Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Bear Vs Puma

What exists outside our universe?

How did we come to be?
Who actually watches JAG?
These are the timeless mysteries of our time - questions which demand answers. But possibly the greatest amongst these is the one question that has dominated the greatest minds for generations:

Who would win in a fight: A Black Bear or a Puma?

The answer, of course, is Black Bear. It's simple. For, like, a gagillion reasons. Still, in the spirit of fair debate I present an unbiased comparison of these two glorious combatents (well, one definitely glorious combatent and one semi-capable predator).

Part panda, part Uma, the Puma has long been regarded as the 'Emotionally Challenged' little brother of the jungle. Chief among the Puma's strengths are its ability to cry like a sissy and perform ballet to a considerable degree of talent (note: no Puma has yet to perform in any notable shows).
Where the Puma lacks in upper and lower body strength, it makes up for in pearly white teeth which it uses to drink Strawberry Dacquiris and eat small chocolate treats all day long while the other more ambitious felines put in a full friggin day of work.
Natural enemies of the Puma include: inclement weather, spicy food, manual labor, upset stomachs, sniffles and stage fright.
Danger Rating: 2/10 slightly dented tin cans.

Part Legend, part super soldier, the Black Bear is often thought to be the product of a genetic Army project gone terribly terribly right! With a left hook carrying the destructive equivalent of three industrial Mac Trucks and reflexes like those of Superman on crank, the Black Bear is oft regarded as the apex of evolution. Recent research has shown that the only thing holding back the Black Bear from complete world domination it its need for hibernation (during which, the Black Bear has been shown to devastate entire species by mere thought alone)
Natural enemies of the Black Bear include: Asteroids, Alien diseases and the Apocolypse
Danger Rating: N/A
There you have it. Science. Feel free to make your vote.


Scribe of Dreams said...

um..yeah, most unbiased report ever made...when you have a kid i dare you to have him/her present it as a school research report and see what kind of grade the little tyke gets.

Creative Freakin' Genius said...

You seem to have a personal issue with the Puma. Something you should examine in more detail, no?

Basically, what you're saying is that the Black Bear is the "Chuck Norris" of the animal kingdom. Not bad, not bad at all.....

Anonymous said...

Would you rather be eaten by a black bear or have to eat 100 grubworms cooked over an open fire? courtesy of Tom Schreiter - father/con Algonquin Park canoe trip circa mid 1990's....Actually I think this is an academic discusson because, as Jack Handy would say, "if you are facing a black bear or a puma and you have no weapon, kiss you sweet ass good buy.....vic bickell

Attention Whore said...

Oh matty missed me. How sweet....
That'll be $52.99 + GST.