Halo 3: Protips!

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.

Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.

So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.

Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'

Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!

Winner #2: Darren!

See?? Don't you wish you entered now? Our final winner is none other than Darren S. When asked how he'd like to be portrayed, he simply sent me a picture of him before a 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. The Skull and Bones is my nod to his extraordinary movie pirating skills.
NAPTA Forever!

Winner #1 Steve!

Presenting: Winner numero Uno: Steve from Mississauga (last name witheld due to pending gambling allegations).
Steve is almost usually studying for something on his way to become a psychogermawhatchamacallitologist - so he requested that I depict him as a lifetime student.
For you, buddy - aces up your sleeves and all...

Goodbye Little Buddy (Meatwad Dec 2005 - Sept 2007)

A moment of silence for the coolest, calmest and downright cutest hamster ever.

Last friday night, our little friend passed away quietly and quickly in the presense of MJ and Myself.

In retrospect, it was the best we could have hoped for. Meatwad had contracted pneumonia and despite our positive thinking, extra lovin' and well wishes, we just couldn't pull her through. Finally, and while in the comfort of a blanket between us, she let go and we had the honor of being there and holding her as she did.

It's funny how attached you get to the smallest of things without thinking. Yeah, she's a hamster and yes she may not have been on her way to curing cancer, but over the past two years she became a honorary third member in our little Alberta family.

She was a constant source of amusement. A unpredictable ball of fuzz that continued to surprise us in her action, reactions and unmistakable character. Yes, she had character. Everyone who met the little gal knew that while she may not have been the most intelligent creature on earth, she was certainly one that broke the mold.

It's hard to describe, so I won't. Needless to say she wasn't just a hamster, she was Meatwad - and we'll miss the crap out of her.

On a slightly humorous/surreal note, she also led us on a bit of an adventure after her death. We decided that it would be best to bury her that night and in a local favorite park. Unfortunately for us, it was midnight, it was raining and the only tools at our disposal were a hammer, a keychain flashlight, shoebox and duct tape.

You can imagine how odd it was when a car passed by and found me walking into the woods with a hammer and roll of duct tape. We quickly decided to find a more isolated location and began what would turn out to be an hours worth of digging. (And they make it look so easy on TV).

Long story short, if you're ever in Red Deer, MJ and I would be more than happy to walk you by the rock which now marks the spot of our late best friend.

Contest Winners

Unfortunately the contest is a bit marred by other events (see above), but there are still winners to be announced and, damnit, I'm going to announce them.
In a tie: Darren S and Steve H

I ask both of these fine blog-reading folks to email me within the next day or two and put in their requests for how they'd like to be drawn (if any). I.e Darren - you can be a pirate. Steve - you can be the Cuban president.

Whatever your hearts can dream...let me know...

Keep Em Coming!

The entries, I mean. Keep em coming! And if you don't know what I mean, head down a post and check out the contest.

Also, and if you really can't stand wading through a year of immensely entertaining posts, you could always copy the answers posted in the comment section by someone who obviously has complete disregard for policies and procedures. Still, they may not be right. (And I'm hoping they aren't so I don't have to commit myself to drawing a 'giant package').

Shudder.

In the meantime, kiddies, thought I'd rant a bit about Nintendo.

Now, to begin, you have to know that I pretty much grew up on Nintendo. I was the generation that called it 'Super Mario BrAs' because I didn't know 'Bros.' was a short form of 'Brothers'. Tecmo Superbowl was my afternoon activity and Super Smash Brothers was the only way Steve and I could decide who would do the essential work in our lovely downtown apartment (i.e dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry, feeding the hamster).

*I should note that because of Steve's uncanny ability to find the most cheapest moves in any game (I'm looking at you fan abuser), my wins were few and far between. Which is why, when I look back on things, I probably got into RPG's and other single player outings.*

In any case, what I'm saying is that I was a Nintendo fanboy before the word 'fanboy' crapped itself into the Videogame Lexicon. So you have to believe me when I say that it pains me now to fire a shot against the big N.

But I will. Because someone has to. And there's literally nothing left to do at work.

p.s: A note to Newcap readers - I'm kidding.

So here it is. Nintendo - you've become a dick (See picture above of your negligent-pop-culture whoring). Seriously, you've grown far, far FAR too self-important for your own good and its time to knock you down a peg.

Now, here's where I should be launching into a tirade. And that was the plan until I realized that I posted a similar entry like this at 1up.com. And no, you didn't know it existed because no one read it. So I thought I'd share it with you today:

It begins:

Dear Nintendo,

I've had it up to here with the whole Nintendo Superiority complex, And by 'here', I mean 'mid-neck level' - so while not 'extremely annoyed', I'm not beyond punching the next Nintendo Fanboy in the throat for talking about how Wii sports changed the way we play games. And this is my main problem. It seems like every Wii automatically comes with a soapbox and inflated sense of what it means to be a TRUE GAMER (insert reverb and heroic music).Time magazine even featured the damn thing as if it were the cure for Cancer. People, can we look at this from beyond sales stats and extremely inflated word of mouth? It's a controller for craps sake. Granted, being able to faithfully reproduce physical movements in a virtual medium is a cool trick, it's certainly nowhere near the leaps and bounds in innovation seen elsewhere in the industry. I'm talking about innovations in online play, storytelling, gameplay mechanics, length, audio and graphics. And yes, graphics matter.

Put aside your snobdom for a second and look at this rationally. Better graphics equal better immersion. And I don't care how cool it is to shoot soldiers by flicking your wrist, if they look like jagged zombies, I'm going to switch systems in a flash.

(Whoa! It's like I'm in a REAL game!)

This, in a nutshell, is why I opted for an XBOX 360 instead of a Wii; substance - something beyond mini games and shoehorned controls. I want polish, a sense of epic production values and something new. Good god something new! Sure, for some people it may be fun waiting for those 2 or 3 Zelda/Metroid/Mario titles to show up every 2 years or so, but for me it's like waiting in the cheap theatre for some umpteenth sequel when I could be in the new megaplex watching something new.

Ok, bad analogy.

Here's the deal, my Wii friends have been defending the system since they got it. But what are they playing now? Virtual console games and old gamecube titles. Does that make sense? I thought this system was supposed to be a revolution? So why is there such a heavy emphasis on downloading games you could have easily emulated or bought in the last 2 decades? Oh - I know...because aside from the superb first party franchises, all that's left are 3rd party ports, mini game retreads and disney movie adaptations.

THIS is why Nintendo is dominating the market? What are they putting in the punch??Now just so I'm clear - I don't hate Nintendo. I really do WANT to want the Wii, but I don't want to do it because the sales are at a record high and I'm a giant game hating technophobe if I don't. Motion sensing does not an innovate game make. It's so many other things and, quite frankly, Nintendo just isn't delivering on their promise. Now, if you'll excuse me, Oblivion calls.

100th Post Spectacular!

Yes. 100 posts. Roughly a 1:10 ratio of readers to posts, but an achievement all the same!
Huzzah!
So what to do at 100 posts? Hold the very first contest of course! Merely by searching back through past posts (face it, you have nothing better to do), you can win a chance to see your cartoon image front and centre on the SomethingBradford screen!
'What's that' you say?! A FREE Matt-made picture? Of ME? Yes...it's true and all you have to do is correctly answer 5 of the 6 questions below to qualify. Oh - and you have to comment. No emails. No random mentions in the hall. Down and dirty commenting.

So here we go!

1- What is my official Pimp Name? (Hint: 2006)
2- Recite 3 lines from 'Ode to Dick Superman'
3- Name at least 1 game I wrote a review for: (Bonus points if you use the word 'visionary', 'best' or 'unbelievably entertaining' in reference to review.
4-When did Meatwad make her comic Debut?
5-Who won in the Great Jack Bauer Vs. Die Hard Guy battle?
6-Who officiated over my parents' wedding vow renewal?

Good luck and god speed. I'll give you a day or so.

*UPDATE: Its been brought to my attention that posting your answers in the comment section would be pretty stupid considering all one would have to do is wait for the first person to answer. Therefore, please email all answers instead to matto2000@hotmail.com.
Still...you can comment...if you want.

Mocha in

I know I'm totally going to be the father who shows pictures of his kids about 20 million times a day.
Everyone will be at their desks and I'll come in the room and they'll turn to each other and say 'shit, I bet he has new pictures. Damnit Bradford!'
So on that note - more hamster business. I couldn't NOT post this .... right?

*Update: This isn't Meatwad nor is it me. Come on, like I'd use heart flash wipes in a video. Puhleeease*

*Update 2: apparantly by attempting to edit this post, I erased the video. If you were really interested, look up 'Mocha' and 'Hamster' on Youtube.

Metazoa Ludens

Last night I had a dream about taking Meatwad outside to play amongst the grass, rocks and dirt. It was cute.
Then I saw this and nearly shat.
Nearly.
I'm hoping this can be scaled down, developed and marketed for a reasonable price in Meatwad's lifetime because, damn, mixing videogames AND meatwad? A dream come true.

AB Post Clarification

Just to clarify a few questions brought to me by various readers.

i) It did not take that long to find the pictures of the ads. Thus, I was not 'looking for male ads on the internet' for longer than, say, 3 minutes.

ii) No, that last picture is not of me.

iii) I have just now deleted both pictures from my hard-drive at work.

iv) I'm not sure if 'hard-drive' is hyphonated.

v) Not so much an answer, but an edit. So as to ensure that people don't get the wrong idea about this blog, I'm attaching the following picture.