Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Link Lot #4 - Children of Links

Because I have non-posting guilt, here's a few links that might make up for lack of content (based on the assumption that what I post is considered content).

1 - Mikey at 'My Boy the Girl' passed along this uber rad Jean Claude Van Damme article. Even if you're aren't a fan of splits, renegade cops or shady martial arts tournaments, this still makes for a hilarious read: CLICK ME!

2 - Then there's this semi-cool collection of pictures. Some guy made cities out of playing cards ... and I thought Phil was obsessive about building his giant risk board (more on that at 'Dream Country' - see blog links). Anyways, this reminds me of that Simpsons spoof about the CGI Movie 'Cards'. CLICK ME, FOO!

3 - And proof that SNL can be genius - Brohans.com (I'll pretend I know them) compiled a list of classic mock commercials. Most are a little dated, but they include two of my favorites - Dissing your Dog and Schmitt's Gay. They don't have that one about robot insurance for old people though. Shame. DROP THE GUN AND CLICK ME NOW!

4- Finally - I'm a little late on this one - George Takei speaking out against Tim Hardaway's anti-gay ramblings. Hilarious. MAKE IT SO!

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Public Execution of Britney Spears

Rant Levels = high
So Britney shaved her head. Call in the national guard.
In case you haven't seen Craig Ferguson's take on the over-exposed Britney, do yourself a favor and click on this nicely colored link HERE.
Essentially, its more about his own experience, but he's also calling for a moritorium on all Britney bashing - and I couldn't agree more. Folks, the media is killing this poor girl and as long as we keep jumping at every piece of bullshit Britney news, they won't stop until she's completey bat-shit insane.
In case you're wondering, I am 100% genuine here. I honestly feel bad for the ex-pop princess. And to demonstrate why, I ask you to clear your mind and live a couple years in the life of Britney Spears.

Year 1-3 (rough estimate) you're a bazillionaire media darling. You're also young and so you trust the media moguls and PR people when they say that they can make you even bigger if you just let them make the most out of your good looks and great voice. They convince you to let them shape your image - your style - your sex appeal. So you agree and soon, as promised, everyone in the world loves you. The cameras love you, the talkshows love you, your fans love you - it's the dream come true. Everything you are is what the media wanted you to be - and it's worked. They've pumped you up because you are a hot brand and after selling a majillion (new number) records, you can't help but believe your own hype.

Year 4: Things are good. But lo and behold you learn the hard way that everyone loves a loser as much as they love a winner and soon all that media attention takes a turn. Soon, the media wants to hate you because it sells more paper. Overnight, your successes are trumped by your every single mistake - mistakes that normal people make every day, but are suddenly the BIGGEST FUCK-UPS ever according to the very same media outlets who once put you on a pedastal. Soon you can't fart in public without Entertainment Tonight calling you a dirty whore.

Year 5-ish: After being under a microscope for years and having ever failed singer call you a fake, you say 'fuck it. If they hate me, I'll lay low. I'll get married, live the normal life'. Simple, right? Not by a long shot. Because now the trendy thing to do is showcase every mis-step you take. All the sexually frustrated old men who once found you attractive are now so easger to tear down whomever you pick as a mate. In this case, the guy you pick is a little rough around the edges. You know this, but you also plough through because you know him better than everyone. Still - for the next couple years you wake up to the newspapers, magazines and tv reminding you what a douchebag he is. You try to avoid them, but it's useless...you know his every move and how everyone hates him. Everyone wants you to fail - and if that means tearing up your marriage, so be it.

Year 6: So you dump him. You shake off the bad press. But by now, you're like 'fuck it - they don't want me to be popular, they don't want me to be happily married, they don't want me to be a good mom - I'm starting to go a little crazy - I need to let off some steam.'
Nope - sorry. You want to have some fun? Guess what - you're a dirty , vagina-flashing whore now. Why? Well...it sells ad time on ET and the public absolutely loves watching you spiral downhill.

Year 7: You shave your head. Anything for attention at this point will help. You've also cracked a little under the strain of a billion eyes - all telling you what a dirty, talentless tramp you are. You drink more because what else is there to do? You've resigned yourself to the fact that nothing you will ever do again will be cast in a positive light - so why try?


I won't say she hasn't made her mistakes, but I dare you to stay sane after the barrage of horrible press. I was never a huge Britney fan, but what I'm seeing these days feels more like a public execution than entertainment news.
Leave it alone. Let her be. There's bigger fish to fry out there - people who need to be scrutinized.
When and if Britney goes too far, it will be on our heads, people. And you know what? She'll be a saint. If Britney were to go tomorrow, she'd be the 'Fallen Angel' we all loved. Because tributes get ratings, too.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Why I'd Never Survive Starfleet Command

WARNING: Nerd Levels = High

It's a statistical fact that a repeat Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG for the hipsters) plays roughly 300 times a day in 65 languages.

Without even trying, I've watched the entire series again. Or almost. In any case, I've sat down to enough repeats to realize that never ever would I make a good officer aboard the Enterprise.

And here's why.

You're kidding me right? The ability to live out my most fantastic/erotic dreams at my beck and call and I'm suppose to maintain the coupling relays on the warp core? I can't count the amount of times I'd fake sick just to some extra time in the 'Playboy Mansion Program 36Y69'. Oh, and don't forget about bathroom breaks. I barely have the will power to avoid casinos, let alone 3D physical manifestations of my most inner desires. I'd be begging to borrow holodeck time from everyone - so much so that I'd become 'that guy' who's just nice to the lieutenants because he wants more holo-minutes. Nevermind that I wouldn't do any work - that's obvious - I'm talking about full blown addiction that'd eat up sickbay resources and eventually lead to the Enterprise returning home just to drop my sorry ass off.


Hot, yes, but useless. This is a woman who can read the thoughts of an alien diplomat through a viewscreen over a million miles away but can rarely figure out who's possessed or who's planning a bloody coup. Odds are Riker would catch me rolling my eyes one time too many and send me packing. I can't stand useless aliens and my contempt would, in time, get the best of me.


I have a tendancy to be a smart ass and from what I've gathered, Klingons rarely understand sarcasm. They also want to fight about everything. I'm not saying ALL Klingons are bad, I've just witnessed my fair share of emotionally stunted 'ridge heads' to know that I wouldn't work well in a Klingon friendly environment. This prejudice also extends to Ferengi, Green Women, Psychopathic Androids and amorphous red balls of energy.


Unless there's a course in Starfleet Bullshittery, I'd be as useless as Deanna Troi (see above). Seriously - everyone would be in the battleroom throwing out suggestions and I'd be the guy slowly eating his bagel hoping not to be asked.

Picard: Geordi? Any suggestions?
Geordi: We could try dumping the trans-fuel conduit. That would create a momentary solarus field - conceivably allowing our sensors extra range.
Picard: Interesting...Data?
Data: From what I've gathered, sir, the static-flux capacitator would provide coupling charge to enact such a maneuver.
Picard: Matthew?
Me: Uh....hey, anyone not using their holo deck minutes?

5- Strange Yet Boring Worlds

Oh...la dee dah...anyone eden-esque world where everyone talks with British accents. It would get to a point where I wouldn't even volunteer for away missions.

6- The Transporter
Nevermind the philosphical arguments about whether we have souls - I'm thinking about all the screw-ups that have been transporter related. Folks - this MUST be a perfected technology with even the slightest incident resulting in immediate non-use. Plus, I'd have to make sure never to piss of the engineer...which I'd likely do if he's Klingon.

7 - The Prime Directive

Oh...here's a great idea. Spend bazillions building starships so we can just hover above worlds twiddling our thumbs. What's the point? We're human beings - sticking our noses in our people's business is our greatest talent. I just wouldn't see the point. Also - I'd make a point of raising a stink whenever a commanding officer blatantly breaks the prime directive...which pretty much includes everytime it comes into question.

Alas - the future may be bright, but my role in it is very uncertain. Now as for being a Slider, Stargater, Intergalactic Bounty Hunter...there may be some promise.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Published on the Interweb Part#2 (And an Apology to Phil)

Whoohoo! The second review is up and ready for the masses. While I didn't enjoy the game as much as Death Jr. 2, writing the review was a little more fun.

Check it out if you have a moment: http://wham.canoe.ca/handhelds/2007/02/13/3606856-ca.html

The gallery is of another game entirely, so it might have to be taken down and re-posted, so if it's not up, please hang up and try again.

As an aside, the canoe people = good people. And while that's a bit of ass kissing, it's also the truth. It's nice to be doing the freelance thing for a group of people who have a genuine interest in the industry. They're also fun - and that helps.

Also - apologies to Phil. Phil parked in my parking spot this month. It's the employee of the month parking spot and I now remember saying that he could use it. Of course, me being a jerk made a big deal - thus leading Phil to relocate to his less than ideal spot at the back of the lot.

I feel horrible. Now, I extend an open invitation to Phil to use my parking spot whenever I am carless.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hockey Feedback Fantastico!

Oh, fun...debate!
Who'd have thunk that the ole Hockey Rant would have stirred such feedback? Then again, it is hockey and well, we are obsessed. Oops, there I go again.
First of all, thanks to everyone who weighed in. I got some great emails and some equally entertaining comments - almost all of them intimating that I equated a non-love of hockey to being gay.
So first things first - this is not my belief - merely a reaction I've received personally when telling people I'm not that into hockey. Not from everyone, mind you, but at least from some. So it was a personal experience. More so, its a horrible stereotype and I'm sorry to have used it. Point of fact - I happen to think all guys who skate for 18 minutes a night get paid millions are gay. Kidding. kidding. Put down the torches.

Secondly, and most importantly, I do no hate hockey. I could care less, but I do not hate it. Nor would I pin canada's general apathy for all things non-hockey on the NHL. My sincerest (well, somewhat sincere) apologies if that came across.

Look, hockey's popular - and barring intense global warming, it will likely stay that way. What I am asking is to let loose our fanatical grasp on the game and expand our horizons. Just imagine what could be achieved if Canadians got behind other facets of Canadian culture with equal support and passion. Think of how much more we could contribute to the world if we stood behind our other talented exports as much as we do hockey.

I'm also concerned with the way we're portraying ourselves to the world. Hockey's dominance in all media and culture constantly re-enforces the stereotype that we're all beer swilling hockey watching hosiers who aren't so much engaged in world affairs as we are with the latest match between so-and-so and 'that team from the city I grew up in, therefore they're like family'.

It goes without saying that Canada has much more to offer than great stick handlers, and that's really my main fear; that if we don't start sharing our passion for the game with our other assets and talents, that we'll miss out on the attention we could be receiving from other equally important cultural highlights.

So how do we do this? That's a great question....

Pike87oil makes a great point about taking the fight for local arts and talent straight to the local and federal powers-that-be. I couldn't agree more. Sure he may not work for the best station in Red Deer, but its a valid point none-the- less. He also advocates getting out and actually showing support for local theatre or sports or, hell, whatever. I say - do it! Not only will you be shoving me off my soapbox, but you never know - you just may like what you see.
(p.s in my defense sir pikey, I've recently suffered through a local production of Scrooge - and had the chance to take the stage in a few productions up north. So I'm doing what I can, honest. Next stop, puppetry of the penis.)

And that's really all I'm saying - turn off the hockey - just try it. Watch little Mosque in the Prairie, Corner gas, Bill Strombo-whatshisface - get out to local theatres or comedy clubs - support other sports - get behind upcoming Canadian entertainers before they're forced to go American to become famous - likewise get interested in what Canada's doing on other fronts (i.e medical - did you know we might be the ones with the cure for cancer but since it's so dirt cheap to produce and sell, it won't make a profit and thus is having trouble getting picked up by big Pharma companies?).

In general - let's crack this Canadian egg open and release the love for everything we do.

On a less serious note, I didn't mean to say that those who loves hockey ignore their family, rob from the poor and/or eat babies. That said, if you had a choice between gold tickets at the Stanley Cup and your son/daughter/puppy's graduation, which would you choose?
If you had to think about this...well....I'm just saying...

So to recap - people who don't like hockey aren't gay. Hockey is not evil and Canada would do well to spread that riot-inducing mania elsewhere...for once.

Anyways - keep the feedback coming!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

One Small Step for Matt, One Giant Leap for Mattkind

I often imagine what the world would be like if everyone lived like me. Then I think - who would vacuum? And then I get scared.
For those wondering just how much of a leech they are to humanity, check out:
Your Ecological Footprint

Myself, it would take 6.8 earths to accomodate everyone living my lifestyle. There would also be about 11 trillion PS2's in circulation and manditory fondu dinners every monday, wednesday and friday.
Oh, and of course Jack Bauer would be president of the USPEWU (United Six Point Eight World Union).
Marijana would then be first lady - or the Secretary of Gettin' it On! Booyeah!
Me? I'd probably end up on the USPEWU payroll somehow.

Damn - there I go being creepy again.

Friday, February 09, 2007

How the Puck is Killing the Canuck

Man, we love our hockey don't we?

I mean...really love our hockey.

I mean - given the choice between disbanding the NHL and sacrificing our first born children, most Canadians would probably spending a good 10 minutes weighing their options.

Remember last year's playoffs? If you lived in Alberta I'm sure you do. Better yet, I'm confident that 3 Million Ontarians could have been killed in Canada's largest terrorist attack and that would be relegated on page 2, right after the front page spread about last night's game and right before the 5 page special Edmonton Oiler's pullout section.

Oh, and the riots...lest we forget the riots.

Do you know who benefitted from the NHL strike. Wives. And Children. I shit you not, there was an actual baby boom because hockey nuts had nothing better to do than pay attention to their families.
Relax - I'm not arguing that all hockey fans are violent or neglectfull - that's just the megafans. But hell, it seems that all I see are the mega-fans. You're either a hockey fan or people are wondering if you like to kiss boys.
P.S: I don't really care for the game and I'm very happy kissing my girl.
Long-winded rambling short: Canada is addicted to Hockey - so much so that I'm gonna come right out and say it - Hockey is killing us. Slowly, maybe, but killing us.

Killing us how? Well... culturally. You'd be remiss to think that we're very much different from the states. Our Television, movies, clothes, food, music - a huge chunk of everything we consume culturally (and, I guess physically) is American, but we cling to hockey above all else - like this one sport is the only thing that defines us.

Imagine if this same focus was given to improving our arts - improving our music or just generally retaining some of our top talent so that they don't have to go to the states just to get noticed. Sure, we're really good at staking claim in a Canadian once they've become big down south, but we'll be damned to give them to time of day(or funding) beforehand unless they know how to handle a stick.

And no, I'm not making this up. On a local level, I had a client who was trying to drum up support for Central Alberta's top figure skaters but wasn't making any headway because it had nothing to do with hockey and people were just, well, uninterested.

Mind you, that IS figure skating - so maybe it's a bad example.

Suffice to say - we're loosing good people because we just don't give a damn. I don't have the numbers, and I'd be happy to back down if someone did, but from talking to people for the freelance work, its a big problem.

An exaggeration? Probably. And I know Hockey isnt the problem - it's a great game and it brings us together. So what am I whining about? I guess it's that hockey isn't the only thing we can proud of, but we're running the risk of letting it overshadow everything else we have to offer.

So what can we do? Hells if I know. I'm open to suggestions. I'm certainly not calling for a mass arena burning. And hockey will never go away, nor do I want it too. I'm just saying we should broaden our horizons a bit before we go too overboard.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Life on Speed

Maybe I should reconsider that title.
First of all - thanks for all those who came out of hiding to leave a comment. Especially Ontarians who seem to be in a 1 month delay.
Secondly, It's been a craptacularly busy week - which unfortunately means less writing for fun and more writing for 'the man'.
That said, there's always enough time for Links!

1- Very funny video. Interesting to start, hilarious at the end. SPIDERS ON DRUGS
2- Not a link, but a picture - if you can look at this following picture and not feel anything, then you, good sir, have no soul.

In a semi-related update - we've had to tape the front entrance to meatwad's cage after her great escape a couple months ago. Now she's wailing away on the door to no avail - one day hoping for freedom when, unbeknownst to her, outside forces have made it impossible to ever escape. Thank you, meatwad, for teaching me a little about life and a whole lot about love. sniff.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Missing Fact

Fact 51 - Apparantly I don't follow through when I promise 51 facts.

51st Post Extravaganza!

This was my favorite 'celebration' image from google. Go Italy!
Sigh. 51 posts later and it just feels like yesterday that I was setting this ole Blogger up. Since then, readership has gone up nearly 400% (from my mom to 4 other people). Oh the memories.

To say I borrowed the following idea would be misleading. I outright stole it.
But it's fun, so I thought you wouldn't mind.

So without further rambling - 51 Random Thoughts/Facts/Half-Truths about Me

1 - I was born on November 15th 1981 to Rob and Deanna with an egg head. Those professionals at the hospital squished my head with forceps and I was in rough shape for a couple days. Since then, my head feels like the moon - craters and all.
2- My middle names are Ian and Robert - both my grandfathers
3- When I was very young, I got stuck behind the coke machine at the local convenience store. Since then, I've learned to just walk away.
4- In the fickle discussion on abortion, I am pro choice.
5- In the fickle discussion on potato chips - I'm a salt and vinegar man (sometimes combined with smokey barbecue)
6- I swear I saw a UFO on my 11th Halloween.
7- I had a dog for approxiamately 5 months. His name was Max. My parents got him for me while i was still in gradeschool after years of subtle hinting. Seems I liked the idea of a dog and not so much the work that came with it. I've since tried harder with all my pets.
8 - On that subject, my first Hamster, Budster, is buried behind the pool at my parent's house. I promised to buy him a shrub - a promise my Dad continues to remind me about. I'm a horrible, horrible person.
9 - Three hamsters have graced my life - Budster, Frodo and Meatwad. Budster died 2 times. The first time, my mom tapped his chest and gave him mini-cpr. He lived for 2 hours more.
10 - My favorite meal is fondu - nothing compares. Nothing
11 - My favorite beer is Kokanee and Stilmore. Price heavily affects this decision (which is why my favorite beer was the dollar stuff in highschool)
12 - The first time I ever got drunk was when I was 16 and it was on Mike's Hard Lemonade. Of course, I felt guilty and mom and pop soon found out (coming home in a new shirt probably tipped them off).
13- I was on to Rammstein before anyone else.
14-I have a lucky toque that's been with me multiple times in Vegas, on the highest mountain in Europe, the back alleys of Amsterdam and the shady burroughs of High River. I have yet to wash this toque so I can only assume that I'm carrying a gazillion strains of the bird flu virus. Or something.
15- I'm a video game enthusiast - but moreso I'm a videogame industry enthusiast.
16- I currently freelancing for trade magazines concerning everything from relocation issues, to nursing, trucking and ontario's construction industry. Go ahead - ask me about the trade shortage. I dare you.
17- I've begun writing again for videogame websites. For free. But free games!
18 - My first job ever was delivering papers. Followed by delivering flyers. Then McDonalds's, Subway for a week (they didn't pay me), Tim Hortons, Microplay, IGA, A&W, Roger's Video, NIght shift at a retirement home, landscaper, some telephone survey place, Nelvana, children's television researcher, Waiter at the Firehall, Sam the Record Man, Camp Director at the YMCA, Video Instructor at Imagination Works Day Camp - and a few others that lasted a month.
19 - I hate olives
20 - Marijana believes I look like Dean Cain with my classes. I've been told this by other sources.
21 - I have never appeared in 'Lois and Clark'
22 - Last year I played Tito, a 40 year old Italian Opera Singer in the Peace River Player's production of 'Lend Me a Tenor' (produced by Mr. Chris Black)
23 - I will be attending the Athabasca Fringe Festival with Mr.Black and two other folks in our newly formed comedy troupe.
24- My degree is a Bachelor of Radio and Television Arts from Ryerson University
25- During this 4 year stint, I had the opportunity to write for Ed the Sock (he guest hosted a project of ours). I say that, but Ed chose to instead bash me as part of his gag. I am still in therapy.
26 - I have a growing dislike for comedy that relies on vulgarity. It's been done to death and nothing surprises me anymore.
27 - I can't watch really gory movies anymore.
28 - I have too many favorite movies to mention. It used to be just one - the Matrix - until they slaughtered the franchise. I had all the action figures. Sigh.
29 - My favorite TV Shows are 24, Heroes, Lost, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, the Apprentice, the Office, Arrested Development and, just recently, Buffy and the Wire.
30 - I read about 5 books at a time - right now they are Stardust (thanks Darren), Shadow of the Hegemon, Haunted (Chuck Paliniuk), Cell (Stephen King) and the Art of Meditation. Ironically, I have zero time or patience to continue reading the latter.
31 - I have never killed anyone. But I've thought of it - and i'm pretty sure I could get away with it.
32 - I believe the US is going crazy and that I better start learning the American Anthem for when they decide that they want our water.
33 - I believe that people are too polarized about the war in Iraq and that for any real progress to happen, we have to get down off our soapboxes and really take a look at what's going on.
34 - I vote PC, but last year I voted independent because PC scared me.
35 - I hate the word 'retarded' on so many levels. It's a nasty nasty word.
36 - I believe that there is a HUGE double standard when it comes to racial sensitivity. I can watch a black comedian say 'nigger' until he's blue in the face and be heralded as a genius, and yet similar uses in comedy by white comedians bring on accusations of bigotry and hate. Yes, there is a difference - but we cannot villify a word if its also become so overused and accepted in all forms of culture (music, tv, film, etc). Instead, I say get rid of it. It's a horrible word with a horrible past and all it does is break us off into little angry cliques.
37 - I believe that to say you are tolerant of homosexuality is akin to saying 'yeah, they're there, I guess I'll accept them'. People need to just 'be' with homosexuality. It's real, it's here and its a fact - not something that has to be voted in or adopted into culture.
38 - That said, I am happily moved in and in a serious relationship with the Croatian Sensation - Marijana. Sorry guys.
39 - I love talk radio more than music.
40 - I once wanted to be a detective. Then I wanted to be an actor. Now I want to be a husband and dad with a good writing job.
41 - I am not a dad. I think. I should write some people. Ha! Just kidding MJ! (tugs collar)
42 - I think Canadians are too wrapped up in Hockey. WAY too wrapped up in hockey. I mean - there could be a nuclear war and our angle in all our news would be how the NHL games were delayed. I think too many talented people are forced to head state side for money/fame just because they don't pick up a hockey stick. Screw it - I'm writing a post about this.
43 - On the same subject - I think Canada has to find a better identity than 'we're not the States'. We have a great Country with great people - but we eat, sleep, watch, listen and play in American culture too much to take the high road and call ourselves different. Argue all you want, but take a good luck at what makes up your day and ask yourself how much of that would exist without the states.
44 - I play devil's advocate too much and i know it. Though, my dad's a better devil's advocate than me.
45 - I'm an only child and was never that rebellious.
46 - My parents are still married and are an inspiration
47 - I just realized I have many more things to say
48 - I miss my friends back home but know that when I see them again and it will be like I never left.
49 - The smell of popcorn makes it hard for me to breathe
50 - And .... uhhh .... I can shoot air out of the corner of my eyeball.

Man - that took too long. Thanks for staying!