Friday, October 19, 2007

Halo 3: Protips!

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.
Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.
So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.
Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'
Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!


Steph said...

I still say sweaty pillowfights are better. :)

ArsenixShirogon said...

thanks for the tips. who knew pros tell people to hide behind my friend RYNOCERATER and when he gets killed to avenge him. lolololololol

Anonymous said...

im so sick of the stereotype that nerds dont get pussy, im a 46 in 3 things in halo 3 and i have a steady girlfriend and get pussy on the side, so bite by dick

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