Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hot Rod - Cool Beans

I don't expect you to understand the context. Only that this scene from Hot Rod has been playing at the Anford household in rotation for the last week (last enjoyed while Pwning Noobs with Steve). Enjoy!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Big News

I finally beat the 5th level of Halo 3 on Legendary.

Oh - and I got engaged!
PSYCHE!
Since the photos from our amazing Disney Vacation are in the process of sitting in a camera waiting until we find a way to print digitals, I offer this accurate representation of how the event went down:

Yes - those are real fireworks as the question was popped at Epcot centre on the balcony of the Teppanyaki Japanese Restaurant. It was an amazing moment filled with a host of emotions from pure bliss to punch drunk love and 'holy sweet jesus I'm getting married'.

Suffice to say, wedding planning now occurs on a daily basis and will likely continue to do so until next November.

Me = very happy. Me = amazingly lucky. Me = taking donations.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Halo 3: Protips!

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.
Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.
So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.
Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'
Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Winner #2: Darren!

See?? Don't you wish you entered now? Our final winner is none other than Darren S. When asked how he'd like to be portrayed, he simply sent me a picture of him before a 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. The Skull and Bones is my nod to his extraordinary movie pirating skills.
NAPTA Forever!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Winner #1 Steve!

Presenting: Winner numero Uno: Steve from Mississauga (last name witheld due to pending gambling allegations).
Steve is almost usually studying for something on his way to become a psychogermawhatchamacallitologist - so he requested that I depict him as a lifetime student.
For you, buddy - aces up your sleeves and all...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Goodbye Little Buddy (Meatwad Dec 2005 - Sept 2007)

A moment of silence for the coolest, calmest and downright cutest hamster ever.

Last friday night, our little friend passed away quietly and quickly in the presense of MJ and Myself.
In retrospect, it was the best we could have hoped for. Meatwad had contracted pneumonia and despite our positive thinking, extra lovin' and well wishes, we just couldn't pull her through. Finally, and while in the comfort of a blanket between us, she let go and we had the honor of being there and holding her as she did.
It's funny how attached you get to the smallest of things without thinking. Yeah, she's a hamster and yes she may not have been on her way to curing cancer, but over the past two years she became a honorary third member in our little Alberta family.
She was a constant source of amusement. A unpredictable ball of fuzz that continued to surprise us in her action, reactions and unmistakable character. Yes, she had character. Everyone who met the little gal knew that while she may not have been the most intelligent creature on earth, she was certainly one that broke the mold.
It's hard to describe, so I won't. Needless to say she wasn't just a hamster, she was Meatwad - and we'll miss the crap out of her.
On a slightly humorous/surreal note, she also led us on a bit of an adventure after her death. We decided that it would be best to bury her that night and in a local favorite park. Unfortunately for us, it was midnight, it was raining and the only tools at our disposal were a hammer, a keychain flashlight, shoebox and duct tape.
You can imagine how odd it was when a car passed by and found me walking into the woods with a hammer and roll of duct tape. We quickly decided to find a more isolated location and began what would turn out to be an hours worth of digging. (And they make it look so easy on TV).

Long story short, if you're ever in Red Deer, MJ and I would be more than happy to walk you by the rock which now marks the spot of our late best friend.

Contest Winners

Unfortunately the contest is a bit marred by other events (see above), but there are still winners to be announced and, damnit, I'm going to announce them.
In a tie: Darren S and Steve H

I ask both of these fine blog-reading folks to email me within the next day or two and put in their requests for how they'd like to be drawn (if any). I.e Darren - you can be a pirate. Steve - you can be the Cuban president.

Whatever your hearts can dream...let me know...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Keep Em Coming!

The entries, I mean. Keep em coming! And if you don't know what I mean, head down a post and check out the contest.

Also, and if you really can't stand wading through a year of immensely entertaining posts, you could always copy the answers posted in the comment section by someone who obviously has complete disregard for policies and procedures. Still, they may not be right. (And I'm hoping they aren't so I don't have to commit myself to drawing a 'giant package').

Shudder.
In the meantime, kiddies, thought I'd rant a bit about Nintendo.
Now, to begin, you have to know that I pretty much grew up on Nintendo. I was the generation that called it 'Super Mario BrAs' because I didn't know 'Bros.' was a short form of 'Brothers'. Tecmo Superbowl was my afternoon activity and Super Smash Brothers was the only way Steve and I could decide who would do the essential work in our lovely downtown apartment (i.e dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry, feeding the hamster).
*I should note that because of Steve's uncanny ability to find the most cheapest moves in any game (I'm looking at you fan abuser), my wins were few and far between. Which is why, when I look back on things, I probably got into RPG's and other single player outings.*
In any case, what I'm saying is that I was a Nintendo fanboy before the word 'fanboy' crapped itself into the Videogame Lexicon. So you have to believe me when I say that it pains me now to fire a shot against the big N.
But I will. Because someone has to. And there's literally nothing left to do at work.
p.s: A note to Newcap readers - I'm kidding.
So here it is. Nintendo - you've become a dick (See picture above of your negligent-pop-culture whoring). Seriously, you've grown far, far FAR too self-important for your own good and its time to knock you down a peg.

Now, here's where I should be launching into a tirade. And that was the plan until I realized that I posted a similar entry like this at 1up.com. And no, you didn't know it existed because no one read it. So I thought I'd share it with you today:

It begins:

Dear Nintendo,

I've had it up to here with the whole Nintendo Superiority complex, And by 'here', I mean 'mid-neck level' - so while not 'extremely annoyed', I'm not beyond punching the next Nintendo Fanboy in the throat for talking about how Wii sports changed the way we play games. And this is my main problem. It seems like every Wii automatically comes with a soapbox and inflated sense of what it means to be a TRUE GAMER (insert reverb and heroic music).Time magazine even featured the damn thing as if it were the cure for Cancer. People, can we look at this from beyond sales stats and extremely inflated word of mouth? It's a controller for craps sake. Granted, being able to faithfully reproduce physical movements in a virtual medium is a cool trick, it's certainly nowhere near the leaps and bounds in innovation seen elsewhere in the industry. I'm talking about innovations in online play, storytelling, gameplay mechanics, length, audio and graphics. And yes, graphics matter.
Put aside your snobdom for a second and look at this rationally. Better graphics equal better immersion. And I don't care how cool it is to shoot soldiers by flicking your wrist, if they look like jagged zombies, I'm going to switch systems in a flash.

(Whoa! It's like I'm in a REAL game!)
This, in a nutshell, is why I opted for an XBOX 360 instead of a Wii; substance - something beyond mini games and shoehorned controls. I want polish, a sense of epic production values and something new. Good god something new! Sure, for some people it may be fun waiting for those 2 or 3 Zelda/Metroid/Mario titles to show up every 2 years or so, but for me it's like waiting in the cheap theatre for some umpteenth sequel when I could be in the new megaplex watching something new.
Ok, bad analogy.
Here's the deal, my Wii friends have been defending the system since they got it. But what are they playing now? Virtual console games and old gamecube titles. Does that make sense? I thought this system was supposed to be a revolution? So why is there such a heavy emphasis on downloading games you could have easily emulated or bought in the last 2 decades? Oh - I know...because aside from the superb first party franchises, all that's left are 3rd party ports, mini game retreads and disney movie adaptations.

THIS is why Nintendo is dominating the market? What are they putting in the punch??Now just so I'm clear - I don't hate Nintendo. I really do WANT to want the Wii, but I don't want to do it because the sales are at a record high and I'm a giant game hating technophobe if I don't. Motion sensing does not an innovate game make. It's so many other things and, quite frankly, Nintendo just isn't delivering on their promise. Now, if you'll excuse me, Oblivion calls.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

100th Post Spectacular!


Yes. 100 posts. Roughly a 1:10 ratio of readers to posts, but an achievement all the same!
Huzzah!
So what to do at 100 posts? Hold the very first contest of course! Merely by searching back through past posts (face it, you have nothing better to do), you can win a chance to see your cartoon image front and centre on the SomethingBradford screen!
'What's that' you say?! A FREE Matt-made picture? Of ME? Yes...it's true and all you have to do is correctly answer 5 of the 6 questions below to qualify. Oh - and you have to comment. No emails. No random mentions in the hall. Down and dirty commenting.

So here we go!

1- What is my official Pimp Name? (Hint: 2006)
2- Recite 3 lines from 'Ode to Dick Superman'
3- Name at least 1 game I wrote a review for: (Bonus points if you use the word 'visionary', 'best' or 'unbelievably entertaining' in reference to review.
4-When did Meatwad make her comic Debut?
5-Who won in the Great Jack Bauer Vs. Die Hard Guy battle?
6-Who officiated over my parents' wedding vow renewal?

Good luck and god speed. I'll give you a day or so.

*UPDATE: Its been brought to my attention that posting your answers in the comment section would be pretty stupid considering all one would have to do is wait for the first person to answer. Therefore, please email all answers instead to matto2000@hotmail.com.
Still...you can comment...if you want.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Mocha in

I know I'm totally going to be the father who shows pictures of his kids about 20 million times a day.
Everyone will be at their desks and I'll come in the room and they'll turn to each other and say 'shit, I bet he has new pictures. Damnit Bradford!'
So on that note - more hamster business. I couldn't NOT post this .... right?

*Update: This isn't Meatwad nor is it me. Come on, like I'd use heart flash wipes in a video. Puhleeease*

*Update 2: apparantly by attempting to edit this post, I erased the video. If you were really interested, look up 'Mocha' and 'Hamster' on Youtube.

Metazoa Ludens

Last night I had a dream about taking Meatwad outside to play amongst the grass, rocks and dirt. It was cute.
Then I saw this and nearly shat.
Nearly.
I'm hoping this can be scaled down, developed and marketed for a reasonable price in Meatwad's lifetime because, damn, mixing videogames AND meatwad? A dream come true.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

AB Post Clarification

Just to clarify a few questions brought to me by various readers.

i) It did not take that long to find the pictures of the ads. Thus, I was not 'looking for male ads on the internet' for longer than, say, 3 minutes.
ii) No, that last picture is not of me.
iii) I have just now deleted both pictures from my hard-drive at work.
iv) I'm not sure if 'hard-drive' is hyphonated.
v) Not so much an answer, but an edit. So as to ensure that people don't get the wrong idea about this blog, I'm attaching the following picture.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Wanted: My Abs

LOST: 1 Set of Rockin' Ads









(Artist Representation)

REWARD: Negotiable
LAST SEEN: Sometime around Summer of 2000 - near the Ryerson Pub and/or the Young Street Pizza Pizza.
Likely in hiding with 'Innocence', 'Youth' and 'Care-free Summer days of Life'
DETAILS: Infrequent trips to the gym and half assed, self-made dieting programs have failed to locate my abs. Please, if you have seen my abs, or recall being impressed by them in the past (even remotely), contact Marijana Ancic immediately to confirm their existance and, more importantly, that there is still a chance of their return.

COMPUTER AGED RECREATION:

(again, artist representation. Though closer)


CONTACT: Me. But leave a message. I'll probably be playing videogames.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Hellooooooooooo

Holy Crap! I have a blog...
Is what I realized this morning when dear Mama said she'd read it last week. And then I thought 'Holy Crap, I haven't written anything in a month' followed by 'I wonder if everyone on the Island is actually dead' because I was catching up on lost season 3.
ANYWAYS
So here's my question to you: Who still reads this crap? If YOU do, please leave a quick comment.
Sure, ideally I should blog for the love of blogging (and I really do enjoy it), but the addition of a ladyfriend and XBOX360 in my life means that there's more pulls on my free time.
Long story short, leave a message after the beep...

beep.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Athabasca Photo Fest '07


Last weekend, Aunt Martha's Fist made their debut at the Athabasca Fringe Festival. Here are the photos.
You'll notice Jan (the talented photographer) is in crutches towards the end. Lesson of the weekend: don't cannonball in 1 foot high water.
Have fun looking - we certainly had fun performing.
And for all pictures (not just MJ and I and whomever was next to us) and troupe info (book us at your party!) visit http://www.welkeplace.com/
First up: Rehearsal at the farm. (Not pictured: me getting violated by the electric fence). Performance pictures will be posted later.


Friday, July 27, 2007

New Review!


For those who care, I occasionally write Video Game reviews for the fun peeps at Canoe.ca's Wham! Gaming.


It's no Mark Twain, but if you want to kill a few seconds and have a read, let me know what you think.

Someday, I'd like to do this for money. In the mean time, free games certainly don't hurt. (P.S If anyone actually owns The Bigs on XBOX360, let me know and we'll have a game).

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Hip Hop Kids





Who'd have thunk that one of my favorite comedians this year would have been Justin Timberlake. Not me, that's who.
But here I am linking to yet another SNL sketch (from the same christmas special) that I can't help but love.
To me, there's a few different types of SNL sketches: the really long political ones, the character pieces and the insanely goofy stuff they leave until the end in case they need something to cut.
Well...let's just say, I'm glad they didn't cut this one....although I can see why they may have been a littly iffy about showing it.
So enjoy. It took me a little while to find it. Here's hoping NBC doesn't arrest my sketch embedding ass.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Tough As Nails Showdown










Look - I'm not saying Jack Baeur may have lost his title as king bad ass, all I'm saying is that after watching the latest Die Hard last night, I'm pretty sure John McCain could give him a run for his money.

But, instead of just speculating, I thought it would be best to perform a purely scientific comparison between the two.


Catch Phrases
Jack: Damnit.
John: Yippee Kayeh Mutherfucker (sp?)
Winner: Jack. From a pure quantity over quality angle, Jack's been known to make ample use of his trademark 'damnit' 10 times per scene (i.e "Damnit Chloe, I need those Satellites", "Damnit Bill, I need access." or "Damnit, my man-purse is missing." Then there's John who only occasionally mutters his just before delivering the final cumuppins to his nemisis. One could argue that this refined use make's John's a little more poignant, but since the catchphrase in its entirety was not heard in the last movie, I must unfortunately announce the first disqualification. Hence: Jack wins. Damnit!

Personality
Jack: While 'depressingly stoic' technically counts a personality, it's likely that Jack is often 'mistakenly' left out of a majority of CTU social functions.
John: Sure, he's an asshole, but he's an asshole with a heart and shucks, that's what counts.
Winner: John. Sure fighting terrorists is a little hard on the soul, but where Jack scampers around like a stressed-out hamster, John has a little more fun with his danger.

Attire
Jack: Man-purse
John: Whatever he was wearing before shit went down.
Winner: John. True, I'm a man-purse fan myself, but if we're really gunning for badass here, it's best to leave the nail clippers at home.

Ability to down helicopters
Jack: Proficient with helicopter shooting abilities, yes.
John: Uses cars as projectiles because, quote 'I was out of bullets'
Winner: John. Shooting down helicopters is sooo 2002. Using a police car as a cannon? That's the future, my friends.

Ability with Computers
Jack: Excellent. Nary a terrorist, renegade political leader or hard drive can escape Jack's PDA skills.
John: "I'm not too good with this computer shit". Nuff said.
Winner: Jack. An unfair category? Maybe. But considering the technological requirements of today's heros, John should be taking it onto himself to at least enroll in a couple college courses. He's a timex in a digital age. Hah! I made that one up. Actually, no I didn't. It's in the movie.

The 'Walk it Off Factor'
Jack: Once thought impervious to pain, Jack Baeur has indeed shown signs of 'hurting' and or 'sadness' on occasion. Of course, these are few and far between and usually always following 24 hours of beatings, deaths, car crashes, drug addictions, starvation, exhaustion and sexual frustration.
John: More likely to laugh than show pain after getting shot, John has a scary ability to survive the most dangerous of situation and be found bouncing along like he just woke up from a nap in the next scene.
Winner: Jack. Although both have displayed an amazing ability to recover from the most dangerous stunts, Jack has had a few rougher days than John and is still not injured in the slightest or bat shit insane. Then there's the whole 'saving the United States immediately following his 3 year imprisonment in a Chinese torture camp' that gives him the edge needed to take the category.

Luck with the Ladies
Jack: Sketchy at best. Jack has had a few romantic interests, but few have a) survived or b) not fallen into a coma. In all, Jack is most likely to be using his PDA for less noble activities after-hours.
John: Also sketchy. Spends a little too much time saving his ex's ass than getting some of his own. Except in the last movie; nary a boob to be seen.
Winner: Tie. Sure, Jack's snuck a kiss or two in CTU hallways, but neither's track record is anything spectacular. I guess that's the whole 'tortured hero' thing for you.

Conclusion: An unintentional tie. Seriously - I was hoping to convince myself that Jack was still the man, but doing the tally I see that he has truly met his match.

Oh, wait! 1 more category:

Hair
Jack: Neatly coiffed.
John: None.
Winner. Jack.

Thatta boy Jack!!

Friday, July 13, 2007

What Were They Thinking: Episode 1

I like saying 'Episode 1' because it implies that I will be keeping this up (a) and 'b' it kind of kicks me in the ass to do so.That said - it's time for the first installment of 'Inside the Mind' the time when I look at promotional posters and ask "Hey Matt, What do you think they're thinking?"

First up Cuba Gooding Junior:
"Just to confirm...we're sure Eddie Murphay wasn't your first choice right? Hey, any of you guys remember when I won that Oscar? You know I can act right? No? No problem. Hey, if you have any friends, please tell them I'm available if, you know, they have a movie or something. No biggy."


Second up: Billy Corgan

"Hey guys, this is broody right? I mean, this it what the kids are into. Zeitgeist? Sure they'll get it. No, I don't really know what it means. Oh. It means that? So being out of the scene for years probably makes this album name sound completely contradictory. Bummer. Hmm. I Got it. Hank, can I borrow your neon cross? I totally want to make a vague christian reference. Kids like angst right? God I hope I'm still relevant."
Third:


"Damnit. The dryer. I turned off the dryer right? Think, Optimus, Think. Took out the clothes, shut the door and then ... shit. I hope Bumblebee signed those apartment insurance papers. Note to self: take out chicken."


"What do you mean the title of this movie is a crack at my career? You name me one time I ever played an 'no silly business rough-around-the-edges cop' forced to take on an extrodinary situation and I'll...what's that? You can name ten off the top of your head? Oh. Look, let's shoot this so I start filming that new movie where I play a rugged cop who has to ... shit!"

Oritz: "I'm so going to mangle the shit out of you.
Shamrock: "Not before I tear your ass up in front of the world.
Oritz: "Hey, is that Kalvin Klein?"
Shamrock: "Smells good eh?"
Oritz: "Yeah, it does. Walmart?"
Shamrock: "London Drugs."
Oritz: "I have to there tonight to pick up Sleep-E-Z for Nancy, maybe I'll pick some up."
Shamrock: "Good idea. I love you."
Oritz: "What?"
Shamrock: "I love ... the game. I love this sport. Is what I meant.
Oritz: "...good."

Well that's all for today...please send requests to matto2000@hotmail.com

Damnit Blogger!

Damn you Blogger. Won't let me add pictures of my own eh? EH? Well I'll show you.
Yeah.
Uh....please come back. Blog is under repair. I'd have a picture of a guy in a hardhat working on a computer, but yeah...assholes.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Back From the Easy

Well, I'm back from my adventures in the East.
Yes, a week with the ole parents did wonders and I'm ready to take on life with a fresh new outlook and a full reserve of wide-eyed determination.
Yeah.
In a nutshell, I learned the following during my vacation:

-Things change, situations change, relationships change, but people - not so much. Maybe at the surface level, yes, but no big surprises and I couldn't be happier.
- Transformers is fan-freakin-tastic
- Fantastic Four - not so much
- Sleeman Original Draft is a good beer
- I've gotten worse at Poker
- Likewise Super Smash Brothers (f**ing fan)
- Absense does make the heart grow fonder
- My parent's definition of 'chilly' is largely exaggerated
- Niagara Falls gets better with age
- And so does a relationship with good friends and family. Awwww.

When I get back into the swing of things, I'll have some fancy entries. In the meantime, I'm absolutley loving the 'Cloverfield' movie trailer. I'd link to it, but it's pretty hard to find a copy now that hasn't been taken down. Do yourself a favor and look -

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Mika Brzezinski of MNSBC rips Paris report

Thank you jeebus. Finally someone on a major news network with enough integrity to stop the madness. Look, I know it's all about the bottom line, but opting to put Paris on the top of the headlines for sashaying (sp?) out of jail just speaks to a massive mix-up in priorities. What next? "Thousands Dies In MudSlide. Says Hotel Heiress: That's Not Hot. Her Story Pg.2".
Ridiculous.
Now, whether or not this lady will be raked over the coals by the powers above her is another thing altogether and the cynic in me says she'll have to make an apology or something very soon.
In the meantime - you get my 'Matt's Favorite Lady Who I Never Heard of Before Award'. Be honored, it's not like I just make these things up.

P.S Did you notice I managed to get the video and blog in the SAME POST? I'm evolving people. Please send your sponsorships asap.

P.S.S: Thanks to Phil for putting me on to this video.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Digital Line

Poppa Bradford and I have this re-occuring debate on censorship. His point is that we can't impose censorship on some things and not others. It just doesn't work. Doing so, says wise ole pops, allows for personal biases, politics, religion and trends to enter the equation. That is, how does one judge what can or cannot be consumed by our culture and how did they get to be the one to decide?


All in all, his answer is simple; no censorship.

And, hell, that scares me.
I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but I'm holding out for a middle ground that appeals to free speech and the need to keep society at least somewhat accountable for its goings on.
Take the recent ban on Manhunt 2 for instance (you had to know this was leading back to videogames).
In a nutshell, Britain has altogether banned the game from distribution on the grounds of it's graphic portrayal of murder. In the game (as far as I can tell, as I've only played the first and the second is now mired in controversy), you play a man who is rewarded for each of his human kills. The bloodier and more depraved, the better.
In the Wii version, one would (as of press time) use the controller to mimic stabbings and throat cuttings. Nice huh?

Obviously, the reactionary video game crowd is all in a frenzy over this 'absurd attack on free speech' and I can somewhat see their point. 'Torture-porn' is the newest craze at the box office and there are television shows depicting the exact same thing.

Herein the issue becomes the degree of influence. In this case, the medium calls on the player to assume the role of murderer and, in turn, work towards a goal of murdering human beings in order to progress.

So, ok, dirty stuff--but nothing that hasn't been done before...right? Maybe. With graphics nearing picture perfect quality, the argument can be made that Manhunt 2 is the most 'real' portrayal of murder. This is bloody, gritty and each face and cut wound has been rendered in beautiful 1080p.


Then there's this....where is the line? If gamers are arguing for free speech and the right to perform whatever acts a developer can dream up, at what point do our moral compasses point to censorship? Will the same videogame martyrs defend a game that allows one to become a pedophile? What about a child muderer? Because, hey, it's just a videogame...right?


See...it's a question of how far we're willing to fly the free speech banner. Personally, I'd like think that everyone could handle a totally non-censored culture, but there are depraved sickos out there and we are influenced by media so there has to be a degree of social responsibility for the acts in which we participate.

Eventually, one game would come along that would test our patience, and I fear that if Manhunt 2 isn't that game, that we can all expect something much much worse to truly test where we stand.
Now, maybe the states have got it right by imposing an 'Adults Only' ban on the game. Then again, what defines an adult? Age? If so, then we disregard the fact that some adults are about as immature and ill-equipped as twelve year olds.
It's a muddy muddy situation. And before we go fighting for the right to murder, I think we have to put our own soapboxes aside and look at this not as 'The Man against Videogames' but 'Where We'll Draw the Line' - because if you ask me...if we aren't drawing the line here, where will it be drawn?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Oh! And One More

Got some good viewing suggestions in response to the blog - including one from Steve 'I Pee Myself To Compensate For Townhouse Heat' Howard (long story).
That is - Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares
Actually, he said 'Hell's Kitchen', but the one I wanted to mention was this gem of a reality show that basically sheds the whole 'competition' aspect and just goes for straight cursing and beligerance.
Now, imagine if you will, watching a show about an angry drunk hobo who goes into restaurants and proceeds to verbally sodomize everyone in the kitchen. Now, imagine that this drunk hobo is actually a world famous chef who might actually have some good points and that's the basic premise.
A standard scene involves our good chef waxing poetic about the state of a restaurant and then cutting to him cursing like a drunk uncle in the back. i.e

Exterior: The Bradford Bed and Breakfast.
Ramsey (V.O): This quaint homage to old school simplicities benefits from a nice location. I really don't see a problem there...its inside the kitchen where the true modern horrors await me...
CUT TO: KITCHEN
RAMSEY and the HEAD CHEF discuss strategy
Ramsey: You stupid talentless f*ing whore. I've tasted hairy cock sacks that have more taste than this f*ing shite. You deserve to f*ing die you piece of lard ass scab cocker.

Yeah. It's hella fun to watch and I suggest you do as well. Thanks to Steve for reminding me. Also, to donate to Steve's cause, please visit http://www.adultbedwetting.org/

(UPDATE!!: Sweet mother of god do not click that link. What started as a joke has caused me a sleepless night)

Friday, June 15, 2007

TV To Waste Summer By

Since all I seem to do lately is bitch and moan about celebrities and Hip-Hop, I thought I'd return to my roots and talk a little 'tube (That's TV for hip kids).

Now that most shows have finished up for a season, there's a tendancy to get outside and enjoy the fresh open air...sure....if you're a nerd.
True lazy bastards know that Summer is the penultimate time to catch up on the TV you missed or never bothered watch.
And if I may suggest...
THE WIRE
HBO's answer to derivitate crime dramas. Each season focuses one case and follows it through from the little threads to full out raids. As a plus, half of the Wire focuses on the 'other half' aka the gang bangers and urban drug czars who are in the ole cat and mouse game with a rag tag team of drug enforcers.
It takes a while to clue in to the all the lingo and police politics, but those who follow through the entire 12 episode arc, will feel satisfied with the journey. One of those 'oh shit, the episodes over? Well I guess I have time to watch the next one' shows. (tm).

VERONICA MARS
Sadly, Veronica Mars has officially been cancelled - thankfully not before finishing out their third season. I'll have to let you know if its a good wrap-up as I've yet to see/download it, but from what I can tell you, this is simply one of the most fun shows to watch. Mayhaps I've written about this before, but I repeat - if you like smart, funny and dark, this is the show to beat. Of course, like every show that doesn't cater to poop and sex jokes, this didn't get the following it needed or deserved. Rather, it developed a nice base of rabid fans who are now sending Mars Bars to TV execs in a Jericho-ish effort to revive the season. And for good cause. Each season follows a Buffy-like Veronica Mars and her P.I Father through one giant mystery cut up with a host of equally enjoyed and original storylines. Written with a pop-culture flare and definitely for those who dig serials, Veronica Mars is smart TV fun.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Hands down one of the funniest comedies to be axed from the FOX Network in favor of shitty shitty realty programming. Loaded with self-references, inside jokes, sarcasm and downright odd brilliance, Arrested Development follws the downfall of the affluent Bluth family and the subsequent bedlam that ensues...or something. Either way, you have to really watch each episode about 10 times to get every single joke, sight gag and deeply embedded reference. Think the absurd coincidental storytelling of Seinfeld with some of the strangest but funniest writing you've seen. Oh, did I mention I'm a fan? Favorite character: GOB. You'll see.

NIP TUCK

Granted, I'm just barely 7 episodes into the first season, but there's something special about this drama about two 'friends' who run a plastic surgery ... uh, store? What's great about Nip Tuck is that just when it seems to be cliche, it surprises you with great character twists and shocking directions. You'll have to get used to watching some fairly brutal surgery, but you'll also be treated to supermodel-breasts...which are in turn ruined by the fact that you saw them being put in...therefore the point of the show I suspect. Either way, I hasten to call Nip Tuck 'fun', but it's definitely one of those shows that stays with you long after you even want it to.

The War At Home


Not since Married With Children has the middle class life been so expertly-
Ah, just kidding, this show sucks magnificent balls. Please do not watch.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Free Paris! Free Paris

Somehow I'm opposed to everything Nancy Grace has to say. It's like her shrill holier-than-thou voice broadcasts some weird signal which scrambles my logic centres and just generally puts me in polar opposition from anything she rallies against.
She could have a show devoted to saving the whales and that night I'd be chowing down on flipper.
Yeah, it's that bad.
So when she began her crusade against Paris Hilton, I couldn't help but take the opposite view.
That is - is this really justice?
I mean...let's set aside our natural prejudice for famous people who have no right to be famous and let's look at this from a human point of view. In the beginning, I wanted her to hang. I wanted her to not only serve the full 43 days, but I wanted full updates on how much she is suffering...and I don't think I'm alone.
But is this natural? Is the desire to see people suffer justified....ever? Granted, driving drunk is about the stupidest thing anyone can do and she deserves her kummupins of some sort, but punishing her doubly for the ineptitude of one sheriff seems a little out of place.
I mean, she was let out of jail, what was she supposed to do? What would anyone do?
"Sorry, I believe I am being wrongfully released, please keep me here?"
No. That's ludicrous. She got a break - yeah, but how the hell is it her fault that she was released early? This was a foul up on the prison end, not hers, but we're a bloodthirsty bunch and we just have to beat her back into submission at the slightest sign that our mob justice wasn't satisfied.
Look - I'm no Paris fan. In fact, I was waiting for something like this to knock her down a peg. That said, it's already been noted that 2 to 3 days is a normal sentance for her offense and I'm afraid this swift punishment to her early release is more of a political move than a fair one.
We love when celebrities screw up, and we always cry bloody murder when they get away with it. All I'm saying is that we should be careful not to shift our vision of justice the entire opposite way just because we love seeing talentless pointless celebrities burn. We're better than that...right?
I say let her serve 20 days, let her have her breakdown and when she gets released, instead of following her every move waiting for her to screw up again, let's just ignore her. Maybe that's true celebrity justice.
As for Nancy Grace, well, I'll just have to learn to not care.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Rihanna - Umbrella

Post 80 (Feat. Rant)

(Note: The Above Video should have been in this post, but I've given up on trying to figure out how to do so. Anyone?)


Admittidly, I'm not the biggest hip-hop/R&B/gansta life music fan. In fact, after watching a direct music video feed at a club in Vancouver last week I was ready to rant about downright lazy the whole damn genre had become. I mean, take away the music (which is what happens in a noisy club) and all you see for 30 odd minutes is a parade of 'rough street smart' guys mugging for a camera in the middle of a street while underdressed 18 year old street walkers cleaned his car(s). Oh, and don't forget the rainfalls of money (which, for all of Alberta's shitty weather patterns I have yet to see).

Anyways - long story short, the genre wasn't impressing me. And it wasn't just the videos, it was the songs...the same damn sentiment time and time again "It was rough, I'm rough, now I'm screwing supermodels and selling million dollar albums. Also - I can't eat much because I have coated my teeth in metal".

BUT THE REAL point of this post is because I actually started to like a few artists here and there...mainly female artists who brought at least something resembling structure, harmony and thought to the music.S o imagine my suprise when I download this Rihanna song only to be treated to this right off the top (edit: see Above)

I'm sorry...did I download a podcast? Was the song that hard to understand thematically that Jay-Z had to come out and explain it to me?

Then I realized this is one of the reasons why I've avoided hip-hop: because of self-promoting nonsense like this. How many times have I had a reasonably fun/good Hip Hop song interrupted by the producer or some remotely famous artist doing his own interpretation right in the middle of the damn song?

It's like they record these guys singing in the shower to the song and then mix together both tracks for one crazy cool final product. No! You don't see Ozzy Osborne suddenly appearing in a Rob Zombie video yelling 'Sharon! Sharon!' - why? Because Rob Zombie can stand by himself - just like Rihanna can do her own shit without having to be molded once more into 'Rap Female Bot 3000' while her master parades around her.


And its not just Rihanna...in my limited Hip Hop history knowledge, I can recall a good number of songs which were great by themselves but just had to feature 'So and So' to validate being in the industry. Stop it. Let the woman sing, damnit! Save the macho parading for your own stuff and let the genre evolve! It's like watching some drunk uncle show up to his niece's battle of the bands and take over the stage.

So that's that. I propose a band on the word 'Feat.' in a music title. If you are too lazy to do your own stuff, don't shoehorn yourself into another artist's stuff just because you happen to a) think everyone was just dying to find out where you'd pop up next b) were in the studio that day or c) you think that doing any work on the album automatically buys you a free ticket to talk over the main tracks.

Thanks - Matt (Feat. Dirty Bizzle B)

Monday, May 28, 2007

2 Years With the Croatian Sensation

Well today's the big landmark - 2 years dating MJ. 1 Year and a bit in Peace River and nearly a year living together.
For those counting that's 2 freakin' years. 2! But great years they've been and (although cliche) things keep getting better.
So since I'm sure she doesn't read this anyways (ok, she says she does, but like everyone else, never comments) I thought I'd detail how we met in a totally biased retelling.

Flashback 2 years ago.
The scene: Moon Saloon, Peace River.
Imagine that one bar in the shitty part of town where you'd only go to if everything else had a line up and/or they had cheap beer. Now imagine the patrons peeing on cop cars outside and you've got a good idea of Peace River's number 1 (and only) club.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's reverse to 6 hours earlier.
It was friday - and as with every friday, us cheap writers had made a tradition of heading to the only buffet in town. It was a Chinese Buffet, but looking back, it was pretty much 5 different ways of cooking chicken and the option of rice or salad. In any case, I had invited MJ (the cute new news lady) out to our tradition and, lo and behold, she actually joined us.

Buoyed by this mini-success I promptly made like a man and told another girl that I 'liked her' and if she could suss out the situation that night at the going away party for one of our writers. You know, what girls do best.

Yep - I was that smooth.
Fast forward a few hours and we were finishing up a meal while I was making painful conversation about MJ's cell phone and how the little cartoon at the beginning was kind of cute. It was my 'A' game to be sure, but she bit and when it came time to move locations she made it quite obvious that she was at least willing to give me a chance:

Me: I don't know if I'm going out tonight.
Her: No, you're going out tonight. And you're driving me.

Jackpot! In an effort to help a good cause, my good buddies Trent and Heather lent me their car for the occasion and I was able to give MJ the first of many rides. Ba-doom-ching!

Once we arrived at the moon saloon, the girl I had confessed to about MJ wasted no time in dragging her to the washroom for a girls talking following which I bought a few drinks and coerced her into dancing for a couple slow country songs. She accepted and the night ran its natural course (which for the moon saloon ment 80+ guys went home sexually frustrated while the 2 or 3 actual females passed out behind the air conditioner out back).

At about 2am, it was decided that I would be driving a boat load of drunk people home - MJ included (though not drunk as others as she had to work in 3 hours). Thanks to some creative mapping, she was the last person I'd drop off and while we wouldn't end the night with a kiss (that was the next day) we did simultaneously ask each other out. I'd like to think I made the initial 'would you...' but she'll tell you different.

Flash forward 2 years and here we are. And to you, MJ, if you actually read this - thanks for everything and for everything still to come.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Shrekked Off


And open letter to Shrek's Marketing Team: Stop. Seriously...put the CGI down.
Though I haven't sat down with the numbers, I'm fairly sure that the number of animated Shrek commercials equals - nay exceeds - the actual amount of animation for the movie. I can't turn a channel now without seeing Donkey and Shrek whore themselves out for something else.
And an overweight shit-eating ogre as the mascot for healthy eating at McDonalds? Huh?
Look - marketing is fine - business is business, but Shrek was a franchise that catered to a more jaded / sarcastic audience who had their fill of machine made movies and enjoyed the slanted take on the genre.
Now, its become THAT VERY GENRE. Shrek 3 looks to me like nothing more than a toy/M&M/videogame/happy meal selling vehicle.
I have fond memories of the first Shrek. I took my mom to it for Mother's Day. We laughed. It was new. Fresh.
Now...this:

Shrek's dignity brought to you by the New 2008 Ford Escape

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Link Lot Special Edition

Many people ask me: "Matt, how do you do it? How do you blog twice, nay, nearly 3 times a week?"
A daunting task, I know. And like a magician, I can't give away my secrets, but I can tell you that much of the process relies on extreme web savvy and a knack for finding inspiration in the smallest of internet pearls.
That and I'm this damned computer far too much.

Now, In a very special Link post, I thought I'd paste the 7 ten sites that are currently doing the best job at keeping me busy and/or distracted. I did this before, so I apologize for the overlap (if there's any). Either way, If you've read this blog before and remotely like what I have to say, I'm sure you'll enjoy these suggestions:

In no order:
Kotaku: Recently one of Jack Thompson's latest targets, this gaming blog is a fairly comprehensive round up of all things videogame - without the inflated reviews and finely tuned marketing.
The Consumerist: Remember those 60 minute exposes where they bring in a truck for repairs and secretly videotape the mechanics screwing over the customer? This site is kind of like that...except smarter and more about how not to be screwed over.
Gametap: In the 'Where Were You My Whole Life' comes this gem of a site. For a small price, you can play about 800 games; some new, some old, some classic. It's like a full library of games at your fingertips without the pesky illegal downloading business.
This American Life: A nice light podcast about, well, life. Sounds frou frou, I know, but its appeal to the zeitgeist of the everyday man is instant. Awesome - I finally used the word zeitgeist. And probably wrong. Anyways, I believe that they're charging for current podcasts, but older ones can be streamed for free. And given that there's nearly 3 years of archives, I'm sure you'll find a few to keep you busy.
Press the Action Button: I rarely read videogame reviews anymore (except my own on canoe.ca ...PLUG PLUG), but I've always loved reading bad ones. Here, they attack a few gaming legends and usually with good cause. Are they just trying to be hip and counter-culture? Maybe. Do they ramble a bit? Maybe. Are they the most interesting reviews to read lately? Definitely.
Funny or Die: Like digg for comedy sketches. Current favorites include anything by 'Human Giant' and Will Ferrill's (no, I'm not going to bother spellchecking that) 'Landlord'.
Kitty Cannon: Still the game of choice for NewCap radio's crack creative team. Also how we determine who gets water.

And so...that's that. Have fun and let them know who sent you.

Friday, May 11, 2007

TV Shopping


I know, I know - in a world of global warming, prolonge wars, rampant racism and worldwide famine, the least of my worries should be television shopping.
But here we are.
I remember about 6 years ago getting the 'new TV' itch, counting up my hard earned Roger's Video money and purchasing a 27" behemoth. At that time, my only options were base color, size and whether or not I wanted to include some crappy factory reject VCR.
Easy. Simple. Cheap.
Now - not so much.
A funny thing happens when you have to spend a lot of money in a short amount of time...you get used it. So - after moving expenses, plane tickets and new clothes I've now got a new tv on the brain and about a zillion or so options to wade through.
Plasma, LCD, Projection, DLP, LLD, Super VCD, LOL, Mononeucleotic HD Scan Progressive Plexi-form Neuromax 3000, etc.
Try asking a best buy employee which one is best and, low and behold, it's the $1800 model they just got in last week. Lo and behold - I don't have 1800 to spend and no one has yet to convince me that I SHOULD spend nearly 2 grand on a product most admit WILL FAIL in 5 years.
Seriously, its like the designed each new tv with one feature that will blow out, fade or rip in 5 years time. Damn you consumers! Damn you for buying into this and making my enjoyment of big screen videogaming that much more expensive and complicated.
Add on the fact that I'll have to subscribe to an HD service,purchase HD cables and replace my internal organs with HD-ready parts, what was once a simple quest for a bigger picture has become and entire living room renovation.
Sigh.
Though I guess if this was the only thing I could think to bitch about, things could be a lot worse.
In the meantime - opinions? Suggestions? Donations?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Meatwad's Opus

Presenting the world premier of Meatwad's first publishing.

aka: We put her on my laptop keyboard and below is what turned out:

Uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew
uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew
uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew
uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew
uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewwwwwccccccccccccccccccccccc
cccccccccccccarrrr-p[yve

From what I can gather, she hit the 'paste' button which, unless I don't know my shortcuts, required a stretch of one leg on Control and a paw on V.

Also - if you look closley, it looks like she's typed 'A Neeeeewww Carrrr!" which would suggest that she's been chanelling bob barker or she's vaguely referencing the need to be spayed or neutered.

Or I could be reading too much into this.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

HOLY CRAP - An Entry!

Is what I assume you're saying. If, of course, you're still reading this.
Normally, I'd shy away from journal-esque blogging, but I feel I should at least try to explain my absense.

It pretty much comes down to cold cuts and landlords.

A few weeks back, MJ and I decided on homemade subs for dinner. We bought a pack of cold cuts and had ourselves a regular old sub party (not one of those trendy modern ones). Looking back, I think it was the turkey that had me spewing liquids from every opening in my body for three straight days. I can't be certain, and it could have even been some freak strain of ebola, but the turkey was the only thing I ate and she didn't so my brilliant powers of deduction came to this conclusion.

I don't remember much of those few days. I remember the hospital and watching home reno shows on TLC. I also remember MJ taking care of me. And, oh yeah, the vomitting.

I've since recovered following a couple weeks of quesy stomachs and weird rashes. Too much information?

As for the 'landlord' thing - our ex-apartment owners decided to hop on board the condo train and sell our places. We had a little while to find something, but we didn't want to compete for that elusize 0.0007% vacancy rate in Red Deer so we promptly pounded down the doors of anyone still renting.

Luckily, we found something and we're living there now. And hence...the food poisoning and move drained any sanity and desire to blog from my poor drug ravaged body.

Cool? I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?

Monday, April 09, 2007

Still Alive

I said it, I did it!
Thanks to the following for saying hello:

Steve 'Shitty Mic' Howard from Oakville
Tara 'I Can't Understand Bradford When He's Drunk' Towers from, uh, Toronto?
Carl 'Mini-thunder from Down Under' Pervis from Australia
Kelly 'Sick as a Horse' Thompson from Red Deer
Paul 'Future Employer' L from Toronto

And the few people who gave me notice verbally. Blogs are fun, I hope to have something new in the next couple days...if, of course, you're still around.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Online Poker, A Plea to Readers and News

Alright - 72 posts later and I think its about time we did a round up.
Please, if you're reading this, take two seconds to fill out a quick comment with your name and location. I'll post them all (the whole 3 or 4 of them) in a couple days. Just want to get an idea of who's reading and where.

e.g., for readers out East, maybe I should talk, uh, Blue Jays.
For westerners, I'll just type slower.

And....go....!


Calling all poker players. The first Official Bradford-Howard Invitational Online Poker Tournament kicked off last Friday. It was a gruelling match between Steve 'My Microphone is a Piece of Crap' Howard and Matt 'I Can't Play in Real Life, why the Hell Do I Think I Can on the Internet' Bradford.

After some stunning back and forth action, it was Steve who poked out ahead with a $10 lead before heading into the public tables where the Bradford-Howard tag team took on some of the net's best....and lost.

Matt was first to lose his 30$ investment. Little is known of Steve.

Graeme, Boston Todd, Mike, Shea and Ricky sent their regrets. I will have nicknames for them if and when they decide to step up to the big boys.

If you wish to play, please send an email to mirbradford@hotmail.com

Oh - and we may have found an apartment. That, and my anus hurts from the proposed rent.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Eviction, 10 Year old Waiters and Micheal Jackson Cyborgs

Crazy couple of days...

For one, MJ and I were brutally run over by the great wheels of Red Deer's economy.
Last night we received a notice that our apartments were going to converted into condos. We're suppose to attend a meeting tonight to discuss 'any and all of our questions' though I'm pretty sure all of the answers will pretty much come down to them repeatedly violating us with eviction papers.
Sigh - and it was such a nice place.
I'm no stranger to moving. I've moved 4 times in the last two years. The first couple times were fun but the last was a trainwreck of happy-fun incidents (broke a U-Haul, lost a car, almost killed 2 girls on bikes, etc.).
I would love to be able to buy a house out here. That said, I'd also love to come into work in a hovercar. I don't think either is financially doable at this point in time.
Facts are facts - Alberta is a hot province and property owners can get more money selling than they can renting. Who cares if that means 200 people now have to fight for the 5 available apartments in Red Deer...that's just business. I don't hate capitalism, only when it works against me.

What's more, we were seated to lunch today by a 10 year old. None of this 'looks young' crap, I'm talking bonefide 'just starting to grow hair in weird places' 10 year old employee.
At first I thought the main server had just left their son at the stand, but when he started working the debit machine I knew I was witnessing the beginning of the end.
Suffice to say, Red Deer is pooched. We're rich, but we're pooched because the very same oil industry that's making us rich is also scooping up all the jobs and increasing the cost of living into copywriter-unfriendly levels. I even heard talk of reducing the minimum working age to 12 in bars. IN BARS, people. I don't even think they have job interviews here, I just think you show up, submit yourself to a pulse check and then they hand you a security pass.
Oh - and Micheal Jackson is building a 50 foot robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes at oncoming planes in the Nevada Dessert as a promo for a show wherein audience members can control on stage Cyborgs.
This is a sign of the apocolypse right?

Monday, March 26, 2007

BloodRayne and Links! Glorious Links


MJ and I rented BloodRayne on Saturday. To clarify - our intention was to get a nice big ole bottle of wine and rent the crappiest movie we could find.
Success!
I thought about doing a review but I think this movie would be best enjoyed with very little prep. Suffice to say, it features Meat Loaf as a prostitute eating vampire, Michelle Rodriguez in her trademark 'pissed off' role, bloody monks, a plot only a fanboy could love and lots of 'WTF' moments.

Oh, and FYI: Be afraid.

Secondly, wasn't really going to do links, but I thought these few warranted a peak.
A little while back, I wrote a small post about how the MMO masses in gaming could be put to better use than making Porncraft or, well, whatever it is they do for 40+ hours a week.
Turns out, someone's actually doing something.
To be fair, gamers aren't really doing anything themselves, but ingenious scientists are calling on PS3 owners to help them solve cancer.
Obviously, its more complicated than that and you can read about it HERE
Otherwise, Steve Colbert does a nice job HERE
And to round-off the three....Superman across the world! (funny stuff)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

More Requests and Bad Jokes

Don't panic.

I know the blog has been updated 3 times in a row but i assure you its still me and I haven't been replaced by some evil, more efficient, twin.

Steve (long time reader/ Guy I'll most likely be stuck in a room with at the retirement home) requested Grey's Anatomy for a 12 line review. Again, I'll have to consult my sources (Marijana), but this will/maybe happen. I'm still trying to do Gilmore girls, but my ear starts to bleed after, like, 15 minutes of listening to the dialogue.

For those unaquainted with Gilmore Girls, it goes something like this:

Mom: Hey, we have cheese.
Daughter: Cheese?
Mom: Cheese.
Daughter: What kind of cheese? Brie? Monteray Jack? Chedder? Mozzerella? Marble?
Mom: Marble.
Daughter: Good marble? Bad Marble?
Mom: Marble, Marble. What does it matter?
Daughter: Marble matters, mom. Marble matters.

etc. etc for the next 15 minutes.

Otherwise, I'm being whisked away to Edmonton for business (way less important than that sounds) so to make up for my short vacation, I leave you with a few of the best jokes I've heard recently - family friendly!

What bees give milk?
Boo-bees!

Why shouldn't you have a bath with a Pokemon?
He might Peek-at-chu!

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Har har! Good times.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

69...teehee

Two posts in one day? Crazy! ... yet necessary.
Submitter Darren S (last name witheld for security reasons) sent me this awesome clip with the following:
"Either the best televison show pilot ever or the worst. You decide."

Yup...I already love it and you may (or may not) as well after watching the premier episode of HEAT VISION AND JACK (reverb, reverb, reverb).

Oh - and I've been asked to give a 12 line synopsis of Gilmore Girls...to which I'll have to do some research. Stay Tuned!

Oh Part#2 - This is technically the 69th post. hehehee. I will be going to the Sex Show next weekend and plan on doing a product review for the occasion. Well...no, I was going anyways.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Abridged Television, Episode 1

(update: bonus blog mention to anyone who can tell me why Blogger changes formatting just for the hell of it)

Keeping up with the latest in TV-land can be a chore. I mean, what between working, eating, bathing and trying to not be a lazy bastard, it can be tough to find the sit-down time required to keep up with everything the boob-tube has to offer.
Relax - I'm here to help.
For the TV viewer on the Go, I present: Your Favorite Shows in 12 Lines part one.

24
GRAPHIC: A digital clock ticks
Terrorist: Finally, the American dogs will pay!
Jack: Drop the gun!
Jack's Superior: Jack, this is highly against protocol.
Jack: There's no other option!
Another option presents itself. 24 in fact.
Jack: Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!
Special Guest from earlier Season: Jack - I'll help you.
Jack: Sure, wait - aren't you working for the Ackhmed Ab'SalemGaresh?
Special Guest/Mole: Die American Pig!
Jack: Drop the gun!
SFX: A digital Clock ticks

Lost
A plane crashes, the remaining survivors scramble to make sense of their new surroundings. In the distance, a monster.
Jack: Crap! A Monster.
Hurley: And numbers! Mysterious numbers.
Locke: And the hatch!
Charlie: Oh! And that French Lady
Sun: Don't forget about the others
Desmond: Plus I think I can read the future
Mr.Ecko: I was an interesting character, right? Right?? WTF?
Jack: Ok - everyone just relax. We'll get to the bottom of this...

The most popular characters are kidnapped.
Remaining Cast: Does anyone know what this shit is about?
Smallville
Clark: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny
Lex: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny...yet not enough to avoid continually being involved in every single Smallville Conspiracy
Lex's Dad: That's my boy!
Lana: Wah Wah - I hate pretty much everyone and everything. Also - I miss my parents.
Chloe: Anyone need anything looked up?
Lois: Hmmm how best can I get into a skimpy outfit today?
Meteor Freak of the Week: Wah Wah I want REVENGE
Clark's Dad: Baaaaarrrrghh. (He dies).
Suddenly realizing that all he's done for 6 seasons is bitch and moan, Clark forms the early Justice League.
The cast continues to bitch and moan.
And for old time sake...

X-Files
Mulder: I believe in Aliens
Scully: I do not.
Mulder: Have you seen my sister?
Mudler is abducted. Scully gets pregnant. Repeat for 5 seasons.
Mulder: Now I really believe in Aliens.
Scully: You know, I kind of do too. Plus, you know that platonic relationship we swore we'd never violate?
Mulder: Yeah...?
They violate.
Smoking Man: *coughs* I hate you both.
Mulder: Trust No 1
Mulder and Scully get replaced by the Termintor and some Goth Chick.

Ok...so just a few. Btw, I take requests...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

While It Lasts

While It's still there, my third review is up and ready. Have a look by clicking HERE
Or you could also try HERE
And, if all else fails, you could also click HERE

Quick apology to Mr.Steve Howard. In the past, I've tried to fit in a word of his choosing into the reviews. This time my trigger finger sent away the final draft before I had a chance add 'Jiggy'.
For this, I am deeply ashamed.

Oh, and for those who have yet to see my new cartoon, well, check out the post below.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Meatwad Makes Her Debut




First a new banner and now a new comic - I know...crazy...but true!

I introduce the first in a series of 'Meatwad' cartoons. It took me a while to get the dumbfounded Meatwad look just right, so please be kind.


Anyways, click the above image for full sized hamster goodness.


Monday, March 12, 2007

New Look

You may notice the fancy banner at the top of the page.
To answer your question: no, that's not my handiwork.
The credit must go to George from Toronto - a good friend and great with the ole photoshop. I promised to plug George, but I do so gladly because the end product is grrreat. If you wish to put George to work for you, email ndbuddy@hotmail.com.
Just don't mention 'No doubt' and or anything Gwen Stefani related or else you'll never hear the end of it.

Otherwise - does anyone know how to get rid of the actual header? It took me too long just to get the dang picture up.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

This In No Time For Joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub

A bit of a hybrid post as I do have one great link to share and then a rant on Videogame Stores (which fits in well with the whole 'I'm a giant geek' theme).

First though, the link to a superb SNL sketch: SNL BUSINESS MEETING
Secondly - my new favorite music video (for all the wrong reasons)

To be fair, I hadn't actually seen any of these until someone pointed it out. And by someone I meant www.pointlesswasteoftime.com. And that's not a plug, because he's doing fine.

Thirdly- I thought I'd share with you my new character sheet for a new TV Sitcom I'm pitching. Actually, its a thinly veiled rant on franchise Videogame Stores *ahemebgamesahem*. I've been on both sides of the cash machine, so I'll try to be fair...

For your consideration...

"PLAYED OUT":
A Wacky Expose on the Lives of Video Game Employees

THE STORE MANAGER: Bo Knowsall!
Does Bo know games? You bet your obsolete Dreamcast he does! In fact, he knows games so well he the hot shot behind the counter who'll be the first to make any customer feel like a total douchebag for asking any game related question! Didn't pre-order? You don't want Bo to find out! Douchebagoramma! Just 25 and on his way to an apartment all for himself, Bo is king of the ring! Ladies look out!

THE TOKEN HOT EMPLOYEE: Vicky Von Outtaplace!
Who knows how an attractive girl wound up at an EB Games store, but you won't find Bo and the others complaining! No siree! Vicky's got a fiery attitude and a head for all things Sims and Sims related! Whether she's marking up a used game well beyond its value or locking away the pre-orders, you won't care how much she screws you on trade-in value, just as long as she smiles! Teehee! Oh Vicky!

THE JADED GAMER EMPLOYEE! Derrek Obscuro!
Ack! Mainstream games are for the sheep! Fresh from his job as sour faced music store employee, Derrek is ready to make you feel like cheap corporate whore for buying anything that doesn't have big eyed anime pre-teens! Grumble grumble Derrek - I guess we'll never be as game savvy as you!

THE EXPERT EMPLOYEE! Jack HotShot
Man - don't you hate customers who know nothing about games? Jack does! Whether he's putting a mother in her place or trash talking clueless customers behind the XBOX display, Jack's the man to go for everything game related. Keep on keepin' on Jack! Booyeah!

THE FANBOY REGULAR - Clarence Gimmeajobplease
Just because he doesn't work there, doesn't mean he can't tell you what a piece of shit PS3 and PSP are! When not making sweet sweet love to all Nintendo related products, you'll find the Fanboy settling in at the front desk for a fun filled 8-hour shift of talking to anyone who will listen! Hey, did you hear about Clarence's take on the latest BSG cliffhanger? You will! And did you hear about how Clarence totally traded in his Mario Party 7 only to find out that he also gave up his gamecube microphone! Boy howdy, you'll hear about that too! Better line up, friend, because Clarence has this counter covered! Huzzah!

THE CREEPY COMIC RELIEF: Carl Onparole
He doesn't really know games, but that doesn't stop Carl from shuffling around and staring at Vicky's boobs. Once a month, he might buy an old Madden game - but only if its on sale! Uh-oh!

THE SHADY EXECUTIVE: Dr. NicklenDime
Who's the mysterious voice behind the phone at demands all employees shove useless warranties down customer's throats! It's crazy Dr. NicklenDime! Keep an eye on your wallet and never, ever, suggest going to Wal Mart.

I'll be auditioning roles after I finish the script. Please send headshots to matto2000@hotmail.com.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ghostrider Review (more or less)

Sometime between now and last wednesday I saw Ghostrider. The goal was to see Zodiac, but with my mind on autopilot and with MJ all misses "wa wa I worked 16 hours today, then I cleaned the apartment, then I picked returned your movies now I'm so tired" we decided on something shorter and less demanding on our poor fragile psyches.

Turns out Ghostrider was just the trick.

So I thought I'd try my hand at a quick review. But to make it special, I'll review Ghostrider as its target demographic: 7-9 year olds.



Ghostrider
By Matthew Bradford


Hi, my name is matthew and I saw Ghostrider. Ghostrider stars that man from the car movie with the thieves. It also has a girl and an old guy from tv. There was this totally cool part in the beginning where ghost rider was, like, jumping over busses and he falls and then he tries jumping over helicopters and lives and then tries driving down the highway to find this girl almost gets smashed by another bus. Then he signed autographs. Then ghostrider remembers why he can't die, because some guy said 'I'll save your dad if you sign this'. Ghostrider then pricked his finger and the guy was like 'hahaha' and then ghostrider's dad is saved from the flu but dies anyways.

The graphics in the beginning sucked. Ghostrider looked old and that girl's boobs were soooooo fake or something like Bobby's sisters boobs.

Anyways so some other guy with a white face shows up at a biker bar and the biker is all "you can't come in" and whiteghostface is totally "yeah? yes I can, stupid" and then he totally drains the guy of like blood and bones and then he does the rest to everyone else in the bar because I guess he wanted to have a drink but not have to worry about the noise.

Then ghostrider has date but misses it. Whitefaceghostman calls on his friends who are all like 'I'm air" , "I'm water" , "I'm dust or wind" and then one guy is sand which I guess is earth.

They go to a railroad station to find a scroll and ghostrider shows up. Except now he's on fire and looks like my brother's computer game. He has a whip and he beats them. He's very strong and he makes the sand guy turn into glass because he's so hot. But not, like, gay hot. Me and wendy from Ms.Mitzgibbens class are going out so I didn't mean that.

Then ghostrider is totally busted and he beats up prison guys except one kid. He also points a lot at people and makes them stare into their own souls or something. I never read the comic.

I don't know what happened in the next bit because Joey got us kicked out by being such a tool. When we snuck back in he was killing the wind guy with fancy fire CGI so I guess those guys were dead.

Then they showed this totally cool part from the videogame. Or it could have been the movie. Anyways, ghostrider is totally in whitefaceguysface with a big gun and thatwhitefaceguy is like 'you can destroy me, I have the souls of tons of mexicans'. But he does. I dont know how, but the movie goes pretty quick so i didnt find out.

Then ghostrider ditches the girl because he wants to be a hero.

The End.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Things to Do When You're Dead (In Red Deer)

Boy-howdy its been a fun week. Between the fever sweats, headaches, hacked up lungs and mouth breathing I don't know where the time has gone. Wooowweee.
If I've learned anything in these past few snot-fueled days, its been a) nothing truly washes down the taste of buckley's b) insomnia does not make daytime television better and c) I'm a giant baby when I'm sick.
Actually, mostly c.
Now that I can finally eat solids and dress myself without passing out (which are, oddly enough, entry levels skills for working on-air), its high time I actually did something with this blog.

...but not now.

No...now is for more Buffy re-runs, doritoes and (fingers crossed) the girlfriend coming home with Tim Hortons.

Until then, stay tuned. Big things ahead, I promise.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Link Lot #4 - Children of Links

Because I have non-posting guilt, here's a few links that might make up for lack of content (based on the assumption that what I post is considered content).

1 - Mikey at 'My Boy the Girl' passed along this uber rad Jean Claude Van Damme article. Even if you're aren't a fan of splits, renegade cops or shady martial arts tournaments, this still makes for a hilarious read: CLICK ME!

2 - Then there's this semi-cool collection of pictures. Some guy made cities out of playing cards ... and I thought Phil was obsessive about building his giant risk board (more on that at 'Dream Country' - see blog links). Anyways, this reminds me of that Simpsons spoof about the CGI Movie 'Cards'. CLICK ME, FOO!

3 - And proof that SNL can be genius - Brohans.com (I'll pretend I know them) compiled a list of classic mock commercials. Most are a little dated, but they include two of my favorites - Dissing your Dog and Schmitt's Gay. They don't have that one about robot insurance for old people though. Shame. DROP THE GUN AND CLICK ME NOW!

4- Finally - I'm a little late on this one - George Takei speaking out against Tim Hardaway's anti-gay ramblings. Hilarious. MAKE IT SO!

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Public Execution of Britney Spears

Rant Levels = high
So Britney shaved her head. Call in the national guard.
In case you haven't seen Craig Ferguson's take on the over-exposed Britney, do yourself a favor and click on this nicely colored link HERE.
Essentially, its more about his own experience, but he's also calling for a moritorium on all Britney bashing - and I couldn't agree more. Folks, the media is killing this poor girl and as long as we keep jumping at every piece of bullshit Britney news, they won't stop until she's completey bat-shit insane.
In case you're wondering, I am 100% genuine here. I honestly feel bad for the ex-pop princess. And to demonstrate why, I ask you to clear your mind and live a couple years in the life of Britney Spears.

Year 1-3 (rough estimate) you're a bazillionaire media darling. You're also young and so you trust the media moguls and PR people when they say that they can make you even bigger if you just let them make the most out of your good looks and great voice. They convince you to let them shape your image - your style - your sex appeal. So you agree and soon, as promised, everyone in the world loves you. The cameras love you, the talkshows love you, your fans love you - it's the dream come true. Everything you are is what the media wanted you to be - and it's worked. They've pumped you up because you are a hot brand and after selling a majillion (new number) records, you can't help but believe your own hype.

Year 4: Things are good. But lo and behold you learn the hard way that everyone loves a loser as much as they love a winner and soon all that media attention takes a turn. Soon, the media wants to hate you because it sells more paper. Overnight, your successes are trumped by your every single mistake - mistakes that normal people make every day, but are suddenly the BIGGEST FUCK-UPS ever according to the very same media outlets who once put you on a pedastal. Soon you can't fart in public without Entertainment Tonight calling you a dirty whore.

Year 5-ish: After being under a microscope for years and having ever failed singer call you a fake, you say 'fuck it. If they hate me, I'll lay low. I'll get married, live the normal life'. Simple, right? Not by a long shot. Because now the trendy thing to do is showcase every mis-step you take. All the sexually frustrated old men who once found you attractive are now so easger to tear down whomever you pick as a mate. In this case, the guy you pick is a little rough around the edges. You know this, but you also plough through because you know him better than everyone. Still - for the next couple years you wake up to the newspapers, magazines and tv reminding you what a douchebag he is. You try to avoid them, but it's useless...you know his every move and how everyone hates him. Everyone wants you to fail - and if that means tearing up your marriage, so be it.

Year 6: So you dump him. You shake off the bad press. But by now, you're like 'fuck it - they don't want me to be popular, they don't want me to be happily married, they don't want me to be a good mom - I'm starting to go a little crazy - I need to let off some steam.'
Nope - sorry. You want to have some fun? Guess what - you're a dirty , vagina-flashing whore now. Why? Well...it sells ad time on ET and the public absolutely loves watching you spiral downhill.

Year 7: You shave your head. Anything for attention at this point will help. You've also cracked a little under the strain of a billion eyes - all telling you what a dirty, talentless tramp you are. You drink more because what else is there to do? You've resigned yourself to the fact that nothing you will ever do again will be cast in a positive light - so why try?

And....scene.

I won't say she hasn't made her mistakes, but I dare you to stay sane after the barrage of horrible press. I was never a huge Britney fan, but what I'm seeing these days feels more like a public execution than entertainment news.
Leave it alone. Let her be. There's bigger fish to fry out there - people who need to be scrutinized.
When and if Britney goes too far, it will be on our heads, people. And you know what? She'll be a saint. If Britney were to go tomorrow, she'd be the 'Fallen Angel' we all loved. Because tributes get ratings, too.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Why I'd Never Survive Starfleet Command

WARNING: Nerd Levels = High

It's a statistical fact that a repeat Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG for the hipsters) plays roughly 300 times a day in 65 languages.

Without even trying, I've watched the entire series again. Or almost. In any case, I've sat down to enough repeats to realize that never ever would I make a good officer aboard the Enterprise.

And here's why.

1 - THE HOLODECK
You're kidding me right? The ability to live out my most fantastic/erotic dreams at my beck and call and I'm suppose to maintain the coupling relays on the warp core? I can't count the amount of times I'd fake sick just to some extra time in the 'Playboy Mansion Program 36Y69'. Oh, and don't forget about bathroom breaks. I barely have the will power to avoid casinos, let alone 3D physical manifestations of my most inner desires. I'd be begging to borrow holodeck time from everyone - so much so that I'd become 'that guy' who's just nice to the lieutenants because he wants more holo-minutes. Nevermind that I wouldn't do any work - that's obvious - I'm talking about full blown addiction that'd eat up sickbay resources and eventually lead to the Enterprise returning home just to drop my sorry ass off.

2 - DEANNA TROI

Hot, yes, but useless. This is a woman who can read the thoughts of an alien diplomat through a viewscreen over a million miles away but can rarely figure out who's possessed or who's planning a bloody coup. Odds are Riker would catch me rolling my eyes one time too many and send me packing. I can't stand useless aliens and my contempt would, in time, get the best of me.



3- KLINGONS

I have a tendancy to be a smart ass and from what I've gathered, Klingons rarely understand sarcasm. They also want to fight about everything. I'm not saying ALL Klingons are bad, I've just witnessed my fair share of emotionally stunted 'ridge heads' to know that I wouldn't work well in a Klingon friendly environment. This prejudice also extends to Ferengi, Green Women, Psychopathic Androids and amorphous red balls of energy.

4 - JARGON

Unless there's a course in Starfleet Bullshittery, I'd be as useless as Deanna Troi (see above). Seriously - everyone would be in the battleroom throwing out suggestions and I'd be the guy slowly eating his bagel hoping not to be asked.

Picard: Geordi? Any suggestions?
Geordi: We could try dumping the trans-fuel conduit. That would create a momentary solarus field - conceivably allowing our sensors extra range.
Picard: Interesting...Data?
Data: From what I've gathered, sir, the static-flux capacitator would provide coupling charge to enact such a maneuver.
Picard: Matthew?
Me: Uh....hey, anyone not using their holo deck minutes?

5- Strange Yet Boring Worlds

Oh...la dee dah...anyone eden-esque world where everyone talks with British accents. It would get to a point where I wouldn't even volunteer for away missions.

6- The Transporter
Nevermind the philosphical arguments about whether we have souls - I'm thinking about all the screw-ups that have been transporter related. Folks - this MUST be a perfected technology with even the slightest incident resulting in immediate non-use. Plus, I'd have to make sure never to piss of the engineer...which I'd likely do if he's Klingon.

7 - The Prime Directive

Oh...here's a great idea. Spend bazillions building starships so we can just hover above worlds twiddling our thumbs. What's the point? We're human beings - sticking our noses in our people's business is our greatest talent. I just wouldn't see the point. Also - I'd make a point of raising a stink whenever a commanding officer blatantly breaks the prime directive...which pretty much includes everytime it comes into question.

Alas - the future may be bright, but my role in it is very uncertain. Now as for being a Slider, Stargater, Intergalactic Bounty Hunter...there may be some promise.