The Juice Has Been Squeezed

I thought my title was original until I read every damn news article on the subject.

Long story short: OJ won't get to eat steak tonight thanks one or two Fox execs taking the moral highroad and cutting his "If I Did It" Sweeps-travaganza. For those who didn't hear 'what may have been' (i.e ludites), the aforementioned show would have been two hours of our favorite Naked Gun co-star telling us how he would have killed his ex-wife and friend...of course...IF he did it. There was also a book planned.

Yes, that was your mind blowing. Please re-insert and continue.

For some reason I remembered that SNL sketch where OJ played a football sportscaster who eventually details a play strategy by writing "I DID IT" on the telecaster. I pictured the same smug 'Eat Me, Justice System!' smile when he and his agent came up with these new bright ideas.

But oddly enough, I'm not entirely convinced that OJ and Sweeps-hungry Fox Moguls are all to blame. I mean, we all bought in at one time or another...didn't we? For me it was a hilarious picture book based on OJ's notes during court in grade 9. For others it was the latest paper to milk the story and for even more it was watching endless hours of court TV (ads included).

The OJ Mess became a market and we all bought in. Can you blame the guy for thinking he could squeeze us for a little more?If this were all handled a little more subtly, it could have worked.

Luckily, OJ isn't the ripest juice in the fridge (I was stuck for an analogy) and we've saved ourselves from crossing the line from idiot-worship to some far shadier uber creepy territory. But enough. It didn't happen and the world turns. It has, however, given me inspiration. Behold, my new line-up of autobiographies (open for optioning):

How it Would Have Happened: If I Did, In Fact, Pee in Phil's Coffee Mug

What Movie Was On: Had I Actually Been Watching Adult Films In Junior High

Where the Body Could Be: If I Killed That Working Girl

(One of these is fake....which? Oh, my friend, wouldn't you like to know)