Friday, October 19, 2007

Halo 3: Protips!

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.
Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.
So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.
Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'
Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Winner #2: Darren!

See?? Don't you wish you entered now? Our final winner is none other than Darren S. When asked how he'd like to be portrayed, he simply sent me a picture of him before a 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. The Skull and Bones is my nod to his extraordinary movie pirating skills.
NAPTA Forever!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Winner #1 Steve!

Presenting: Winner numero Uno: Steve from Mississauga (last name witheld due to pending gambling allegations).
Steve is almost usually studying for something on his way to become a psychogermawhatchamacallitologist - so he requested that I depict him as a lifetime student.
For you, buddy - aces up your sleeves and all...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Goodbye Little Buddy (Meatwad Dec 2005 - Sept 2007)

A moment of silence for the coolest, calmest and downright cutest hamster ever.

Last friday night, our little friend passed away quietly and quickly in the presense of MJ and Myself.
In retrospect, it was the best we could have hoped for. Meatwad had contracted pneumonia and despite our positive thinking, extra lovin' and well wishes, we just couldn't pull her through. Finally, and while in the comfort of a blanket between us, she let go and we had the honor of being there and holding her as she did.
It's funny how attached you get to the smallest of things without thinking. Yeah, she's a hamster and yes she may not have been on her way to curing cancer, but over the past two years she became a honorary third member in our little Alberta family.
She was a constant source of amusement. A unpredictable ball of fuzz that continued to surprise us in her action, reactions and unmistakable character. Yes, she had character. Everyone who met the little gal knew that while she may not have been the most intelligent creature on earth, she was certainly one that broke the mold.
It's hard to describe, so I won't. Needless to say she wasn't just a hamster, she was Meatwad - and we'll miss the crap out of her.
On a slightly humorous/surreal note, she also led us on a bit of an adventure after her death. We decided that it would be best to bury her that night and in a local favorite park. Unfortunately for us, it was midnight, it was raining and the only tools at our disposal were a hammer, a keychain flashlight, shoebox and duct tape.
You can imagine how odd it was when a car passed by and found me walking into the woods with a hammer and roll of duct tape. We quickly decided to find a more isolated location and began what would turn out to be an hours worth of digging. (And they make it look so easy on TV).

Long story short, if you're ever in Red Deer, MJ and I would be more than happy to walk you by the rock which now marks the spot of our late best friend.

Contest Winners

Unfortunately the contest is a bit marred by other events (see above), but there are still winners to be announced and, damnit, I'm going to announce them.
In a tie: Darren S and Steve H

I ask both of these fine blog-reading folks to email me within the next day or two and put in their requests for how they'd like to be drawn (if any). I.e Darren - you can be a pirate. Steve - you can be the Cuban president.

Whatever your hearts can dream...let me know...