe me when I say that no one on either end of the chaos enjoys the Christmas Shopping experience so when we ask you for a little help or more information, we're not doing it to add fodder for your angst-ridden rants to your goth friends - we're doing it so we can get the hell out dodge and enjoy a heavily laced litre of nog.

However, there are other people in the line: That is, if you do need that little extra help or information, please - for the benefit of the 30 people behind you - ensure that you've done at least a little leg work before asking. None of us are experts, but if you're asking about prices on the display to DIRECT LEFT OF YOUR PERSON, then understand that you deserve the sarcasm and/or eye rolling that will ensue. Similarly - do your homework. A list is ideal...so too is an inkling of a clue as to what you're after. Understand that everyone is in a hurry to escape and by hitting up the teller for information on 'what's good for kids' this christmas, you're guaranteed to win the ire and possible car-keying of those with actual physical purchases behind you.

Extended Warranties are the Devil's Tool: Dear electronic stores - we're on to you. We've watched 60 minutes and we have at least some understanding of the internet. Therefore, we're smarter and we're cheaper. So - if we say no to your 90 year all-inclusive extended warranty (which may or may not cover damage), then accept your defeat and move on. That crap may have worked last Christmas, but we're not as willing to dole out 300 more dollars on a guarantee that SHOULD HAVE BE OFFERED INITIALLY.

Ok. That's it - please feel free to join the revolution and add any further tips. Meanwhile, I'll be boarding up my windows and avoiding human contact until Valentine's Day.

The Numbers Are In

2006-12-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm watching you - or at least pie graphs representing you.
Having just installed a counter into the blog I now know a few things:

9 People visited in the 4 hours since the last post
0 Comments were made
100% Of visiters did not comment.
1 Man-child cried in the employee washroom. (hint: me)
5 Puppies will meet their grisly end if this trend continues.

Science!

The 31st Post Spectacular: Past, Present and Beyond

2006-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

Long long ago in a radio station far far away I had a blog. Some people read it. Most didn't (read: people not my mom or co-workers).

Long story short, I abandoned said blog to the dark catacombs of GothsIndyBandsandPredatorsonline.com never to visit it again. Until Now.

Last December I bought MJ a hamster for Christmas (who now lives with both of us). Her name is Meatwad - and you get bonus points if you know where that's from.

Another long story short, I wrote an entry about purchasing a hamster and it wasn't actually too crappy. So - in the spirit of celebrating my 31 Postaversary, here it is:

*Oh, and I now have a counter for this blog. which was the main point of this post - But I wanted to actually add some content.

originally posted January'06

Buying a Hamster. Not the quick shop and go experience as I expected when I first suggested getting my ladyfriend a Hamster. As a guy, the idea of a hamster for Christmas was ideal because a) I wanted a Hamster anyways, so this way I get the joys of playing with a Hamster without the nasty business of cleaning or feeding (relax, this isn’t how I feel about kids) and b) they're cute…and cute gifts win big! But alas … buying a Hamster? Not so easy.

AVAILABILITY: This may be a Peace River problem only since Malls typically close around 6 pm which is, of course, perfect for 85% of the population who work until 5 pm and then eat. By perfect of course I mean horribly inconvenient. Hence, lesson One: Plan Ahead.

COST: There’s a popular theory about fish that it costs more to let them die than to feed them. After stocking up on wood chips, treats and food I’m tempted to extend this theory to Hamsters. Though… I won’t….because I would risk loosing those cute points by evening mentioning it. Let's put it this way..a hamster costs 9.99….food costs about 20 bucks a month and that’s if you're mean and don’t buy any treats. So … yeah … you make your own decision … just don’t let me know about it.

CHOOSING A CAGE: The Hamster Industry is catching on to the Hamster trend…which means that you can expect to shell out at least 50 bucks for a decent cage. And these aren’t the cages of 10 years ago, my friend, these are the decorative, colored plastic tube utopians of the future. I wish my room looked like these things. Anyways, so these are built on the premise that your hamster will be mini acrobats…which they will be until they get fat at around month 4. Then all those fancy tubes just equal pooping dens and clogged up memories of the agile hamster you once had. My advice…go middle of the road so at least when your hamster gets fat he/she wont be reminded of their prime on a daily basis (just like that chin-up bar I still have hanging around).

CHOOSING A HAMSTER: Luckily we had a whopping three to chose from. But they were three different kinds. Understand this…no matter what you pick, they’ll all eventually look like one big lump of fur lying in the corner of the cage. And you can’t pick based on smarts or how well it seems they recognize you…they don’t. Here’s a quick look into a Hamster’s mind “Food? Food? … Food? Poop … Food?”That said…Teddy Bear Hamsters are cutest. But you can’t really go wrong. If you subscribe to the ‘Hamster Cost Analysis Theory’ above, then you can chose a different one every week! But again, don’t let me know about it.

TAKING IT HOME: Fortunately most pet stores provide a steel enforced carriage device to take your hamster home in. And by this I mean a cardboard box which serves to stir your new pet into a state of frenzy. We made the smart decision of bringing it home first and then buying dinner. Even still, it bit Marijana and had a good go at my toe. Lets just say we initiated a little eye for eye justice. Try climbing now biatch! Otherwise it's best if you assemble the cage and get it in as soon as possible. Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t feel particularly playful after being ripped from its home, transported in darkness and thrust into a colorful tube utopian it will soon recognize as the last place it will ever live.

NAMING YOUR HAMSTER: A friend of ours made a good point…that you should name a pet after you see it. The rebels we were, we named it before. Hence: Meatwad. You may know the name from the popular Aqua Teen Hunger force show…which was the genisis of the Hamster idea in the first place. For all you other creatively challenged people, I’ll make it simple. Think of the first three ultra cute fat-related names and them immediately abandon them. Also, name it something you won’t regret years down the road. My last hamster was named Frodo. Frodo died in his sleep , but I’m told his dying words were ‘thanks for naming me Frodo, nerd.” Alas, we buried Frodo in the front yard where a lonely golf ball and food dish mark his remains.Just as a side note: I recently learned that Hamsters sometimes hibernate. In which case, I sincerely hope Frodo was actually dead.

That’s about it. Good luck and happy hunting. For all my sarcasm, hamsters are pretty much the perfect low maintenance pet for most students, children, and radio employees … aka the mentally and financial challenged.

All Good TV Things Must End

2006-12-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

It's always been kind of a love/hate thing with me and Series Finales.
For one; they're almost always bittersweet. When I love a show, I love a show. And If I've cared enough to follow a show straight until its natural end (which, these days, is rare), I'm always a bit hesitant about seeing it fade off into re-run heaven.
On the other hand, if a show has run past its prime, then I'd rather see it end on a high instead of watching an X-File-ish descent into sheer old-age madness.
Then there's the issue of closure. That is - how the hell do you wrap up a long-running show while pleasing its entire audience? You can't. So again - love/hate.

This weekend, I had the immense pleasure of finishing Six Feet Under. But more on that later. While renewing my hope for great TV, it also got me thinking about other Series Finales I've seen and how they've either changed or enhanced my feelings on their respective shows.

So...if you care, a little review. Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

X-FILES
Show Plot: Scully's pregnant, then she's not. Then she is. Mulder's dead. Then he isn't. Then he is. Aliens are here. Then they aren't - then they might be back. Scully and Mulder leave. Come back. Rinse. Repeat.
Finale Plot: After multiple years of having the same argument, Scully and Mulder finally get to the bottom of the alien invasion and their love/more-than-friend feelings for each other. Oh, and Cancer man is alive...wtf?
Series Finale: Sarcasm aside, the X-Files were my first true plunge into TV Geekdome. I remember calling home in University just to hum the opening intro with my mom. No, I did not have a girlfriend at the time...why? Either way, after about 1 movie and three seasons too many, the show had jumped its last shark and was finally ending. Now...up until the end, the entire series had led up to some mysterious and uber-complicated alien conspiracy. That and an often-baffling love affair between the two main leads (something the creator swore would never happen). Needless to say, expectations for the 2 hour finale were high. And they remained high until the last 10 minutes when the alien invasion kinda semi-began. huh? HUH? Almost nine years of teasing for...an open-ended closing? No. This shit may fly with other shows, but X-Files needed closure. Until this day, I still think FOX misplaced the last 10 hours of the final season. I'll still love the X-Files, but I'll always shake my fist when I think of what could have been.
Rating: 2 flip-flopping plots out of 5

ANGEL
Plot: Angel (of Buffy Fame) wrangles up his own army of do-gooders to take on do-badders.
Finale Plot: Angel and his team make one last desperate plight to rid the world of ultimate evil from inside the bowels of the beast (aka a law firm).
Series Finale: The last two seasons of Angel were nothing short of pure giddy geek fun and the series finale embraced this feeling right up until the final lines. Many balked at the jarring ending, but there was no better way to say goodbye to Angel and friends. After successfully bringing down the worst of the worst, the worst strike back in the final moments by opening up a can of wup ass on earth. Broken, beaten (and some dead) the remaining members of Angel's posse run off into their certain deaths...doing what they do best. Perfect. Goosebumps. While I wanted everything to be wrapped up all nice and pretty, this was Joss Whedon's way of reminding us that these heroes are immortal and should be remembered as such. Whedon has a gift for making you really care about his characters - be they interdimensional Kareokee singing demons or vampire brides - they feel real. So when the show ended, it felt as though we were saying goodbye to these very real people - and some, like Wesley, for good. Action packed, funny, touching and all-round great - Angel's last moments left you wanting more, but not needing more.
Rating: 4 'hell yeahs' out of 5

SIX FEET UNDER
Plot: TV's most depressing/quarky family struggle to maintain the family funeral business while staying sane and pursuing their own 'lives'. I wrote a spec for this show back in University. Just...you know...plugging myself.
Finale Plot: The last season took a turn for the dark and stayed this way until the end. Pretty much everyone who was still kicking by this point was either reeling from a loss, affair, mental breakdown or near-death experience. The final few episodes even saw the departure of one of its more complicated characters and the arrival of two new adopted children in David and Keith's lives. The ultimate highlight of the series finale was the uber touching montage at the end which had Claire driving off into her future mixed with scenes depicting the eventual death of everyone in the series. Starting with Ruth's peaceful goodbye in 2025 to Claire's bedridden fairwell in 2085 - everyone meets their maker (and some, like Keith, more violently than others). I can't remember a time in TV when I was so moved/taken. This was the payoff I wanted. After the final Fisher bit the dust, I knew I would never need to know what comes next and that death...well...it happens man.
Review: 4.5 Choked up Matt's out of 5

SEINFELD

Plot: A show...about nothing! Ingenious!

Finale Plot: The famous foursome stand trial against their peers for just being plain assholes.

Finale Review: How do you wrap up a series about nothing? How do you complete one of the best modern sitcoms? Seems the creators didn't really have an answer themselves. Instead of breaking new ground, Seinfeld digs up the ultimate cliche and brings back all the famous one-off characters for tv land's biggest interventions. I wasn't a huge fan of Seinfeld, but I still respected it for its ideas and fresh take on the genre. This final episode didn't help bolster this impression. Left in a jail cell to (presumably) continue being assholes, the series ends with a pretty bold statement about its characters and a somewhat hollow feeling inside.

Review: 2 point 5 NEWMANS! out of 5

The Office (British Version)

Plot: Regular joes amble through their jobs at a paper company under the insane rule of a severely insecure boss in this 'mockumentary' of office life.

Plot Finale: Done as a 2 hour movie - everyone returns to the office for one last Christmas Party.

Review: As the American version looks to be mirroring the British, I won't give too much away. Suffice to say, the series wraps up on a very touching note and does a fine job of making you laugh out loud until it does. Highlights include David's run as a washed up reality tv show celebrity, his adventures in online dating and Tim's special gift to Dawn. Oh - and a music video that will leave you with a warm feeling inside.

Review: 4 'will they or wont they's' out of 5.

OTHER NOTABLE MENTIONS

Farscape: Yeeeeeeeahhhh! Cheers: Awwwwwww Wonder Years: Sniff sniff.

So - in the spirit of opening up discussion - what are your favorite series finales?

Superman IV: Deleted Scenes

2006-12-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

Well, MJ and I completed our Superman tour with Superman IV: the Quest for Peace. And while not as bat-crap insane as Superman III: Superman vs. Computer Code, it did warrant one final commentary.

Namely - it's about time someone called Superman on his shit. Seriously, this guy has been left unchecked for waaay too long. I was hoping this would have been addressed in the fourth film, but alas, no. So instead, I'm submitting two new scenes for use in upcoming re-releases.

1)
INT. UN Forum - DAY
SUPERMAN addresses the delegates.
SUPERMAN: ...and in conclusion, I will single handedly rid the world of nuclear weapons.
They Clap. The CANADIAN delegate raises his hand.
SUPERMAN: You.
CANADIAN: Superman. I think I speak on behalf of all us, when I say that we, as a people, are truly greatful.
SUPERMAN: Hey, for you guys ... anything.
CANADIAN: Still...uh, this whole idea seems pretty...complicated. How do you intend to collect the world's nuclear weapons?
SUPERMAN: A giant space net.
The delegates react...confused.
CANADIAN: Sorry...you said a giant space net...?
SUPERMAN: Sure. I'm thinking either a fishing net or, you know, something I make out of my own hair. Of course, if anyone wishes to donate their own space net...?
The delegates stare blankly at Superman.
SUPERMAN: No? Ok. Just don't come running when your space net suddenly disappears-
CANADIAN: Superman, what will do you with the weapons once collected?
SUPERMAN: Hurl them into the sun.
The delegates gasp
SUPERMAN: ...what?
CANADIAN: Superman, you do realize that the sun is, essentially, a giant ball of gas.
SUPERMAN: and...
CANADIAN: You intend to hurl nearly a million tonnes of nuclear weapons into...the sun.
SUPERMAN: I'm still not following.
pause
CANADIAN: Can we vote on this?
They vote. Superman wins. Rigging is suspected.

2)
INT. DAILY PLANET - DAY
LOIS interviews SUPERMAN following his defeat of NUCLEARMAN
LOIS: Once more, Superman, you've saved us. How did you do it?
SUPERMAN: High School physics, Lois. Nuclear Man, born of the sun, would obviously be powerless in complete darkness.
LOIS: Oh...so you, like, lured him underground?
SUPERMAN: No, I pushed the moon infront of the sun.
LOIS: Holy fu-
SUPERMAN: What? I cut an entire mountain with eyes, rebuild the great wall of china with my mind and this is what I get shit for?
LOIS: Superman, you're aware that millions have died in freak tsunamis since you moved the moon.
SUPERMAN: That's impossible.
LOIS: Whole continents have been leveled due the dramatic shift in-
SUPERMAN: Screw this noise, I'm outta here.
Superman throws his Mic down and goes to a bar where he becomes...Dick Superman!

On another note, Marijana asked if they sold insurance for 'Acts of Superman' in Metropolis. Genius.

Skeletons on the DVD Shelf

2006-12-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

One thing I've never been faulted for is my unwavering good taste. I have a friggin Mel C album for crap's sakes - even when I could have burned it.

Still, everyone has their weak moments - especially when it comes to movies. And whether they be gifts or a horrible lack of judgement, we all have a few skeletons hiding amongst our DVD collections. So, in an act of purging, here are a couple of mine:

Battlefield Earth

Plot: Tull and Brull (or something 'Ull') head an army of gigantic aliens against a Hu-mon revolution.

How I ended up with it: At some point, a couple friends of mine caught on to the fact that I was first in line for crap movies so, when Crapfield Earth was shat out onto DVD (mere weeks after release I imagine), they automatically assumed it was my favorite film. This was given as a joint birthday present and is watched on occasion if only for the scene where the rebellious 'Hu-mons' find a hanger of fully fueled 1000 year old jet fighters and teach themselves to fly.

Moulin Rouge

Plot: Ewan and Hottie McKidman engage in a tragic yet delightfully musical affair at the Moulin Rouge.

Why its There: I'm not going to lie: I love this movie. Admittidly, this is like the Ghandi of Chick Flick movies, but it just keeps calling me back. If anyone asks, I say it was for a project on 18th century Bohemiem movement - but if my heart asks, I say it's because I just can't get enough. sigh.

About a Boy

Plot: About a Boy

Why the Hell I Bought it: Believe me, I'm as stumped as you are. I think its' because there was a cool song in it. Beyond that, I don't know...Hugh Grant's charm? A discount at Rogers? Will I ever watch it again? In the event that my cable is out and all other movies past 'A' are unable to function...maybe. This was one of those 'hey, that was cute, I'll buy it' films that will probably never again feel the warmth of a DVD tray.

Making of the Matrix

Plot: A 3 hours scene by scene documentary about the making of the Matrix

Why Oh Why?! Those who know my once-addiction to the Matrix will see nothing out of the ordinary with this selection. It was THE movie and, as such, I just HAD to see how they made it. Highlights include the 'unthawing' of the Keannu-Bot before all major fight scenes and the part where the Wackowski brothers call an emergency meeting on how to ruin the triolgy.

Final Fantasy: Spirits Within

Plot: NOTHING at all to do with the video games.

And You Have This...Why? Because I'm an instant-geek for computer generated action. I love it. This film when widely ignored, but I guarantee you that 300 years into the future, mankind will unearth my apartment, find this movie, and re-discover what it means to have fun.

Well...that's all...that I can remember. Updates to come. Why not tell me YOUR guilty pleasure (movie related, please).

Ode to Dick-Superman

2006-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

You know what the world really needs? More Super-assholes. Not your standard everyday assholes, but your Krypton-born/Radiated/Astral-being breed of douchebags.

Do you know what the best part of Superman III was? (Some points if you said 'when it ended'). It was when bland Superman took a hit of fake kryptonite and became an absolute dick.

Not evil...a dick...and this was the best decision ever made in the Superman Universe.

What did Dick-Superman do? Why, he did what ever other guy would do with god-like powers...he messed around with people. In the span of just a twenty minute montage, Dick-Superman grew a 5 o'clock shadow, gelled his hair, straightened the Leaning Tower of Pisa (thus expertly destroying local tourism), blew out the Olympic Flame (which is about 10 on the douchebag scale of international dickery), trashed a bar and scored with the bimbo villainesse - in the villain's own ski chalet. Kudos, dick superman, kudos.

Needless to say, Dick Superman was a hit at the Bradford-Ancic apartment. We even made a song:

He'll stop traffic just to keep you late,

He'll melt the ice so you can't skate,

He'll take the last M&M's from the vending machine,

And throw them out just to be mean,

He'll spin the earth backwards just for fun,

And make it rain in Florida - when he's done!

He's Dick Superman!

Dick Supermaaaaaaan!

So here's to you Dick-Superman. Though you may be mild-mannered now, here's hoping there's plenty of red/funky kryptonite in your future.

Matt 2006: Now With Wheels!

2006-11-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

This is a Ford Fusion 2007 (Yes, reality does warp around the vehicle as depicted. It's a new feature)

On the list of stresses, I figure buying a car (new or used) ranks pretty dang high. I see it equalling both 'loosing all your limbs' and 'having to wrestle two panthers with a wooden spoon'.

Personally, moving from Peace River to Red Deer still ranks 1, but 'Buying a Car' has just entered the top 3. (narrowly edging out 'Missing 24 on TV')

I've done this before - last year with an owner-sold '88 Corsica for 600$.

Today I just finalized a deal for a 2007 Ford Fusion.

Needless to say ... there's a wee difference.

*Note to Parents: By the way, I'm leasing a car. Don't worry, we'll talk later. Call me.*

From the get-go MJ and I were bent on running down another beater car. The logic, of course, being that we'd keep buying beater cars and running them into the ground. Our budget for starters was about 3,000. We found said 'beater' at a local dealer. Of course, there were the added charges - namely 1500 in essential repairs. Small potatoes, I know. Who knew that a 'transmission' and 'motor' were essential. Kids these days.

The real warning lights went off when I asked to see the inspection report and the words 'DO NOT DRIVE!!!' were discovered written over the 'closing remarks'. No joke.

Long story short - a $4500 beater with no warranty didn't really make us feel, as the industry says, 'secure'. So, while we waited in the truck for the $4500 beater to start, we started discussing leasing a new vehicle. And by 'we', I mean 'Salesguy'. In retrospect - I think this was the plan from the start. Scaring us with the beater was just foreplay.

Jump ahead 2 hours and I'm handing over my credit card.

Now...I'm not a complete consumer pushover, but I'm not my dad. I think had my dad been in a similar situation, we'd have gotten the car for free in addition to a share in the company and a free Keg dinner. Basically - I'm not a haggler. I'm a stickler...but not a haggler. As a stickler, I made sure I knew exactly what we were getting into and beat down the monthly payment as much as I could. It's funny how you have an idea of how badass you're going to be in a car negotiation and what a wad of cookie dough you turn out to be when faced with two guys in expensive suits holding the keys to an amazing car.

The good news in all this is that not only can we afford this, but the insurance is dirt cheap. Further good news is that, as mentioned before, the car is kick ass and we bought as much warranties and 'extra car care' plans as we could to make sure that we'll never have to worry about when and if the car breaks down.

So...I get the keys tomorrow - at which point I will begin repaying the entire city of Red Deer for rides.

Give me a call - we'll work something out. No eating or kids.

Black Bear Vs Puma

2006-11-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

What exists outside our universe?

How did we come to be?

Who actually watches JAG?

These are the timeless mysteries of our time - questions which demand answers. But possibly the greatest amongst these is the one question that has dominated the greatest minds for generations:

Who would win in a fight: A Black Bear or a Puma?

The answer, of course, is Black Bear. It's simple. For, like, a gagillion reasons. Still, in the spirit of fair debate I present an unbiased comparison of these two glorious combatents (well, one definitely glorious combatent and one semi-capable predator).

THE PUMA

Part panda, part Uma, the Puma has long been regarded as the 'Emotionally Challenged' little brother of the jungle. Chief among the Puma's strengths are its ability to cry like a sissy and perform ballet to a considerable degree of talent (note: no Puma has yet to perform in any notable shows).

Where the Puma lacks in upper and lower body strength, it makes up for in pearly white teeth which it uses to drink Strawberry Dacquiris and eat small chocolate treats all day long while the other more ambitious felines put in a full friggin day of work.

Natural enemies of the Puma include: inclement weather, spicy food, manual labor, upset stomachs, sniffles and stage fright.

Danger Rating: 2/10 slightly dented tin cans.

THE BLACK BEAR

Part Legend, part super soldier, the Black Bear is often thought to be the product of a genetic Army project gone terribly terribly right! With a left hook carrying the destructive equivalent of three industrial Mac Trucks and reflexes like those of Superman on crank, the Black Bear is oft regarded as the apex of evolution. Recent research has shown that the only thing holding back the Black Bear from complete world domination it its need for hibernation (during which, the Black Bear has been shown to devastate entire species by mere thought alone)

Natural enemies of the Black Bear include: Asteroids, Alien diseases and the Apocolypse

Danger Rating: N/A

There you have it. Science. Feel free to make your vote.

The Juice Has Been Squeezed

2006-11-22T15:50:00.000-08:00

I thought my title was original until I read every damn news article on the subject.

Long story short: OJ won't get to eat steak tonight thanks one or two Fox execs taking the moral highroad and cutting his "If I Did It" Sweeps-travaganza. For those who didn't hear 'what may have been' (i.e ludites), the aforementioned show would have been two hours of our favorite Naked Gun co-star telling us how he would have killed his ex-wife and friend...of course...IF he did it. There was also a book planned.

Yes, that was your mind blowing. Please re-insert and continue.

For some reason I remembered that SNL sketch where OJ played a football sportscaster who eventually details a play strategy by writing "I DID IT" on the telecaster. I pictured the same smug 'Eat Me, Justice System!' smile when he and his agent came up with these new bright ideas.

But oddly enough, I'm not entirely convinced that OJ and Sweeps-hungry Fox Moguls are all to blame. I mean, we all bought in at one time or another...didn't we? For me it was a hilarious picture book based on OJ's notes during court in grade 9. For others it was the latest paper to milk the story and for even more it was watching endless hours of court TV (ads included).

The OJ Mess became a market and we all bought in. Can you blame the guy for thinking he could squeeze us for a little more?If this were all handled a little more subtly, it could have worked.

Luckily, OJ isn't the ripest juice in the fridge (I was stuck for an analogy) and we've saved ourselves from crossing the line from idiot-worship to some far shadier uber creepy territory. But enough. It didn't happen and the world turns. It has, however, given me inspiration. Behold, my new line-up of autobiographies (open for optioning):

How it Would Have Happened: If I Did, In Fact, Pee in Phil's Coffee Mug

What Movie Was On: Had I Actually Been Watching Adult Films In Junior High

Where the Body Could Be: If I Killed That Working Girl

(One of these is fake....which? Oh, my friend, wouldn't you like to know)

Death By Pixels

2006-11-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know when it happened, but I've become offended by videogames...and I'm frightened. Typically, I'd be the first gamer to tell anti-gaming activists to get a life because, really, its just a game. Blame anything on gaming and you'd have to pretty much point a finger at every other autiory and visual influence. It's just silly.

And yet, here I am...offended.

Ok, maybe offended is the wrong word. Let's use 'leery'. And, to be clear, I'm only leery of one genre: War Games.

My thinking goes like this. Who loves War Games? Easy: Gamers (because they're fun and endorse co-op play), Designers (Because the history is already there and the gameplay comes naturally) and Game Companies (Because they're an easy sell for reasons above).

Who probably doesn't like War Games? People have fought in real wars.

I shudder to imagine how the situation would unfold if I were to whip out the Ps2 and pop in Call of Duty 2 with my grandfather in the room.

Me: Hey pops. Check out the awesome next-gen graphics.

Grandfather: Sweet jesus, I lived this.

Me: Yeah! Aint it cool? And check it out the death animations. Soooo lifelike.

Grandfather: Why are you killing your friends?

Me: It's a deathmatch.

Grandfather: A deathmatch? You do this...for fun? Is that a rocket launcher?

Me: Duh! I can kill like 1o people with this puppy.

Grandfather: My friends died during this exact war. Millions died during this war.

Me: I know! It's soooo much fun.

Ok, I wouldn't be this callous, but hopefully the point is made. That is; war games are creepy. I don't give two craps about the sci-fi/fantasy war titles (that whole violence debate is done to death), I'm more put-off by the ease by which gamers and companies are slapping a shiny gloss to the whole experience and translating what was, realistically, a horrible milestone in human misery to a fun carefree romp.

"Destructable Environments! Upgraded Weapons! Improved AI who actually suffer! Team up with a friend or go it alone - it's war, baby - have a blast!"

As videogames become more and more lifelike, so too does the experience and the influence. Yes, I said influence...because we're not talking about 8-bit sprites with little black guns anymore. We're talking about entertainment that's becoming so immersive that it can't help but change our mindsets about the subject matter it portrays. This is exactly why even the American Army has a game out because they know how effective a game can be at selling a romantic notion of war while blissfully leaving out the pesky downsides (death, mutilation, grieving, emotions, etc).

And then there's the reality.

War Games are, and will continue to be, a measure of just how damn good a system is. As such, they will continue to be the 'must have' launch titles and the persistant top sellers. Gamers love to play them, and Developers love to make money. Why stop the this lucrative partnership over something silly like respect for the dead?

In the meantime, I guess I'll just continue my one-man boycott and hope grandpa Bradford never watches G4Tv.

Link Lot #2 : The Linkening

2006-11-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

Remember that whole idea of posting links every day or so? Well...it's been a month ... and I only have one.
But dangit, it was worth the wait.

Click here for maximum mind blowage*

*Blogger does not guarantee nor endorse the physical act of mind blowing. In the event that viewing or sharing said link results in a physical blowing of the mind, the blogger washes his hands of the whole bloody mess. If you would like to photograph or otherwise reproduce said 'mind blowing', then please feel free to submit your account to this blog for possible posting in future Link Lots

Matt Eats Red Deer #1 (SHISO)

2006-11-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

A little background.
Marijana and I met in the uber-scenic town of Peace River. While pretty to look at and great to live in, choices for eating were limited to Boston Pizza, about a half dozen chinese eateries and a couple bars.
Upon moving to Red Deer we vowed two things; 1) Never to eat at Boston Pizza again (which, I've since broke) and 2) to try a new restaurant every week.
So far we've hit the Mongolie Grill, George's, Mike's Steakhouse, the RanchHouse, Blarney Stone North and East Side Marios.
Since I'm lazy - my review for all of the above is: Mmmm delicious.
However, now that I have time, I present to you the first official Restaurant Review in a series of...well, 1 for now.

SHISO RESTAURANT

Shiso crazy! Ha. I just wanted to get that out of the way.
Food: Japanese cuisine - complete with a complicated menu and about 1000 varieties of fish on rice. Includes: Sushi, Sushimi, Chicken, California Rolls, Squid and other ocean delights.
Location: On top of the hill next to Jasmines. Awesome view.
Price: Ehhhhhhh. Not McDonalds - Not the Keg. A good 'pay-day' destination.
Decor: Fancy Japanese sitting booths make the occasion. Also - huge bay windows make it classy. Otherwise, the dining room is fairly generic and I can't help wonder what the reno pros on TLC's restaurant makeover would do with it. I also can't help wonder why I watch that show.
Service: Considering I must have come across as the 'White Guy Who Has Never Eaten Japanese Food', they were very nice and helped me figure out exactly what I was ordering. Turns out Sushimi and Sushi are a difference of rice and '7-Up' and 'Sprite' are a difference of suppliers.
Pay to Food Quality/Quantity Ratio: Good. We were stuffed, but not like 'Bleeeeh' stuffed, more like 'ahhhh lets get an icecream' stuffed. Could use more specials.
Arbitrary Rating: 7.5/10
Overall: A different atmosphere and menu make Shiso an 'event' dining experience. Slightly high prices and intimidating menu stop it from being a regular/casual choice.

Voila. Next Week: Uhh. Pizza?

I Put the Fun in Fun-Do! (Recipe Inside)

2006-11-16T07:58:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm a card carrying member of Club Awesome, I can make puns like that. Deal with it. A downside of Club Awesome is that it takes me longer to recover from my most favoritest of meals:

The Fondu.

If you like eating entire bricks of cheese, pounds of steak, gallons of vege oil, seafood, mushrooms and bathroom breaks that last an entire episode of the Office, then you know why I love 'The Fondu'.

Maybe its a sense memory thing. My parents used to reserve 'The Fondu' for special occasions and thus, they were something to be anticipated. Usually on the day of, Mom would let me make the beer batter and (gasp) let me drink the rest of the beer. Suffice to say 'The Fondu' was an event - and the fact that it tasted like pure angelic bliss only served to solidify 'The Fondu' as my special dinner of choice.

I've since led many down the blessed path of 'The Fondu' - and while most are pissed to all hell about how they feel for a day or two after, they all come back eventually.

Of course, even your average everyday radio employee can dip things into burning hot oil. The secret of 'The Fondu' is, without question, 'The Beer Batter' (aka the heavenly dip upon all cheese must be dipped).

So...as my present to you, dear blog reader, the recipe for beer batter (as provided by Momma Bradford)

3/4 cup of flour

1/4 cup corn starch1 teaspoon of baking powder

1 to 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg

2 eggs

1/2 to 3/4 cup of beer

Mix all the dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients. Beat the crap out of the mixture until its smooth and creamy (get your mind out of the gutter).

Chill overnight.

Enjoy. Pass out. Swear never to have a fondu again. Repeat in two months.

Club Awesome (or, I Never Thought at 25)

2006-11-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've joined club Awesome. A friend of mine emailed and welcomed me to quarter-life (aka the aforementioned 'club awesome'). It also made me realize that I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I'm not old, but I'll never be an astronaut. And that makes me sad.
So, without further ado: Things I never thought I'd be doing/thinking/considering at 25

I never thought I'd still be a cheap drunk
I never thought I'd be thousands of miles away from home shacked up with some hot Croatian newsie.
I never thought I'd still be learning so much from my parents
I never thought I'd actually take things like color schemes and matching dinnerware seriously
I never thought I'd still be taking public transit
I never thought I'd be consitantly in bed by 11pm
I never thought I'd still be playing videogames (Although, I hoped)
I never thought being 25 would (mentally) feel exactly like being 19
I never thought I'd still be in touch with the McRock gang. (and while some have moved on, and others don't talk, I couldn't be happier that I am)
I never thought I'd have RRSP's and be excited by updates from my bank
I never thought I'd maintain a blog for more than 2 days
I never thought I'd finish a complete tho

Ha! See what I did there? Comic genius. Part of being in club awesome is being comedic gold. Or at least you're own fan club.
So here's to club awesome and for the awesome years to come!

Ode to the Wolf Sweater

2006-11-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I wore a Wolf Sweater. It was one of my favorites. In glorious iron-on beauty it told the lonely tale of a single solitary wolf alone in the cold harsh tundras of sweaterville, standing form his rock (it was a he) and staring ominously out of my chest to anyone who would dare look it eye to eye.
I had the spirit of the wolf...in sweater form.
I also wore dragon sweaters (knit by a family friend) and on one of my first days of junior high I proudly displayed a full-on Popeye sweater which came to my knees.
How I survived that day, I don't know. Maybe...just maybe, it was the spirit of the wolf.

In any case, my own experiences have allowed me to be tolerant of the Wolf Sweater. Where some may laugh and cite them to be a gross display of tack, I see them as an affirmation of life - of nature - of the wolf within us all.

Which is why I claim November 12th to be National Wolf Sweater Day. Unpack your boxes, head to your nearest flea market or discount warehouse clothing outlet and wear your Wolf Sweaters with pride!
Tundra Wolves! Red Wolves! Mexican Wolves! Steppen Wolves! The spirit of the wolf is alive ... in YOU!

A Round of Birthday Thanks

2006-11-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

In no particular order, a special thanks to:

Marijana: For simultaneously making fun of the fact I blog and helping me take pictures of the event for it.
Kelly, Carlos, Erin, Amy, Phil, Sam, Darryl, Stephanie and Adam: For making it a great night.
Adam: For running the show and not cutting my mic off on numerous occasions
The Darkness: For making a song that I could KICK ASS with during Kareokee
Lottery Woman with Wolf Shirt: For listening
7-11 Lady: For obviously seeing that I was intoxicated, yet selling me day old chicken tenders regardless.
Mom and Dad: For bearing me. Well...mom mostly for the actual physical part.
Pearl and Friend: For going along with the craziness.
The Makers of Tylenol Extra Strength: For saving me.
Guy Upstairs: For laying off the electric bass this morning.
Dare: For kicking my ass about not updating!

It was a great night! Pictures to follow (if appropriate).

An Open Letter to My Body

2006-11-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

Hey Buddy,

Still mad? I was doing a lot of thinking in the shower this morning about how I treated you last night. Or, for that matter, this last year.

You gotta know I don't mean to do the things I do when I'm drunk. I know that's a horrible excuse, but hear me out. At the time, it seemed like a great idea to follow up 5 unknown shots, 3 pitchers of beer and second hand Caeser Salad with chicken wings from 7-11. I mean, they looked just so good ... and if you want to get technical, it was you who made me hungry.

But I don't want to start playing the blame game. Point is: I'm trying. It's been a good 25 years and I mean it when I say that I'm looking forward to another 50. Or at least 40. 30 would be a bit of a piss-off. I know it might not seem like that when I eat pizza for three days straight or lick the fork after marinating raw chicken (and lets not even get into my '5 minute rule'). And I know that I send mixed signals to you when end a night of Volleyball with a dozen .25 cent wings - but hey that's just me and those are my quarks (well, again, technically they're your quarks too).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm working on being better to you. And if that means less fondus and cheese ... well, damnit, I'm going to try. But I can't do it alone. I need a committment from you too.

For one, I don't know if you noticed, but all the males in my family have a thing with loosing their hair early. I URGE you to buck this particular trend. I also urge you to look deep within yourself (or, I guess, myself) and remember what it was like to have abs. Those were good times, huh? Lets say we get back to that?

Of course, I also expect you to keep everything else in good working order... especially ... well...you know.

I guess that's it. I'm turning over a new leaf, my friend and I hope this means we can both mend our difference and work together for the same goals. We didn't pick each other, but we can still love each other.

That said, I apologize in advance for the gigantic roast beef dinner I'm planning for tonight. Also the ice-cream. And the complete day of laziness to follow.

Love ya man!

P.S: Remember this?

Things I Thought While Watching Superman I

2006-11-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

"I can't believe Roger's was out of Hollowman 2"

"Margot Kidder isn't Kidding around. Hah! I should tell that one to Marijana."

"She's right. That was stupid."
"Krypton is probably the most depressing/poorly designed/dangerous spike crystal city ever conceived"
"Marlon Brando's looking good."
"Zod looks like my uncle after drinking"
"What did Clark eat in that spaceship?"
"This isn't at all following Smallville"
"The same actress played Clark's girlfriend in the movie and his mom in the show? Creepy."
"So...when do we get to Zod?"
"Hey Clark, you Dad just died. Why don't you be a dick and leave your mom? Oh wait. There you go."
"Wait. Lois Lane is at least 12 years younger than Clark? Creepy"
"Lois can't spell 'rapist'? Seriously?"
"Is this where Zod shows up?"
"Oh look - they're flying. Together. Impossibly."
"Still flying"
"Shitty poetry...and more flying."
"Lois falls! Awesome! Shit. More flying."
"So let me get this straight. Before his date with Lois, Clark gets her all excited as Superman? Is he trying to be his own cock block?"
"We're entering zero-hour for a Zod appearance"
"Lex Luther lives in a submerged train station? ... ?"
"Lex Luther's girlfriend has gigantic breasts."
"Breasts somewhat make up for lack of Zod."
"Note to self: Fault lines can be repaired by simply lifting them back into place"
"Further note to self: I can reverse time by reversing the earth's rotation"
"Hey Superman - now that you reversed time, you do realize that you have to go back and re-save those people - oh, wait. No? Ok then."
"Superman's Greatest Foe: Logic."
"I wonder if I can reserve Hollowman 2"

The Campaign Begins

2006-11-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

Fellow NewCap Employees,

It's been a big year, hasn't it? A successful year. I don't know about you, but each and everytime I enter these hallowed snow-stained halls, I cannot help but be taken aback by the sheer magnitudeness of our journey.

You may ask yourself: is Magnitudeness a real word? No, it is not. But I argue - why not? Why fear change? Must a word be established before it is said? Must an employee have been with a company longer than 6 months to be awarded a yearly honor? The answer, of course, is no.

Which is why, this December 2006, I urge you to vote Matt Bradford for Employee of the Year.

Some may argue that to be employee of the year, one must first have worked an entire year. Technically, this may be true. But i ask you this: What of Napoleon? What of Einstein? What of Tom Hanks? Must they have also worked an entire calendar year in their professions to be recognized for their achievements? The answer is, again, is no.
Committment, my friends, is a state of mind ... not a timesheet.
In my short time here I have put helped pave a bold new path for our glorious company. In just 5 months, I have increased sales by 300%* and given rise to strong new initiatives that have bolstered the continued providence of our illustrious repitoire...or something. I have single handidly lobbied for the important issues (Most notably my recent Coffee for Creative'06 campaign and the 'Hey Can I Borrow 25 Cents, Drew? program). In the coming future, I promise to think about getting around to doing more.

And isn't that what an Employee of the Year is? More? Think about it.

I am not saying that the other candidates do not deserve this honor. I'm just saying that I saw one beat a small puppy to death with a rolled up Broadcasting magazine in the back. Is that how you want our industry news handled? I thought not.

This December, vote for change. Vote for Vision. Vote for Hope.
Vote Matt Bradford for Employee of the Year.

Because you don't kill puppies...and neither do I.

*estimated
(all emails and questions can be forwarded to Kelly Thompson, my campaign manager. Donations accepted)

Personality Test Sheep

2006-11-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

Two updates in one day? Unheard of you say! Proposterous! Slow Work Day!
Online tests - I love 'em for their randomness pseudo-science and I hate 'em because they so often miss the mark.
Either way, they provide good blog fodder.

Like this: Turns out I'm not as much of a nerd as I think I am:

Or this - I'm definitely not a loser:Though really - each of these tests should have but one question: Do you take online tests?

If the answer is yes, you get the following:

(update: want to kill 5 minutes of your own? Click here - Thanks to Phil for pointing out my lack of hyperlinking savvy).

Proof I'm Not Lazy

2006-11-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

Rather - proof that being lazy isn't exactly a bad thing.
Have a read:
"Bad Habits Can Be Good For Your Career" - MSN Candace Corner
Like I've always said - a little gaming before, after (and possibly during) work can help keep the voices inside my head at bay. Lord knows after dealing with some clients (I like saying that, makes me sound like I'm getting paid good money), I need to unwind with a little mindless thumb-on-controller action.
And I'm not alone. There are millions of us 'gamers'. And they look just like everyone else.

"The truth is, a little time in fantasy land could be just what you needed. Dr. Kathleen Hall, [Insert tons of credentials] recommends 10 to 15 minutes of online computer play to refresh and get you ready to work."

Doing the math - 10 to 15 X Afternoon = Super productive Happy Matt. And everyone wins when I'm happy Matt.
Once again science comes through.
Other 'Bad Habits' include Gambling (check), Watching TV (Check), Air Guitaring (Check) and Killing Hobos (Check).
Ok, I made that up - I never air guitar.
Read the article.