Thursday, July 19, 2007

Tough As Nails Showdown

Look - I'm not saying Jack Baeur may have lost his title as king bad ass, all I'm saying is that after watching the latest Die Hard last night, I'm pretty sure John McCain could give him a run for his money.

But, instead of just speculating, I thought it would be best to perform a purely scientific comparison between the two.

Catch Phrases
Jack: Damnit.
John: Yippee Kayeh Mutherfucker (sp?)
Winner: Jack. From a pure quantity over quality angle, Jack's been known to make ample use of his trademark 'damnit' 10 times per scene (i.e "Damnit Chloe, I need those Satellites", "Damnit Bill, I need access." or "Damnit, my man-purse is missing." Then there's John who only occasionally mutters his just before delivering the final cumuppins to his nemisis. One could argue that this refined use make's John's a little more poignant, but since the catchphrase in its entirety was not heard in the last movie, I must unfortunately announce the first disqualification. Hence: Jack wins. Damnit!

Jack: While 'depressingly stoic' technically counts a personality, it's likely that Jack is often 'mistakenly' left out of a majority of CTU social functions.
John: Sure, he's an asshole, but he's an asshole with a heart and shucks, that's what counts.
Winner: John. Sure fighting terrorists is a little hard on the soul, but where Jack scampers around like a stressed-out hamster, John has a little more fun with his danger.

Jack: Man-purse
John: Whatever he was wearing before shit went down.
Winner: John. True, I'm a man-purse fan myself, but if we're really gunning for badass here, it's best to leave the nail clippers at home.

Ability to down helicopters
Jack: Proficient with helicopter shooting abilities, yes.
John: Uses cars as projectiles because, quote 'I was out of bullets'
Winner: John. Shooting down helicopters is sooo 2002. Using a police car as a cannon? That's the future, my friends.

Ability with Computers
Jack: Excellent. Nary a terrorist, renegade political leader or hard drive can escape Jack's PDA skills.
John: "I'm not too good with this computer shit". Nuff said.
Winner: Jack. An unfair category? Maybe. But considering the technological requirements of today's heros, John should be taking it onto himself to at least enroll in a couple college courses. He's a timex in a digital age. Hah! I made that one up. Actually, no I didn't. It's in the movie.

The 'Walk it Off Factor'
Jack: Once thought impervious to pain, Jack Baeur has indeed shown signs of 'hurting' and or 'sadness' on occasion. Of course, these are few and far between and usually always following 24 hours of beatings, deaths, car crashes, drug addictions, starvation, exhaustion and sexual frustration.
John: More likely to laugh than show pain after getting shot, John has a scary ability to survive the most dangerous of situation and be found bouncing along like he just woke up from a nap in the next scene.
Winner: Jack. Although both have displayed an amazing ability to recover from the most dangerous stunts, Jack has had a few rougher days than John and is still not injured in the slightest or bat shit insane. Then there's the whole 'saving the United States immediately following his 3 year imprisonment in a Chinese torture camp' that gives him the edge needed to take the category.

Luck with the Ladies
Jack: Sketchy at best. Jack has had a few romantic interests, but few have a) survived or b) not fallen into a coma. In all, Jack is most likely to be using his PDA for less noble activities after-hours.
John: Also sketchy. Spends a little too much time saving his ex's ass than getting some of his own. Except in the last movie; nary a boob to be seen.
Winner: Tie. Sure, Jack's snuck a kiss or two in CTU hallways, but neither's track record is anything spectacular. I guess that's the whole 'tortured hero' thing for you.

Conclusion: An unintentional tie. Seriously - I was hoping to convince myself that Jack was still the man, but doing the tally I see that he has truly met his match.

Oh, wait! 1 more category:

Jack: Neatly coiffed.
John: None.
Winner. Jack.

Thatta boy Jack!!


Scribe of Dreams said...

Seriously? pure cheatocricy(i mad THAT up)

a few more days of fighting terror? whats 5 season, each across one day? vs 4 movies...thats ONE more day.

you disqualified yippiekayeh?
movie one: drops allan rickman froma building
movie 2: blows up a plane witha fule stream
movie 3: takes out a helicopter with a machine gun by shooting a hotel neon sign
movie 4: shoots himself in the shoulder to take out the bad guy. of course it was cut short.

all dammit is, is kind of macho way to complain...about EVERYTHING

Scribe of Dreams said...

sorry in the first one he drops a huge amount of explosive down the elevator almost taking out the building they are in.