Monday, January 21, 2008

Back, Biznatches!

WELCOME all to the relaunch post. Kitchen on the left, bathrooms on the third and fourth levels. If you're smoking, please use the porch, yadda yadda yadda.

I wish I had something to give you, but all I can offer is a blog, an enjoyable waste of your time and my undying love*
Oh - and this:

(not pictured: dignity)

If you're new to this blog, I suggest reading posts from a month or so ago. I don't know why, I just wanted to give you something to do.

If you're a regular, well, welcome back and please continue to drop by with cryptic and/or passive aggressive comments.

Now, on to business. When I first started this back in '05, I made it a personal goal not to turn this into an online diary. That said, I should mention the new job, new fiance and new guinea pig (not in order of importance, i swear. Baby, I swear!).

So yeah: a brief rundown is as follows:

a) I'm getting hitched November 9th (and if you have to ask 'with whom' then sadly we haven't kept in touch, have we? My fault as well. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you like that)
b) I started a new gig as Advertising/Marketing Coordinator with Chatters Canada (yes, that is a hair care and beauty supply chain and no my marriage is not a front to keep my parents happy)
c) We are indeed the proud parents of Dexter the Guinea Pig (pictures to come). By the way, did you know that Guinea Pig's eat their own poo straight from the source? No? Join the club.
So there's that; life. And now for something completely random:


The Word 'Wedding' Immediately Increases Prices 20%-40%
This unwritten yet unwaivering rule applies to any and all things wedding. Food, photography, even chair covers. Though, to be fair, I can't see a practical use for chair covers other than a wedding. Indeed, once a service suppliers knows you're shopping for a wedding, you might as well proceed straight to the, uh, rear attack: "Bottle of water? $1.10. A bottle of water for your wedding? Well sir, that will be $4.50 a bottle or 10 for $60.00. This does not include shipping and said 'l'eau de Wedding' can only be consumed between 2 - 4 hours following reception. Oh my, you wanted those on a Saturday? Let me get you another quote."

Pre-Ceremony Drinks Will Most Likely Be Non-Alcoholic
Moreso, 1/2 of the people going down to the aisle believes I should be completely sober when saying 'I Do' (hint, it's not me). Now, I've tried explaining that one tequila shot with the boys before forever closing a 26 year chapter of my life is not only tradition, but law, I'm also told that it only takes one shot of tequila to become 'Silly over-apologetic Matt'. The jury is still out on this, though as I understand it the decision will be made for me. Huzzah!

(Me: 1 shot)

Cakes Can be Made with Cardboard
I crap you not. To keep costs down, one can order another tier of cake made out of cardboard and covered with icing. This leads me to a serious consideration as to how many times this 'faux' cake had been eaten after an entire evening of open bar. If I were to hazzard a guess (Which is really the extent of all my research) I'd say this is at least a 75% occurance. At least. Thankfully, MJ is working on a 100% real cake because, well, we're crazy like that.

Oh - and the Cake is a Lie (if you get this, I love you)

Wedding Shows Are All About the Same Damn Thing
Somewhere someone at Slice TV is rinsing off from a swim in their vault of gold coins on a mound and trying to mix the words 'Wedding, Bride, Rich, Poor, Wed and S.O.S' into another pseudo reality spectacle. Don't get me wrong, these are usually fairly entertaining, but lose the fancy graphics and 'is he gay' co-host and they're pretty much all the same.
I Can No Longer Visit The Local Brothel
This one falls into the 'I kind of thought, but hoped it wasn't true category'. See apparantly indiscriminant sex with female sex trade workers during an engagement is frowned up in most circles (namely the Bradford-Ancic circle). There may or may not be a small consideration made for bachelor parties, but in the meantime its a no go for 'Red Deer Hose' (they aren't terrific spellers out here, but damn if they don't have gumption).

It Gets Better As It The Big Day Approaches
Sure does. Stress, long distance planning and financial considerations aside, I look forward to the big event more and more each day.

So...welcome back. This is what I do when I have zero ideas. Imagine the fun when I plan in advance! Hopefully I can keep this going for a stretch. Your support is always welcome.

*My love may have physical limit. see dealer for details. offer expires Jan 23


Creative Freakin' Genius said...

Glad yer back!

Darren said...

Welcome back Funcle!