Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The 31st Post Spectacular: Past, Present and Beyond

Long long ago in a radio station far far away I had a blog. Some people read it. Most didn't (read: people not my mom or co-workers).

Long story short, I abandoned said blog to the dark catacombs of never to visit it again. Until Now.

Last December I bought MJ a hamster for Christmas (who now lives with both of us). Her name is Meatwad - and you get bonus points if you know where that's from.
Another long story short, I wrote an entry about purchasing a hamster and it wasn't actually too crappy. So - in the spirit of celebrating my 31 Postaversary, here it is:

*Oh, and I now have a counter for this blog. which was the main point of this post - But I wanted to actually add some content.

originally posted January'06
Buying a Hamster. Not the quick shop and go experience as I expected when I first suggested getting my ladyfriend a Hamster. As a guy, the idea of a hamster for Christmas was ideal because a) I wanted a Hamster anyways, so this way I get the joys of playing with a Hamster without the nasty business of cleaning or feeding (relax, this isn’t how I feel about kids) and b) they're cute…and cute gifts win big! But alas … buying a Hamster? Not so easy.

AVAILABILITY: This may be a Peace River problem only since Malls typically close around 6 pm which is, of course, perfect for 85% of the population who work until 5 pm and then eat. By perfect of course I mean horribly inconvenient. Hence, lesson One: Plan Ahead.

COST: There’s a popular theory about fish that it costs more to let them die than to feed them. After stocking up on wood chips, treats and food I’m tempted to extend this theory to Hamsters. Though… I won’t….because I would risk loosing those cute points by evening mentioning it. Let's put it this way..a hamster costs 9.99….food costs about 20 bucks a month and that’s if you're mean and don’t buy any treats. So … yeah … you make your own decision … just don’t let me know about it.

CHOOSING A CAGE: The Hamster Industry is catching on to the Hamster trend…which means that you can expect to shell out at least 50 bucks for a decent cage. And these aren’t the cages of 10 years ago, my friend, these are the decorative, colored plastic tube utopians of the future. I wish my room looked like these things. Anyways, so these are built on the premise that your hamster will be mini acrobats…which they will be until they get fat at around month 4. Then all those fancy tubes just equal pooping dens and clogged up memories of the agile hamster you once had. My advice…go middle of the road so at least when your hamster gets fat he/she wont be reminded of their prime on a daily basis (just like that chin-up bar I still have hanging around).

CHOOSING A HAMSTER: Luckily we had a whopping three to chose from. But they were three different kinds. Understand this…no matter what you pick, they’ll all eventually look like one big lump of fur lying in the corner of the cage. And you can’t pick based on smarts or how well it seems they recognize you…they don’t. Here’s a quick look into a Hamster’s mind “Food? Food? … Food? Poop … Food?”That said…Teddy Bear Hamsters are cutest. But you can’t really go wrong. If you subscribe to the ‘Hamster Cost Analysis Theory’ above, then you can chose a different one every week! But again, don’t let me know about it.

TAKING IT HOME: Fortunately most pet stores provide a steel enforced carriage device to take your hamster home in. And by this I mean a cardboard box which serves to stir your new pet into a state of frenzy. We made the smart decision of bringing it home first and then buying dinner. Even still, it bit Marijana and had a good go at my toe. Lets just say we initiated a little eye for eye justice. Try climbing now biatch! Otherwise it's best if you assemble the cage and get it in as soon as possible. Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t feel particularly playful after being ripped from its home, transported in darkness and thrust into a colorful tube utopian it will soon recognize as the last place it will ever live.

NAMING YOUR HAMSTER: A friend of ours made a good point…that you should name a pet after you see it. The rebels we were, we named it before. Hence: Meatwad. You may know the name from the popular Aqua Teen Hunger force show…which was the genisis of the Hamster idea in the first place. For all you other creatively challenged people, I’ll make it simple. Think of the first three ultra cute fat-related names and them immediately abandon them. Also, name it something you won’t regret years down the road. My last hamster was named Frodo. Frodo died in his sleep , but I’m told his dying words were ‘thanks for naming me Frodo, nerd.” Alas, we buried Frodo in the front yard where a lonely golf ball and food dish mark his remains.Just as a side note: I recently learned that Hamsters sometimes hibernate. In which case, I sincerely hope Frodo was actually dead.

That’s about it. Good luck and happy hunting. For all my sarcasm, hamsters are pretty much the perfect low maintenance pet for most students, children, and radio employees … aka the mentally and financial challenged.


dazula said...

That was hilarious. Some of the best stuff I've read in a blog. I laughed my ass off at "Even still, it bit Marijana and had a good go at my toe. Lets just say we initiated a little eye for eye justice. Try climbing now biatch!"

Being a hamster owner in a previous life I can relate. How is Meatwad?

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