Thursday, March 29, 2007

Eviction, 10 Year old Waiters and Micheal Jackson Cyborgs

Crazy couple of days...

For one, MJ and I were brutally run over by the great wheels of Red Deer's economy.
Last night we received a notice that our apartments were going to converted into condos. We're suppose to attend a meeting tonight to discuss 'any and all of our questions' though I'm pretty sure all of the answers will pretty much come down to them repeatedly violating us with eviction papers.
Sigh - and it was such a nice place.
I'm no stranger to moving. I've moved 4 times in the last two years. The first couple times were fun but the last was a trainwreck of happy-fun incidents (broke a U-Haul, lost a car, almost killed 2 girls on bikes, etc.).
I would love to be able to buy a house out here. That said, I'd also love to come into work in a hovercar. I don't think either is financially doable at this point in time.
Facts are facts - Alberta is a hot province and property owners can get more money selling than they can renting. Who cares if that means 200 people now have to fight for the 5 available apartments in Red Deer...that's just business. I don't hate capitalism, only when it works against me.

What's more, we were seated to lunch today by a 10 year old. None of this 'looks young' crap, I'm talking bonefide 'just starting to grow hair in weird places' 10 year old employee.
At first I thought the main server had just left their son at the stand, but when he started working the debit machine I knew I was witnessing the beginning of the end.
Suffice to say, Red Deer is pooched. We're rich, but we're pooched because the very same oil industry that's making us rich is also scooping up all the jobs and increasing the cost of living into copywriter-unfriendly levels. I even heard talk of reducing the minimum working age to 12 in bars. IN BARS, people. I don't even think they have job interviews here, I just think you show up, submit yourself to a pulse check and then they hand you a security pass.
Oh - and Micheal Jackson is building a 50 foot robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes at oncoming planes in the Nevada Dessert as a promo for a show wherein audience members can control on stage Cyborgs.
This is a sign of the apocolypse right?

Monday, March 26, 2007

BloodRayne and Links! Glorious Links

MJ and I rented BloodRayne on Saturday. To clarify - our intention was to get a nice big ole bottle of wine and rent the crappiest movie we could find.
I thought about doing a review but I think this movie would be best enjoyed with very little prep. Suffice to say, it features Meat Loaf as a prostitute eating vampire, Michelle Rodriguez in her trademark 'pissed off' role, bloody monks, a plot only a fanboy could love and lots of 'WTF' moments.

Oh, and FYI: Be afraid.

Secondly, wasn't really going to do links, but I thought these few warranted a peak.
A little while back, I wrote a small post about how the MMO masses in gaming could be put to better use than making Porncraft or, well, whatever it is they do for 40+ hours a week.
Turns out, someone's actually doing something.
To be fair, gamers aren't really doing anything themselves, but ingenious scientists are calling on PS3 owners to help them solve cancer.
Obviously, its more complicated than that and you can read about it HERE
Otherwise, Steve Colbert does a nice job HERE
And to round-off the three....Superman across the world! (funny stuff)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

More Requests and Bad Jokes

Don't panic.

I know the blog has been updated 3 times in a row but i assure you its still me and I haven't been replaced by some evil, more efficient, twin.

Steve (long time reader/ Guy I'll most likely be stuck in a room with at the retirement home) requested Grey's Anatomy for a 12 line review. Again, I'll have to consult my sources (Marijana), but this will/maybe happen. I'm still trying to do Gilmore girls, but my ear starts to bleed after, like, 15 minutes of listening to the dialogue.

For those unaquainted with Gilmore Girls, it goes something like this:

Mom: Hey, we have cheese.
Daughter: Cheese?
Mom: Cheese.
Daughter: What kind of cheese? Brie? Monteray Jack? Chedder? Mozzerella? Marble?
Mom: Marble.
Daughter: Good marble? Bad Marble?
Mom: Marble, Marble. What does it matter?
Daughter: Marble matters, mom. Marble matters.

etc. etc for the next 15 minutes.

Otherwise, I'm being whisked away to Edmonton for business (way less important than that sounds) so to make up for my short vacation, I leave you with a few of the best jokes I've heard recently - family friendly!

What bees give milk?

Why shouldn't you have a bath with a Pokemon?
He might Peek-at-chu!

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Har har! Good times.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Two posts in one day? Crazy! ... yet necessary.
Submitter Darren S (last name witheld for security reasons) sent me this awesome clip with the following:
"Either the best televison show pilot ever or the worst. You decide."

Yup...I already love it and you may (or may not) as well after watching the premier episode of HEAT VISION AND JACK (reverb, reverb, reverb).

Oh - and I've been asked to give a 12 line synopsis of Gilmore which I'll have to do some research. Stay Tuned!

Oh Part#2 - This is technically the 69th post. hehehee. I will be going to the Sex Show next weekend and plan on doing a product review for the occasion., I was going anyways.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Abridged Television, Episode 1

(update: bonus blog mention to anyone who can tell me why Blogger changes formatting just for the hell of it)

Keeping up with the latest in TV-land can be a chore. I mean, what between working, eating, bathing and trying to not be a lazy bastard, it can be tough to find the sit-down time required to keep up with everything the boob-tube has to offer.
Relax - I'm here to help.
For the TV viewer on the Go, I present: Your Favorite Shows in 12 Lines part one.

GRAPHIC: A digital clock ticks
Terrorist: Finally, the American dogs will pay!
Jack: Drop the gun!
Jack's Superior: Jack, this is highly against protocol.
Jack: There's no other option!
Another option presents itself. 24 in fact.
Jack: Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!
Special Guest from earlier Season: Jack - I'll help you.
Jack: Sure, wait - aren't you working for the Ackhmed Ab'SalemGaresh?
Special Guest/Mole: Die American Pig!
Jack: Drop the gun!
SFX: A digital Clock ticks

A plane crashes, the remaining survivors scramble to make sense of their new surroundings. In the distance, a monster.
Jack: Crap! A Monster.
Hurley: And numbers! Mysterious numbers.
Locke: And the hatch!
Charlie: Oh! And that French Lady
Sun: Don't forget about the others
Desmond: Plus I think I can read the future
Mr.Ecko: I was an interesting character, right? Right?? WTF?
Jack: Ok - everyone just relax. We'll get to the bottom of this...

The most popular characters are kidnapped.
Remaining Cast: Does anyone know what this shit is about?
Clark: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny
Lex: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny...yet not enough to avoid continually being involved in every single Smallville Conspiracy
Lex's Dad: That's my boy!
Lana: Wah Wah - I hate pretty much everyone and everything. Also - I miss my parents.
Chloe: Anyone need anything looked up?
Lois: Hmmm how best can I get into a skimpy outfit today?
Meteor Freak of the Week: Wah Wah I want REVENGE
Clark's Dad: Baaaaarrrrghh. (He dies).
Suddenly realizing that all he's done for 6 seasons is bitch and moan, Clark forms the early Justice League.
The cast continues to bitch and moan.
And for old time sake...

Mulder: I believe in Aliens
Scully: I do not.
Mulder: Have you seen my sister?
Mudler is abducted. Scully gets pregnant. Repeat for 5 seasons.
Mulder: Now I really believe in Aliens.
Scully: You know, I kind of do too. Plus, you know that platonic relationship we swore we'd never violate?
Mulder: Yeah...?
They violate.
Smoking Man: *coughs* I hate you both.
Mulder: Trust No 1
Mulder and Scully get replaced by the Termintor and some Goth Chick. just a few. Btw, I take requests...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

While It Lasts

While It's still there, my third review is up and ready. Have a look by clicking HERE
Or you could also try HERE
And, if all else fails, you could also click HERE

Quick apology to Mr.Steve Howard. In the past, I've tried to fit in a word of his choosing into the reviews. This time my trigger finger sent away the final draft before I had a chance add 'Jiggy'.
For this, I am deeply ashamed.

Oh, and for those who have yet to see my new cartoon, well, check out the post below.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Meatwad Makes Her Debut

First a new banner and now a new comic - I know...crazy...but true!

I introduce the first in a series of 'Meatwad' cartoons. It took me a while to get the dumbfounded Meatwad look just right, so please be kind.

Anyways, click the above image for full sized hamster goodness.

Monday, March 12, 2007

New Look

You may notice the fancy banner at the top of the page.
To answer your question: no, that's not my handiwork.
The credit must go to George from Toronto - a good friend and great with the ole photoshop. I promised to plug George, but I do so gladly because the end product is grrreat. If you wish to put George to work for you, email
Just don't mention 'No doubt' and or anything Gwen Stefani related or else you'll never hear the end of it.

Otherwise - does anyone know how to get rid of the actual header? It took me too long just to get the dang picture up.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

This In No Time For Joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub

A bit of a hybrid post as I do have one great link to share and then a rant on Videogame Stores (which fits in well with the whole 'I'm a giant geek' theme).

First though, the link to a superb SNL sketch: SNL BUSINESS MEETING
Secondly - my new favorite music video (for all the wrong reasons)

To be fair, I hadn't actually seen any of these until someone pointed it out. And by someone I meant And that's not a plug, because he's doing fine.

Thirdly- I thought I'd share with you my new character sheet for a new TV Sitcom I'm pitching. Actually, its a thinly veiled rant on franchise Videogame Stores *ahemebgamesahem*. I've been on both sides of the cash machine, so I'll try to be fair...

For your consideration...

A Wacky Expose on the Lives of Video Game Employees

Does Bo know games? You bet your obsolete Dreamcast he does! In fact, he knows games so well he the hot shot behind the counter who'll be the first to make any customer feel like a total douchebag for asking any game related question! Didn't pre-order? You don't want Bo to find out! Douchebagoramma! Just 25 and on his way to an apartment all for himself, Bo is king of the ring! Ladies look out!

THE TOKEN HOT EMPLOYEE: Vicky Von Outtaplace!
Who knows how an attractive girl wound up at an EB Games store, but you won't find Bo and the others complaining! No siree! Vicky's got a fiery attitude and a head for all things Sims and Sims related! Whether she's marking up a used game well beyond its value or locking away the pre-orders, you won't care how much she screws you on trade-in value, just as long as she smiles! Teehee! Oh Vicky!

Ack! Mainstream games are for the sheep! Fresh from his job as sour faced music store employee, Derrek is ready to make you feel like cheap corporate whore for buying anything that doesn't have big eyed anime pre-teens! Grumble grumble Derrek - I guess we'll never be as game savvy as you!

Man - don't you hate customers who know nothing about games? Jack does! Whether he's putting a mother in her place or trash talking clueless customers behind the XBOX display, Jack's the man to go for everything game related. Keep on keepin' on Jack! Booyeah!

THE FANBOY REGULAR - Clarence Gimmeajobplease
Just because he doesn't work there, doesn't mean he can't tell you what a piece of shit PS3 and PSP are! When not making sweet sweet love to all Nintendo related products, you'll find the Fanboy settling in at the front desk for a fun filled 8-hour shift of talking to anyone who will listen! Hey, did you hear about Clarence's take on the latest BSG cliffhanger? You will! And did you hear about how Clarence totally traded in his Mario Party 7 only to find out that he also gave up his gamecube microphone! Boy howdy, you'll hear about that too! Better line up, friend, because Clarence has this counter covered! Huzzah!

He doesn't really know games, but that doesn't stop Carl from shuffling around and staring at Vicky's boobs. Once a month, he might buy an old Madden game - but only if its on sale! Uh-oh!

Who's the mysterious voice behind the phone at demands all employees shove useless warranties down customer's throats! It's crazy Dr. NicklenDime! Keep an eye on your wallet and never, ever, suggest going to Wal Mart.

I'll be auditioning roles after I finish the script. Please send headshots to

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ghostrider Review (more or less)

Sometime between now and last wednesday I saw Ghostrider. The goal was to see Zodiac, but with my mind on autopilot and with MJ all misses "wa wa I worked 16 hours today, then I cleaned the apartment, then I picked returned your movies now I'm so tired" we decided on something shorter and less demanding on our poor fragile psyches.

Turns out Ghostrider was just the trick.

So I thought I'd try my hand at a quick review. But to make it special, I'll review Ghostrider as its target demographic: 7-9 year olds.

By Matthew Bradford

Hi, my name is matthew and I saw Ghostrider. Ghostrider stars that man from the car movie with the thieves. It also has a girl and an old guy from tv. There was this totally cool part in the beginning where ghost rider was, like, jumping over busses and he falls and then he tries jumping over helicopters and lives and then tries driving down the highway to find this girl almost gets smashed by another bus. Then he signed autographs. Then ghostrider remembers why he can't die, because some guy said 'I'll save your dad if you sign this'. Ghostrider then pricked his finger and the guy was like 'hahaha' and then ghostrider's dad is saved from the flu but dies anyways.

The graphics in the beginning sucked. Ghostrider looked old and that girl's boobs were soooooo fake or something like Bobby's sisters boobs.

Anyways so some other guy with a white face shows up at a biker bar and the biker is all "you can't come in" and whiteghostface is totally "yeah? yes I can, stupid" and then he totally drains the guy of like blood and bones and then he does the rest to everyone else in the bar because I guess he wanted to have a drink but not have to worry about the noise.

Then ghostrider has date but misses it. Whitefaceghostman calls on his friends who are all like 'I'm air" , "I'm water" , "I'm dust or wind" and then one guy is sand which I guess is earth.

They go to a railroad station to find a scroll and ghostrider shows up. Except now he's on fire and looks like my brother's computer game. He has a whip and he beats them. He's very strong and he makes the sand guy turn into glass because he's so hot. But not, like, gay hot. Me and wendy from Ms.Mitzgibbens class are going out so I didn't mean that.

Then ghostrider is totally busted and he beats up prison guys except one kid. He also points a lot at people and makes them stare into their own souls or something. I never read the comic.

I don't know what happened in the next bit because Joey got us kicked out by being such a tool. When we snuck back in he was killing the wind guy with fancy fire CGI so I guess those guys were dead.

Then they showed this totally cool part from the videogame. Or it could have been the movie. Anyways, ghostrider is totally in whitefaceguysface with a big gun and thatwhitefaceguy is like 'you can destroy me, I have the souls of tons of mexicans'. But he does. I dont know how, but the movie goes pretty quick so i didnt find out.

Then ghostrider ditches the girl because he wants to be a hero.

The End.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Things to Do When You're Dead (In Red Deer)

Boy-howdy its been a fun week. Between the fever sweats, headaches, hacked up lungs and mouth breathing I don't know where the time has gone. Wooowweee.
If I've learned anything in these past few snot-fueled days, its been a) nothing truly washes down the taste of buckley's b) insomnia does not make daytime television better and c) I'm a giant baby when I'm sick.
Actually, mostly c.
Now that I can finally eat solids and dress myself without passing out (which are, oddly enough, entry levels skills for working on-air), its high time I actually did something with this blog.

...but not now. is for more Buffy re-runs, doritoes and (fingers crossed) the girlfriend coming home with Tim Hortons.

Until then, stay tuned. Big things ahead, I promise.