TV To Waste Summer By

Since all I seem to do lately is bitch and moan about celebrities and Hip-Hop, I thought I'd return to my roots and talk a little 'tube (That's TV for hip kids).

Now that most shows have finished up for a season, there's a tendancy to get outside and enjoy the fresh open air...sure....if you're a nerd.

True lazy bastards know that Summer is the penultimate time to catch up on the TV you missed or never bothered watch.

And if I may suggest...

THE WIRE

HBO's answer to derivitate crime dramas. Each season focuses one case and follows it through from the little threads to full out raids. As a plus, half of the Wire focuses on the 'other half' aka the gang bangers and urban drug czars who are in the ole cat and mouse game with a rag tag team of drug enforcers.

It takes a while to clue in to the all the lingo and police politics, but those who follow through the entire 12 episode arc, will feel satisfied with the journey. One of those 'oh shit, the episodes over? Well I guess I have time to watch the next one' shows. (tm).

VERONICA MARS

Sadly, Veronica Mars has officially been cancelled - thankfully not before finishing out their third season. I'll have to let you know if its a good wrap-up as I've yet to see/download it, but from what I can tell you, this is simply one of the most fun shows to watch. Mayhaps I've written about this before, but I repeat - if you like smart, funny and dark, this is the show to beat. Of course, like every show that doesn't cater to poop and sex jokes, this didn't get the following it needed or deserved. Rather, it developed a nice base of rabid fans who are now sending Mars Bars to TV execs in a Jericho-ish effort to revive the season. And for good cause. Each season follows a Buffy-like Veronica Mars and her P.I Father through one giant mystery cut up with a host of equally enjoyed and original storylines. Written with a pop-culture flare and definitely for those who dig serials, Veronica Mars is smart TV fun.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Hands down one of the funniest comedies to be axed from the FOX Network in favor of shitty shitty realty programming. Loaded with self-references, inside jokes, sarcasm and downright odd brilliance, Arrested Development follws the downfall of the affluent Bluth family and the subsequent bedlam that ensues...or something. Either way, you have to really watch each episode about 10 times to get every single joke, sight gag and deeply embedded reference. Think the absurd coincidental storytelling of Seinfeld with some of the strangest but funniest writing you've seen. Oh, did I mention I'm a fan? Favorite character: GOB. You'll see.

NIP TUCK

Granted, I'm just barely 7 episodes into the first season, but there's something special about this drama about two 'friends' who run a plastic surgery ... uh, store? What's great about Nip Tuck is that just when it seems to be cliche, it surprises you with great character twists and shocking directions. You'll have to get used to watching some fairly brutal surgery, but you'll also be treated to supermodel-breasts...which are in turn ruined by the fact that you saw them being put in...therefore the point of the show I suspect. Either way, I hasten to call Nip Tuck 'fun', but it's definitely one of those shows that stays with you long after you even want it to.

The War At Home

Not since Married With Children has the middle class life been so expertly-

Ah, just kidding, this show sucks magnificent balls. Please do not watch.

Free Paris! Free Paris

Somehow I'm opposed to everything Nancy Grace has to say. It's like her shrill holier-than-thou voice broadcasts some weird signal which scrambles my logic centres and just generally puts me in polar opposition from anything she rallies against.
She could have a show devoted to saving the whales and that night I'd be chowing down on flipper.
Yeah, it's that bad.
So when she began her crusade against Paris Hilton, I couldn't help but take the opposite view.
That is - is this really justice?
I mean...let's set aside our natural prejudice for famous people who have no right to be famous and let's look at this from a human point of view. In the beginning, I wanted her to hang. I wanted her to not only serve the full 43 days, but I wanted full updates on how much she is suffering...and I don't think I'm alone.
But is this natural? Is the desire to see people suffer justified....ever? Granted, driving drunk is about the stupidest thing anyone can do and she deserves her kummupins of some sort, but punishing her doubly for the ineptitude of one sheriff seems a little out of place.
I mean, she was let out of jail, what was she supposed to do? What would anyone do?
"Sorry, I believe I am being wrongfully released, please keep me here?"
No. That's ludicrous. She got a break - yeah, but how the hell is it her fault that she was released early? This was a foul up on the prison end, not hers, but we're a bloodthirsty bunch and we just have to beat her back into submission at the slightest sign that our mob justice wasn't satisfied.
Look - I'm no Paris fan. In fact, I was waiting for something like this to knock her down a peg. That said, it's already been noted that 2 to 3 days is a normal sentance for her offense and I'm afraid this swift punishment to her early release is more of a political move than a fair one.
We love when celebrities screw up, and we always cry bloody murder when they get away with it. All I'm saying is that we should be careful not to shift our vision of justice the entire opposite way just because we love seeing talentless pointless celebrities burn. We're better than that...right?
I say let her serve 20 days, let her have her breakdown and when she gets released, instead of following her every move waiting for her to screw up again, let's just ignore her. Maybe that's true celebrity justice.
As for Nancy Grace, well, I'll just have to learn to not care.

Rihanna - Umbrella

Post 80 (Feat. Rant)

(Note: The Above Video should have been in this post, but I've given up on trying to figure out how to do so. Anyone?)

Admittidly, I'm not the biggest hip-hop/R&B/gansta life music fan. In fact, after watching a direct music video feed at a club in Vancouver last week I was ready to rant about downright lazy the whole damn genre had become. I mean, take away the music (which is what happens in a noisy club) and all you see for 30 odd minutes is a parade of 'rough street smart' guys mugging for a camera in the middle of a street while underdressed 18 year old street walkers cleaned his car(s). Oh, and don't forget the rainfalls of money (which, for all of Alberta's shitty weather patterns I have yet to see).

Anyways - long story short, the genre wasn't impressing me. And it wasn't just the videos, it was the songs...the same damn sentiment time and time again "It was rough, I'm rough, now I'm screwing supermodels and selling million dollar albums. Also - I can't eat much because I have coated my teeth in metal".

BUT THE REAL point of this post is because I actually started to like a few artists here and there...mainly female artists who brought at least something resembling structure, harmony and thought to the music.S o imagine my suprise when I download this Rihanna song only to be treated to this right off the top (edit: see Above)

I'm sorry...did I download a podcast? Was the song that hard to understand thematically that Jay-Z had to come out and explain it to me?

Then I realized this is one of the reasons why I've avoided hip-hop: because of self-promoting nonsense like this. How many times have I had a reasonably fun/good Hip Hop song interrupted by the producer or some remotely famous artist doing his own interpretation right in the middle of the damn song?

It's like they record these guys singing in the shower to the song and then mix together both tracks for one crazy cool final product. No! You don't see Ozzy Osborne suddenly appearing in a Rob Zombie video yelling 'Sharon! Sharon!' - why? Because Rob Zombie can stand by himself - just like Rihanna can do her own shit without having to be molded once more into 'Rap Female Bot 3000' while her master parades around her.

And its not just Rihanna...in my limited Hip Hop history knowledge, I can recall a good number of songs which were great by themselves but just had to feature 'So and So' to validate being in the industry. Stop it. Let the woman sing, damnit! Save the macho parading for your own stuff and let the genre evolve! It's like watching some drunk uncle show up to his niece's battle of the bands and take over the stage.

So that's that. I propose a band on the word 'Feat.' in a music title. If you are too lazy to do your own stuff, don't shoehorn yourself into another artist's stuff just because you happen to a) think everyone was just dying to find out where you'd pop up next b) were in the studio that day or c) you think that doing any work on the album automatically buys you a free ticket to talk over the main tracks.

Thanks - Matt (Feat. Dirty Bizzle B)

2 Years With the Croatian Sensation

Well today's the big landmark - 2 years dating MJ. 1 Year and a bit in Peace River and nearly a year living together.
For those counting that's 2 freakin' years. 2! But great years they've been and (although cliche) things keep getting better.
So since I'm sure she doesn't read this anyways (ok, she says she does, but like everyone else, never comments) I thought I'd detail how we met in a totally biased retelling.

Flashback 2 years ago.
The scene: Moon Saloon, Peace River.
Imagine that one bar in the shitty part of town where you'd only go to if everything else had a line up and/or they had cheap beer. Now imagine the patrons peeing on cop cars outside and you've got a good idea of Peace River's number 1 (and only) club.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's reverse to 6 hours earlier.
It was friday - and as with every friday, us cheap writers had made a tradition of heading to the only buffet in town. It was a Chinese Buffet, but looking back, it was pretty much 5 different ways of cooking chicken and the option of rice or salad. In any case, I had invited MJ (the cute new news lady) out to our tradition and, lo and behold, she actually joined us.

Buoyed by this mini-success I promptly made like a man and told another girl that I 'liked her' and if she could suss out the situation that night at the going away party for one of our writers. You know, what girls do best.

Yep - I was that smooth.
Fast forward a few hours and we were finishing up a meal while I was making painful conversation about MJ's cell phone and how the little cartoon at the beginning was kind of cute. It was my 'A' game to be sure, but she bit and when it came time to move locations she made it quite obvious that she was at least willing to give me a chance:

Me: I don't know if I'm going out tonight.
Her: No, you're going out tonight. And you're driving me.

Jackpot! In an effort to help a good cause, my good buddies Trent and Heather lent me their car for the occasion and I was able to give MJ the first of many rides. Ba-doom-ching!

Once we arrived at the moon saloon, the girl I had confessed to about MJ wasted no time in dragging her to the washroom for a girls talking following which I bought a few drinks and coerced her into dancing for a couple slow country songs. She accepted and the night ran its natural course (which for the moon saloon ment 80+ guys went home sexually frustrated while the 2 or 3 actual females passed out behind the air conditioner out back).

At about 2am, it was decided that I would be driving a boat load of drunk people home - MJ included (though not drunk as others as she had to work in 3 hours). Thanks to some creative mapping, she was the last person I'd drop off and while we wouldn't end the night with a kiss (that was the next day) we did simultaneously ask each other out. I'd like to think I made the initial 'would you...' but she'll tell you different.

Flash forward 2 years and here we are. And to you, MJ, if you actually read this - thanks for everything and for everything still to come.

Shrekked Off

And open letter to Shrek's Marketing Team: Stop. Seriously...put the CGI down.
Though I haven't sat down with the numbers, I'm fairly sure that the number of animated Shrek commercials equals - nay exceeds - the actual amount of animation for the movie. I can't turn a channel now without seeing Donkey and Shrek whore themselves out for something else.
And an overweight shit-eating ogre as the mascot for healthy eating at McDonalds? Huh?
Look - marketing is fine - business is business, but Shrek was a franchise that catered to a more jaded / sarcastic audience who had their fill of machine made movies and enjoyed the slanted take on the genre.
Now, its become THAT VERY GENRE. Shrek 3 looks to me like nothing more than a toy/M&M/videogame/happy meal selling vehicle.
I have fond memories of the first Shrek. I took my mom to it for Mother's Day. We laughed. It was new. Fresh.
Now...this:

Shrek's dignity brought to you by the New 2008 Ford Escape

Link Lot Special Edition

Many people ask me: "Matt, how do you do it? How do you blog twice, nay, nearly 3 times a week?"
A daunting task, I know. And like a magician, I can't give away my secrets, but I can tell you that much of the process relies on extreme web savvy and a knack for finding inspiration in the smallest of internet pearls.
That and I'm this damned computer far too much.

Now, In a very special Link post, I thought I'd paste the 7 ten sites that are currently doing the best job at keeping me busy and/or distracted. I did this before, so I apologize for the overlap (if there's any). Either way, If you've read this blog before and remotely like what I have to say, I'm sure you'll enjoy these suggestions:

In no order:
Kotaku: Recently one of Jack Thompson's latest targets, this gaming blog is a fairly comprehensive round up of all things videogame - without the inflated reviews and finely tuned marketing.
The Consumerist: Remember those 60 minute exposes where they bring in a truck for repairs and secretly videotape the mechanics screwing over the customer? This site is kind of like that...except smarter and more about how not to be screwed over.
Gametap: In the 'Where Were You My Whole Life' comes this gem of a site. For a small price, you can play about 800 games; some new, some old, some classic. It's like a full library of games at your fingertips without the pesky illegal downloading business.
This American Life: A nice light podcast about, well, life. Sounds frou frou, I know, but its appeal to the zeitgeist of the everyday man is instant. Awesome - I finally used the word zeitgeist. And probably wrong. Anyways, I believe that they're charging for current podcasts, but older ones can be streamed for free. And given that there's nearly 3 years of archives, I'm sure you'll find a few to keep you busy.
Press the Action Button: I rarely read videogame reviews anymore (except my own on canoe.ca ...PLUG PLUG), but I've always loved reading bad ones. Here, they attack a few gaming legends and usually with good cause. Are they just trying to be hip and counter-culture? Maybe. Do they ramble a bit? Maybe. Are they the most interesting reviews to read lately? Definitely.
Funny or Die: Like digg for comedy sketches. Current favorites include anything by 'Human Giant' and Will Ferrill's (no, I'm not going to bother spellchecking that) 'Landlord'.
Kitty Cannon: Still the game of choice for NewCap radio's crack creative team. Also how we determine who gets water.

And so...that's that. Have fun and let them know who sent you.

TV Shopping

I know, I know - in a world of global warming, prolonge wars, rampant racism and worldwide famine, the least of my worries should be television shopping.
But here we are.
I remember about 6 years ago getting the 'new TV' itch, counting up my hard earned Roger's Video money and purchasing a 27" behemoth. At that time, my only options were base color, size and whether or not I wanted to include some crappy factory reject VCR.
Easy. Simple. Cheap.
Now - not so much.
A funny thing happens when you have to spend a lot of money in a short amount of time...you get used it. So - after moving expenses, plane tickets and new clothes I've now got a new tv on the brain and about a zillion or so options to wade through.
Plasma, LCD, Projection, DLP, LLD, Super VCD, LOL, Mononeucleotic HD Scan Progressive Plexi-form Neuromax 3000, etc.
Try asking a best buy employee which one is best and, low and behold, it's the $1800 model they just got in last week. Lo and behold - I don't have 1800 to spend and no one has yet to convince me that I SHOULD spend nearly 2 grand on a product most admit WILL FAIL in 5 years.
Seriously, its like the designed each new tv with one feature that will blow out, fade or rip in 5 years time. Damn you consumers! Damn you for buying into this and making my enjoyment of big screen videogaming that much more expensive and complicated.
Add on the fact that I'll have to subscribe to an HD service,purchase HD cables and replace my internal organs with HD-ready parts, what was once a simple quest for a bigger picture has become and entire living room renovation.
Sigh.
Though I guess if this was the only thing I could think to bitch about, things could be a lot worse.
In the meantime - opinions? Suggestions? Donations?

Meatwad's Opus

Presenting the world premier of Meatwad's first publishing.

aka: We put her on my laptop keyboard and below is what turned out:

Uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnew

uunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewuunnnnnnnewwwwwccccccccccccccccccccccc

cccccccccccccarrrr-p[yve

From what I can gather, she hit the 'paste' button which, unless I don't know my shortcuts, required a stretch of one leg on Control and a paw on V.

Also - if you look closley, it looks like she's typed 'A Neeeeewww Carrrr!" which would suggest that she's been chanelling bob barker or she's vaguely referencing the need to be spayed or neutered.

Or I could be reading too much into this.

HOLY CRAP - An Entry!

Is what I assume you're saying. If, of course, you're still reading this.
Normally, I'd shy away from journal-esque blogging, but I feel I should at least try to explain my absense.

It pretty much comes down to cold cuts and landlords.

A few weeks back, MJ and I decided on homemade subs for dinner. We bought a pack of cold cuts and had ourselves a regular old sub party (not one of those trendy modern ones). Looking back, I think it was the turkey that had me spewing liquids from every opening in my body for three straight days. I can't be certain, and it could have even been some freak strain of ebola, but the turkey was the only thing I ate and she didn't so my brilliant powers of deduction came to this conclusion.

I don't remember much of those few days. I remember the hospital and watching home reno shows on TLC. I also remember MJ taking care of me. And, oh yeah, the vomitting.

I've since recovered following a couple weeks of quesy stomachs and weird rashes. Too much information?

As for the 'landlord' thing - our ex-apartment owners decided to hop on board the condo train and sell our places. We had a little while to find something, but we didn't want to compete for that elusize 0.0007% vacancy rate in Red Deer so we promptly pounded down the doors of anyone still renting.

Luckily, we found something and we're living there now. And hence...the food poisoning and move drained any sanity and desire to blog from my poor drug ravaged body.

Cool? I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?