Sunday, November 12, 2006

An Open Letter to My Body

Hey Buddy,

Still mad? I was doing a lot of thinking in the shower this morning about how I treated you last night. Or, for that matter, this last year.

You gotta know I don't mean to do the things I do when I'm drunk. I know that's a horrible excuse, but hear me out. At the time, it seemed like a great idea to follow up 5 unknown shots, 3 pitchers of beer and second hand Caeser Salad with chicken wings from 7-11. I mean, they looked just so good ... and if you want to get technical, it was you who made me hungry.

But I don't want to start playing the blame game. Point is: I'm trying. It's been a good 25 years and I mean it when I say that I'm looking forward to another 50. Or at least 40. 30 would be a bit of a piss-off. I know it might not seem like that when I eat pizza for three days straight or lick the fork after marinating raw chicken (and lets not even get into my '5 minute rule'). And I know that I send mixed signals to you when end a night of Volleyball with a dozen .25 cent wings - but hey that's just me and those are my quarks (well, again, technically they're your quarks too).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm working on being better to you. And if that means less fondus and cheese ... well, damnit, I'm going to try. But I can't do it alone. I need a committment from you too.

For one, I don't know if you noticed, but all the males in my family have a thing with loosing their hair early. I URGE you to buck this particular trend. I also urge you to look deep within yourself (or, I guess, myself) and remember what it was like to have abs. Those were good times, huh? Lets say we get back to that?

Of course, I also expect you to keep everything else in good working order... especially ... know.

I guess that's it. I'm turning over a new leaf, my friend and I hope this means we can both mend our difference and work together for the same goals. We didn't pick each other, but we can still love each other.

That said, I apologize in advance for the gigantic roast beef dinner I'm planning for tonight. Also the ice-cream. And the complete day of laziness to follow.

Love ya man!

P.S: Remember this?


Attention Whore said...

Oh my god - I totally snorted Tim's out of my nose while reading this post.
You are hilarious.
I'm sorry I missed the party.

Creative Freakin' Genius said...

Hey Bradford...nice pic. Man, it's amazing what a guy can hide under a sweater....

BTW, I TOLD you what was in those shooters. OK, OK, I'll take the blame for those two green ones - they were on special ( guess I know why ) and I'll also take the fall for the one with all the whipped cream but the other two, you asked for by name so that's your own damn fault.

AW - you missed a good 'un. We'll have to think up an excuse to do it again....

vic bickell said...

What a cheap, hosebag excuse for advertising your ab-less body and trying to attract chicks on the internet. Really transparent. Does Marijana know about this? I think not. If this is going to become a pornographic blog then you may be minus one reader in the very near future. Although, this is closer to horror than porn so I guess you are okay for now, but watch it Mr. And next time I show it to your mother so wise up Dude!....vic bickell