The Joys of Christmas Consumerism

That's it. I'm done - outstanding Christmas shopping be damned. If I do manage to break through the gathering hordes this year, it will be the last time I do. Next year, everyone I know better be happy with things I find on ebay and/or homemade devices I can fashion together with items from my apartment.

They say (well, someone said) that 1 out of 4 men leave shopping until the very last minute. The same source (again - I forget) also says that 1 out of 6 men would also like to do away with Christmas Shopping all together. And really, can you friggin' blame them?

Sure our evolutionary history may dictate that males are the hunter gatherers (relax, it's science)- but I assure you this genetic pre-disposition wouldn't have lasted long if there were Wal-Marts back in prehistoric times. I can guarantee you that if they were, males would have developed the art of gift certificates long before modern man.

Frig. I hate christmas shopping. So, as a public service, I offer these gentle reminders:

A Shopping Carts Is NOT Personal Luggage: They are also not portable cribs, battering rams or place holders. This is one instance where the name does not beget it's ultimate purpose. Yes, they are carts for shopping - but its purposes should be limited to food and/or large items. Malls are crowded enough without having to play frogger everytime one wishes to cross an aisle, head to the washroom or line up for chinese food.

There are other people in the immediate area: And yes, they would like to also shop in this are too ... if that's alright with you. No? Going to be here awhile? Please, let me step over your seven children and your collection of bags. Fancy that, we bumped into one another! Oops! I'm very sorry to have invaded your personal space - which apparantly now encompasses the entire stationary section of Hallmark.

We're Not Happy to Be Here Either: This one goes to you, sour-faced 16 year employee who was called in to work extra shifts at Sears. Believe me when I say that no one on either end of the chaos enjoys the Christmas Shopping experience so when we ask you for a little help or more information, we're not doing it to add fodder for your angst-ridden rants to your goth friends - we're doing it so we can get the hell out dodge and enjoy a heavily laced litre of nog.

However, there are other people in the line: That is, if you do need that little extra help or information, please - for the benefit of the 30 people behind you - ensure that you've done at least a little leg work before asking. None of us are experts, but if you're asking about prices on the display to DIRECT LEFT OF YOUR PERSON, then understand that you deserve the sarcasm and/or eye rolling that will ensue. Similarly - do your homework. A list is ideal...so too is an inkling of a clue as to what you're after. Understand that everyone is in a hurry to escape and by hitting up the teller for information on 'what's good for kids' this christmas, you're guaranteed to win the ire and possible car-keying of those with actual physical purchases behind you.

Extended Warranties are the Devil's Tool: Dear electronic stores - we're on to you. We've watched 60 minutes and we have at least some understanding of the internet. Therefore, we're smarter and we're cheaper. So - if we say no to your 90 year all-inclusive extended warranty (which may or may not cover damage), then accept your defeat and move on. That crap may have worked last Christmas, but we're not as willing to dole out 300 more dollars on a guarantee that SHOULD HAVE BE OFFERED INITIALLY.

Ok. That's it - please feel free to join the revolution and add any further tips. Meanwhile, I'll be boarding up my windows and avoiding human contact until Valentine's Day.