Monday, March 19, 2007

Abridged Television, Episode 1

(update: bonus blog mention to anyone who can tell me why Blogger changes formatting just for the hell of it)

Keeping up with the latest in TV-land can be a chore. I mean, what between working, eating, bathing and trying to not be a lazy bastard, it can be tough to find the sit-down time required to keep up with everything the boob-tube has to offer.
Relax - I'm here to help.
For the TV viewer on the Go, I present: Your Favorite Shows in 12 Lines part one.

GRAPHIC: A digital clock ticks
Terrorist: Finally, the American dogs will pay!
Jack: Drop the gun!
Jack's Superior: Jack, this is highly against protocol.
Jack: There's no other option!
Another option presents itself. 24 in fact.
Jack: Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!
Special Guest from earlier Season: Jack - I'll help you.
Jack: Sure, wait - aren't you working for the Ackhmed Ab'SalemGaresh?
Special Guest/Mole: Die American Pig!
Jack: Drop the gun!
SFX: A digital Clock ticks

A plane crashes, the remaining survivors scramble to make sense of their new surroundings. In the distance, a monster.
Jack: Crap! A Monster.
Hurley: And numbers! Mysterious numbers.
Locke: And the hatch!
Charlie: Oh! And that French Lady
Sun: Don't forget about the others
Desmond: Plus I think I can read the future
Mr.Ecko: I was an interesting character, right? Right?? WTF?
Jack: Ok - everyone just relax. We'll get to the bottom of this...

The most popular characters are kidnapped.
Remaining Cast: Does anyone know what this shit is about?
Clark: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny
Lex: Wah Wah - I hate my destiny...yet not enough to avoid continually being involved in every single Smallville Conspiracy
Lex's Dad: That's my boy!
Lana: Wah Wah - I hate pretty much everyone and everything. Also - I miss my parents.
Chloe: Anyone need anything looked up?
Lois: Hmmm how best can I get into a skimpy outfit today?
Meteor Freak of the Week: Wah Wah I want REVENGE
Clark's Dad: Baaaaarrrrghh. (He dies).
Suddenly realizing that all he's done for 6 seasons is bitch and moan, Clark forms the early Justice League.
The cast continues to bitch and moan.
And for old time sake...

Mulder: I believe in Aliens
Scully: I do not.
Mulder: Have you seen my sister?
Mudler is abducted. Scully gets pregnant. Repeat for 5 seasons.
Mulder: Now I really believe in Aliens.
Scully: You know, I kind of do too. Plus, you know that platonic relationship we swore we'd never violate?
Mulder: Yeah...?
They violate.
Smoking Man: *coughs* I hate you both.
Mulder: Trust No 1
Mulder and Scully get replaced by the Termintor and some Goth Chick. just a few. Btw, I take requests...


Steven Flubburgated Howard said...

Wow, you ruined the most recent episode of 24 for me...darn you! (I taped it.)

My request would be for you to summarize Grey's Anatomy in 12 lines...yeah, try to take that one on! There are so many story arcs going on in that show I can't follow it even when I am following it! What - Meredith was clinically dead? What, the switched the timeslot and it didn't record so I missed the next episode? Wait, I missed one episode and they only mention the near-death experience in passing, as she is back at work? This crap moves fast!

Flubbergated Howard the First said...

Wait - that's the next word you have to use - and it isn't even a word so you'll even get the credit if it catches on.

It's an cross between exasperated and's a perfect bisection between frustration and dumbstruck awe...


Book it! I want to see that word in the next review - a la "Don't get flubbergated"...but more creative.

Kait said...

Dude, can you summerize the Gilmore Girls? I'm tired of watching and just want to know how it ends! :)