Thursday, December 07, 2006

Superman IV: Deleted Scenes

Well, MJ and I completed our Superman tour with Superman IV: the Quest for Peace. And while not as bat-crap insane as Superman III: Superman vs. Computer Code, it did warrant one final commentary.

Namely - it's about time someone called Superman on his shit. Seriously, this guy has been left unchecked for waaay too long. I was hoping this would have been addressed in the fourth film, but alas, no. So instead, I'm submitting two new scenes for use in upcoming re-releases.

INT. UN Forum - DAY
SUPERMAN addresses the delegates.
SUPERMAN: ...and in conclusion, I will single handedly rid the world of nuclear weapons.
They Clap. The CANADIAN delegate raises his hand.
CANADIAN: Superman. I think I speak on behalf of all us, when I say that we, as a people, are truly greatful.
SUPERMAN: Hey, for you guys ... anything.
CANADIAN: Still...uh, this whole idea seems pretty...complicated. How do you intend to collect the world's nuclear weapons?
SUPERMAN: A giant space net.
The delegates react...confused.
CANADIAN: said a giant space net...?
SUPERMAN: Sure. I'm thinking either a fishing net or, you know, something I make out of my own hair. Of course, if anyone wishes to donate their own space net...?
The delegates stare blankly at Superman.
SUPERMAN: No? Ok. Just don't come running when your space net suddenly disappears-
CANADIAN: Superman, what will do you with the weapons once collected?
SUPERMAN: Hurl them into the sun.
The delegates gasp
SUPERMAN: ...what?
CANADIAN: Superman, you do realize that the sun is, essentially, a giant ball of gas.
SUPERMAN: and...
CANADIAN: You intend to hurl nearly a million tonnes of nuclear weapons into...the sun.
SUPERMAN: I'm still not following.
CANADIAN: Can we vote on this?
They vote. Superman wins. Rigging is suspected.

LOIS interviews SUPERMAN following his defeat of NUCLEARMAN
LOIS: Once more, Superman, you've saved us. How did you do it?
SUPERMAN: High School physics, Lois. Nuclear Man, born of the sun, would obviously be powerless in complete darkness.
LOIS: you, like, lured him underground?
SUPERMAN: No, I pushed the moon infront of the sun.
LOIS: Holy fu-
SUPERMAN: What? I cut an entire mountain with eyes, rebuild the great wall of china with my mind and this is what I get shit for?
LOIS: Superman, you're aware that millions have died in freak tsunamis since you moved the moon.
SUPERMAN: That's impossible.
LOIS: Whole continents have been leveled due the dramatic shift in-
SUPERMAN: Screw this noise, I'm outta here.
Superman throws his Mic down and goes to a bar where he becomes...Dick Superman!

On another note, Marijana asked if they sold insurance for 'Acts of Superman' in Metropolis. Genius.


Creative Freakin' Genius said...

"Buy your Superman Insurance NOW or you'll be Super-screwed!"

Meagan said...

ROFL. Good one :)

I think I need some Act of Superman insurance.

Heather said...

Hey hey!!! Long time no talk, Mr. "i moved and didn't tell anyone"!
I wish I'd seen THAT version of Superman. ...not that I've seen the original...

Love to see what you'd do with XMen.