Thursday, December 07, 2006

Superman IV: Deleted Scenes

Well, MJ and I completed our Superman tour with Superman IV: the Quest for Peace. And while not as bat-crap insane as Superman III: Superman vs. Computer Code, it did warrant one final commentary.

Namely - it's about time someone called Superman on his shit. Seriously, this guy has been left unchecked for waaay too long. I was hoping this would have been addressed in the fourth film, but alas, no. So instead, I'm submitting two new scenes for use in upcoming re-releases.

1)
INT. UN Forum - DAY
SUPERMAN addresses the delegates.
SUPERMAN: ...and in conclusion, I will single handedly rid the world of nuclear weapons.
They Clap. The CANADIAN delegate raises his hand.
SUPERMAN: You.
CANADIAN: Superman. I think I speak on behalf of all us, when I say that we, as a people, are truly greatful.
SUPERMAN: Hey, for you guys ... anything.
CANADIAN: Still...uh, this whole idea seems pretty...complicated. How do you intend to collect the world's nuclear weapons?
SUPERMAN: A giant space net.
The delegates react...confused.
CANADIAN: Sorry...you said a giant space net...?
SUPERMAN: Sure. I'm thinking either a fishing net or, you know, something I make out of my own hair. Of course, if anyone wishes to donate their own space net...?
The delegates stare blankly at Superman.
SUPERMAN: No? Ok. Just don't come running when your space net suddenly disappears-
CANADIAN: Superman, what will do you with the weapons once collected?
SUPERMAN: Hurl them into the sun.
The delegates gasp
SUPERMAN: ...what?
CANADIAN: Superman, you do realize that the sun is, essentially, a giant ball of gas.
SUPERMAN: and...
CANADIAN: You intend to hurl nearly a million tonnes of nuclear weapons into...the sun.
SUPERMAN: I'm still not following.
pause
CANADIAN: Can we vote on this?
They vote. Superman wins. Rigging is suspected.

2)
INT. DAILY PLANET - DAY
LOIS interviews SUPERMAN following his defeat of NUCLEARMAN
LOIS: Once more, Superman, you've saved us. How did you do it?
SUPERMAN: High School physics, Lois. Nuclear Man, born of the sun, would obviously be powerless in complete darkness.
LOIS: Oh...so you, like, lured him underground?
SUPERMAN: No, I pushed the moon infront of the sun.
LOIS: Holy fu-
SUPERMAN: What? I cut an entire mountain with eyes, rebuild the great wall of china with my mind and this is what I get shit for?
LOIS: Superman, you're aware that millions have died in freak tsunamis since you moved the moon.
SUPERMAN: That's impossible.
LOIS: Whole continents have been leveled due the dramatic shift in-
SUPERMAN: Screw this noise, I'm outta here.
Superman throws his Mic down and goes to a bar where he becomes...Dick Superman!

On another note, Marijana asked if they sold insurance for 'Acts of Superman' in Metropolis. Genius.

3 comments:

Creative Freakin' Genius said...

"Buy your Superman Insurance NOW or you'll be Super-screwed!"

Meagan said...

ROFL. Good one :)

I think I need some Act of Superman insurance.

Heather said...

Hey hey!!! Long time no talk, Mr. "i moved and didn't tell anyone"!
I wish I'd seen THAT version of Superman. ...not that I've seen the original...

Love to see what you'd do with XMen.