Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Why I'd Never Survive Starfleet Command

WARNING: Nerd Levels = High

It's a statistical fact that a repeat Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG for the hipsters) plays roughly 300 times a day in 65 languages.

Without even trying, I've watched the entire series again. Or almost. In any case, I've sat down to enough repeats to realize that never ever would I make a good officer aboard the Enterprise.

And here's why.

You're kidding me right? The ability to live out my most fantastic/erotic dreams at my beck and call and I'm suppose to maintain the coupling relays on the warp core? I can't count the amount of times I'd fake sick just to some extra time in the 'Playboy Mansion Program 36Y69'. Oh, and don't forget about bathroom breaks. I barely have the will power to avoid casinos, let alone 3D physical manifestations of my most inner desires. I'd be begging to borrow holodeck time from everyone - so much so that I'd become 'that guy' who's just nice to the lieutenants because he wants more holo-minutes. Nevermind that I wouldn't do any work - that's obvious - I'm talking about full blown addiction that'd eat up sickbay resources and eventually lead to the Enterprise returning home just to drop my sorry ass off.


Hot, yes, but useless. This is a woman who can read the thoughts of an alien diplomat through a viewscreen over a million miles away but can rarely figure out who's possessed or who's planning a bloody coup. Odds are Riker would catch me rolling my eyes one time too many and send me packing. I can't stand useless aliens and my contempt would, in time, get the best of me.


I have a tendancy to be a smart ass and from what I've gathered, Klingons rarely understand sarcasm. They also want to fight about everything. I'm not saying ALL Klingons are bad, I've just witnessed my fair share of emotionally stunted 'ridge heads' to know that I wouldn't work well in a Klingon friendly environment. This prejudice also extends to Ferengi, Green Women, Psychopathic Androids and amorphous red balls of energy.


Unless there's a course in Starfleet Bullshittery, I'd be as useless as Deanna Troi (see above). Seriously - everyone would be in the battleroom throwing out suggestions and I'd be the guy slowly eating his bagel hoping not to be asked.

Picard: Geordi? Any suggestions?
Geordi: We could try dumping the trans-fuel conduit. That would create a momentary solarus field - conceivably allowing our sensors extra range.
Picard: Interesting...Data?
Data: From what I've gathered, sir, the static-flux capacitator would provide coupling charge to enact such a maneuver.
Picard: Matthew?
Me: Uh....hey, anyone not using their holo deck minutes?

5- Strange Yet Boring Worlds dee dah...anyone eden-esque world where everyone talks with British accents. It would get to a point where I wouldn't even volunteer for away missions.

6- The Transporter
Nevermind the philosphical arguments about whether we have souls - I'm thinking about all the screw-ups that have been transporter related. Folks - this MUST be a perfected technology with even the slightest incident resulting in immediate non-use. Plus, I'd have to make sure never to piss of the engineer...which I'd likely do if he's Klingon.

7 - The Prime Directive's a great idea. Spend bazillions building starships so we can just hover above worlds twiddling our thumbs. What's the point? We're human beings - sticking our noses in our people's business is our greatest talent. I just wouldn't see the point. Also - I'd make a point of raising a stink whenever a commanding officer blatantly breaks the prime directive...which pretty much includes everytime it comes into question.

Alas - the future may be bright, but my role in it is very uncertain. Now as for being a Slider, Stargater, Intergalactic Bounty Hunter...there may be some promise.


Creative Freakin' Genius said...

I forsee myself as a holodeck junkie as well. Who the hell would want reality ( even if that reality is zooming around thru space with a lotta hotties in uniform ) if they could hang out with a lotta hotties who have been programmed into believing you're a Goddess?

Attention Whore said...

You - a smart ass?
Never...I am shocked you would ever say that about yourself. I sense nary a sarcastic undertone in any conversation we have ever had...never....

you are such a nerd.
Just sayin'

Scribe of Dreams said...

many valid points. and you didnt even mention anything about being able to blow shit up with little to no effort.

hmm, klingons that are angry at me for being witty...i'll just zap them into notthing, problem solved.

Meagan said...

If I had access to the holodeck, you'd never see me again. Lol.
And yeah, I see your point about how difficult it would be...

I'm sure you and the Klingons would come to some sort of "agreement;" however, I forsee the only teleology as your swift demise...sorry dude. Hehe.

Steven Josephine Howard said...

Can I just say that this is the Star Trek Exhibit in Vegas all over again.

For those not in the know, on a 5 day trip to Vegas I was dragged to a Star Trek exhibit where Matt promptly posed with a statue of an alien for me to take a photo, sat at Quark's bar while paying $15 American for what amounted to a cooler, and then playing Star Trek slot machines to top it all off.

Despite your professed inability to be a member of Star Trek: "TNG"'s crew, I think that is where you belong.

Best friends forever.